Beginning the Conversation
Relax about the conversation. You may feel nervous opening up to your mom about a crush. It can feel weird to talk about something so private with a parent. You may also worry that your mom will be upset about you growing up. Try to relax going into the conversation. It’s natural to be nervous about approaching this subject with your parents. It can feel strange to bring this subject up. Your mother has lived an entire life up until the moment you were born, so she most likely has some great advice for you. Parents generally like it when their kids seek advice from them, so you could be opening up a chance to feel closer with your mom. Your mom probably had crushes herself growing up. She probably remembers what it's like to be your age. She understands you need an adult's guidance sometimes, so don't be shy about talking. Remember, your mom may look concerned or worried while you're talking to her. She may have a lot of questions or concerns. Don't take this as a sign of disapproval. Your mom is simply trying to make sure you're safe and happy.
Pick a good time and place to talk. You want to make sure your mom is not busy or distracted. Work on finding a time and location that works with your mom's schedule. You can talk in a public place, if you feel comfortable, but it may be easier to talk in private. You can talk in your bedroom, for example, or in a quiet room in your home. Keep your mom's schedule in mind when deciding when to talk. If your mom is always busy Wednesday and Thursday nights, do not talk during these times. Instead, pick a weeknight when she's usually home.
Think about what you want to say. Brainstorming a little beforehand can help you manage your stress about the conversation. Take some time before approaching your mom to plan what to say. It can help to make lists. Write a long list of everything you want to discuss, as well as the feelings you're having. You can also compose your feelings in a letter or in your journal. If you feel extra nervous, practice talking in front of the mirror, or practice saying what you want to say out loud by yourself. It may feel silly, but it can help you prepare.
Start off the conversation. Approach your mom and let her know you need to talk. If you're nervous, take a few deep breaths beforehand. Starting the conversation does not have to be complicated. You can begin by letting your mom know you want to talk. Say something like, "Mom, can we talk?" or "Mom, there's something I want to tell you."
Having a Productive Talk
Be honest. Do not withhold information. You want to build a relationship based around trust, especially if you're hoping to gain permission to date. Being honest will make your mom more likely to trust and believe you. Tell her about the boy you have a crush on. Let her know how you know him and what he's like. If there's anything you worry she may not like about him, let her know anyway. It's better she finds out from you than discovering down the road. Keep in mind, your mom may have reservations about the boy for a variety of reasons. While this can be frustrating, it's always best to be honest. You could end up damaging your relationship later if you lie now. If there's something you're nervous about telling her, say something like, "I know you might not like this, but Mason is two grades ahead of me."
Introduce the topic. Actually getting your words out can be hard, so stay calm. Tell your mom how you're feeling about the boy and why you like him. Being direct is always for the best. Take a few deep breaths if you're nervous. Say something like, "Mom, I've been thinking about Mason a lot lately. I think I have feelings for him." The conversation will run smoothly if you don't make your mom do guess work. Do not beat around the bush. Simply state you like the guy.
Listen to your mom's perspective. You may assume your mom does not remember what it's like to be your age, but this is not the case. Even if your mom does not tell you exactly what you want to hear, listen to what she has to say. If you disagree, try to see your mom's side. For example, maybe you're a freshmen and the boy is a senior. Your mom may have reservations as the boy may be older and more experienced. She also may worry about your feelings. If the boy goes away to college next year, for example, you may end up heartbroken. Try to listen as much as you talk. Avoid interrupting, even if your mom is saying something you do not like.
See how your mom feels about you dating. Kids and parents do not always agree about dating. If you want to date the boy you like, your mom may have certain rules. Pay attention to what your mom says so there are no misunderstandings between the two of you. If you're still in middle school, your mom may not want you dating at all. If she does allow dating, there may be strict rules. For example, you may be allowed to go to school events, like dances and sports games, with the boy. You may not be able to go on one-on-one dates with him. If you're still in elementary school, your mom may not want you dating at all. While this can be frustrating, keep in mind your mom has your best interest at heart. You are still very young, and still have a lot of growing up to do.
Be open to compromise. You and your mom may not agree about dating. For cultural, religious, or personal reasons, there may be strict rules regarding dating in your home. If your mom says no to dating, see if a compromise can be reached. See if your mom would allow you to hang out with this boy in supervised settings. For example, maybe he could come hang out at your home. Maybe you could go to public places with him, where others are around. You could also ask if you could pursue a friendship with this guy. Maybe your parents would be open to allowing you to make new friends, as long as you hold off on dating for now.
Talk with your mother about sex. If you are considering becoming sexually active, then it is a good idea to talk to your mother about sex first. Even if you are just curious about sex and not planning to become sexually active, it is a good idea to talk with your mother and ask questions. Your mother will likely be able to answer your questions and may even be impressed by your willingness to ask her about it. Try saying something like, “I am considering becoming sexually active, but I have questions. Would you mind if I asked you some of them?” or, “I am not planning to become sexually active, but I have questions about it. Would you mind if I ask you some questions about sex?”
Dealing with Conflict
Avoid comparing yourself to siblings. Your parents may have different rules for you and your siblings. All children are different, so do not be surprised if you are treated differently. If your brother is older, for example, he may be allowed to date while you are not. Avoid getting defensive. Don't say, "But you let Mark date. Why can't I?" This may make you come off as argumentative, which can frustrate your mom. Try to leave siblings out of the discussion as much as possible. Focus on your relationship with your mother, and leave brothers and sisters out of it.
Do not argue or whine. This is likely to frustrate your mom. It will not help you find a solution to the problem. In the event your mom is unwilling to compromise on certain rules, try to let it go and move on. Arguing does not help smooth over a situation. Even if you feel your mom's rule are unfair, baiting her into an argument will not help her see your side. If anything, she may become more frustrated. She may think you lack maturity, which could result in harsher rules. Instead of arguing, try to be mature. Say something like, "Okay. I don't agree, but I respect that you feel that way." In the future, you can try raising the subject again. Your mom may change her mind down the road.
Look for realistic solutions to a disagreement. Compromise is possible, but you need to keep your expectations in check. If your parents are very religious and do not allow dating at all, for example, you can't expect them to abandon that rule completely. However, there may be a more realistic ways to work things out. Be mature. Try saying something like, "We're definitely not seeing eye to eye on this. How do you think we should proceed?" See if there's a way to change rules slightly. Say you're 13 and your mom does not want you dating until you're 16. You can request that she maybe allow you to start dating at 14 or 15 instead.
Cope if your mom disapproves of your crush. It's possible your mom won't like your crush. There are a variety of reasons your mom may disapprove. In this situation, there are things you can do to cope. Try to understand your mom's point of view. She comes from a different time than you, and has different values as a result. If she criticizes your crush, do not criticize her viewpoint. Avoid taking a side. It's okay if you like someone your parents do not like. Relationships, especially when you're young, may be somewhat fleeting. There's no need to take a firm side in the situation. Simply acknowledge your mother's feelings, while still accepting you like the boy.
Do not hide a relationship from your family. This is a bad idea. Your parents will want to know who you're seeing. They will feel shut out if you're hiding things from them. Even if your mother disapproves, you should still tell her if you like someone and want to date him.
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