How to Stop Fighting with Your Father

Having Discussions and Avoiding Debates

Choose a good time to talk. You and your dad might be fighting because you both choose bad times to have serious discussions. Avoid hitting him with heavy topics as soon as he gets in from work, as he may want some downtime. Opt instead for right after dinner when he is not busy or on the weekend. If he wants to talk to you about something when you are stressed, ask him politely if you can talk in a few minutes instead. Use those few minutes to do something that relaxes you, like taking a shower.

Communicate what you need. Parents appreciate when their kids show signs of maturity like confidence and directness. Let your dad know from the get-go what you need from him. Say “Dad, I want to talk to you about something. I just want you to listen for right now. I don’t want advice, I just want someone to talk to.” You can also say “There is a field trip coming up with school and it’s overnight. Can I talk to you about that? I would really like to go. Please hear me out before you respond.”

Defuse potentially difficult conversations. Sometimes, you may not need to make a request of your dad, but instead confess something you did wrong or something that’s been bothering you. In these cases, approach him with calmness and humility and with possible solutions. For instance, if you have recently gotten a speeding ticket, say “Dad, I did something bad today and I need to let you know. I was speeding on the way home and got a ticket. But I already talked to my supervisor and he said I can pick up extra shifts every weekend this month to pay for it.”

Ask him what you can improve on. Mention to your dad that it bothers you when the two of you fight. Admit the part that you play in the fighting but also ask him what he needs from you. He might be stressed at work only to come home and find the dishes piled high and you playing video games. See if he needs more help at home or more respect in general. You can say “Dad, we’ve been fighting a lot lately and it really upsets me. I was wondering if there’s anything that I can do to prevent this or anything that you need from me?” Let him know what you need from him, too. Say “Dad, I really want our relationship to improve. It’s hard for me to come to you sometimes because I know you’ll yell at me. Do you think that you could do that less?”

Remain calm. You might feel that your dad is very unfair or even cruel to you. Remember that though you cannot control your father, you can control yourself. Even if he yells at you, don’t yell back. Don’t walk away, interrupt him, or yell. If you have done something wrong, apologize. If not, simply sit calmly until the fight is over. Breathe deeply during this process, in through your nose and out through your mouth. It’s okay to show your emotions, but don’t let them consume you or cause you to do things you’ll regret.

Respect his decision. Once your father has decided something, honor that. If you do so, he will likely be more likely to trust you in the future. Do try to find ways to compromise, but know that it is his decision in the end. For example, you could say, "I really want to go to the party, but I will respect your decision." You could bargain and ask if he would be willing to let you stay out an hour later on Friday night if you wash his car and mow the lawn. If your father ever tells you to do something that is harmful or illegal, tell someone. Find an adult you trust like a teacher so that they can get you help.

Understand his perspective. In most cases, fathers are only doing what they think is best for their children. When your father makes a decision that you don’t agree with, consider his point of view. Even if you don’t think he is right, it will help you to be able to understand. For instance, your dad might have you on a 10PM curfew, while your friends are allowed to stay out later. Your dad might be concerned about drunk drivers, drugs, or he may not trust your friends. You could say, "Could you explain your thinking about this so I can better understand and accept your decision?” It may help you find resolution with the issue. Then you might get on a bit better.

Taking Care of Your Responsibilities

Do your chores. Work to avoid any potential arguments with your father by completing all your tasks on time. Keep a list of all the cleaning that you need to do and always keep your room tidy. Have these tasks completed before your father gets home each day. Be sure to do them to the best of your ability so that he doesn’t have anything to argue with you about.

Help your dad without him asking. If you see your dad outside struggling to rake the leaves or bring in the groceries, help him. It can be hard on a father if he has too many responsibilities to juggle, so work to ease his burden. Small acts of service can help to improve your relationship.

Do your homework. If you are a teen or preteen, complete your homework as soon as you get home from school. Your dad likely has a lot of other things to worry about, so try to ease his burdens as much as possible. If you need help, ask him some time after dinner once he has had a chance to relax.

Help with your siblings. If you are the older sibling, help out with your brothers and sisters. Offer to babysit so that your parents can go out on a date night. If you see that they need something, get it for them so that your dad can have a break sometimes.

Call him more often. If you are living on your own, your dad might miss you. He might feel also that he is the only one who ever reaches out and that your communication is one-sided. Make an effort to call your dad and visit him more so that he knows he’s important to you. You might even establish a group text with him and your other siblings so you can chat throughout the week.

Honor your word. If you tell your father that you are going to do something, do your best to keep that promise. If you both feel that you can trust each other’s word, you may have a more positive dynamic moving forward. Try not to promise more than you can comfortably deliver.

Be honest. If your father should ask you a question, tell him the truth, no matter how much trouble you might be in. Your father may not like what you did, but he will respect your honesty. This will also help him trust you more.

Having Fun With Your Dad

Express your appreciation for him. In addition to conflict resolution with your dad, work to also tell him how grateful you are for him. If your dad feels appreciated, he is less likely to start fights with you. Say something like “Dad, thanks for always being there for me. And thanks so much for going to all of my games this season. It means a lot.” You can tell him in person or write him a note.

Have family dinners together. Know that your parents aren’t the only ones who can set family time; you can, as well. Suggest that you all have dinner together as a family at least twice per week. Don’t use your cell phone at all during this time. Talk about each other’s day, instead. You might even consider playing a game like Spades or trivia during dinner.

Take an evening walk. Ask your dad to go on a walk with you around the neighborhood after dinner. This will give you some quality alone time and a chance to talk. Walk to the park to shoot some hoops or just sit and chat.

Do something you both enjoy. You might feel that you and your dad are polar opposites, but there is probably something that you're both interested in. You might both enjoy documentaries, video games or cooking. Whatever it is, spend some time doing those things together.