How to Cope with Being Adopted

Finding out that You’re Adopted

Talk about your feelings with friends or other trusted people in your life. It’s perfectly normal to feel confused, shocked, and overwhelmed after learning that you’re adopted. Allow yourself to experience these emotions, and share them with people you trust. You might feel guilty or nervous about sharing conflicted feelings with your adopters, but try to put these feelings aside. You don't have to hide your feelings and struggle with your emotions on your own. Try telling your adopters, "I'm feeling strong emotions about being adopted, but I'm going to trust that you can hold me in my turmoil. I want to be honest about my feelings, and talking to you about them is helpful."

You have every right to be angry if you didn’t find out until later in life. Generally, adopters have their adopted children’s best interests in mind, but may not have dealt with their own emotions about withholding information about the adoption. It’s normal to feel shocked, sad, or angry if you found out about your adoption as a teenager or adult. If you want, you can talk to them when you're calm, being honest about your emotions. When you approach them, try saying, "I understand that you might have had your reasons, but I wish you'd have told me when I was younger. I feel upset that you kept me in the dark about something so important for so long." You might want to give them the opportunity to explain why they didn’t want to tell you. You could ask, "Can you tell me about your reasons for not telling me? It would help me see things from your perspective."

Read books and articles by other adoptees. Find memoirs, essays, blogs, and other publications written about adoptees who came to terms with their adoption story. Learning about how other adoptees cope can help you process your own emotions. In addition to written sources, you can also check out documentaries and films about being adopted. Search online, at your local library or bookstore, and on your video streaming service for media related to adoption. You can also find stories and media at https://www.adoptionbeat.org.

Look for a support group for adoptees. Share your story with others in similar situations at a local age-appropriate support group. Search online for a support group that connects adoptees in your age group, or contact a local counselor or adoption agency for a referral. Find a list of US support groups organized by state at https://americanadoptioncongress.org/support_grps.php. If you’re hesitant about joining a support group in person, you could participate in an online support group or social media page. Facebook has many good adoptee support groups that are adoptee-only. It can be helpful to have a safe place with people who share a similar background.

Talk to a counselor who’s experienced working with adoptees. Look online or ask your primary doctor for a referral to a mental health professional in your area. Find a counselor who’s well-versed in specific adoption-related concerns, such as grief, loss, identity formation, and fear of abandonment. A counselor can help you understand and process your emotions. Seeing one that has training in PTSD might be helpful if you’re concerned that grief, fear, and anxiety might affect your ability to form friendships and intimate relationships. Don’t feel ashamed if you experience any of these feelings and want to get help. Many adoptees experience powerful emotions and have difficulty trusting others completely. You may not have been allowed the time or place to grieve the loss of your heritage.

Focus on the bonds you've formed with your adopted family if you want to. Upon learning about their adoption, many people worry that their adopted family is not their "real" family. While these feelings are normal, the bonds between you and your adopted family are absolutely real. You might feel conflicted or left out if you have siblings who are the biological children of your adopted parents. It is ok to grieve the loss of that connection with your own biological family, and any differences that you felt growing up. It might be helpful to remind yourself that, despite your unique backgrounds, you and your siblings are part of the same family and have equal standing. All sibling relationships are complex. If you have a conflicted relationship with a sibling, it might be helpful to talk to a family counselor together.

Coping with Grief and Loss

Give yourself permission to grieve. Some adoptees may feel sadness, confusion, or any mix of emotions related to their birth family. You are allowed to grieve for your birth parents, to feel sad that you don’t know them, and to empathize with their life events that led to your adoption. You don’t have to hide these emotions from yourself or from your adopted parents. Allow yourself to experience them, and share them with people you trust. It might feel strange to be sad about losing something or someone that you never knew. This feeling of grief is called ambiguous loss, and is a common experience of adoptees.

Identify what you’ve lost. Reflect on your feelings, and do your best to define what you’re experiencing. The most difficult aspect of ambiguous loss is that the object of your grief isn’t exactly clear, so it takes a little work to define what you’re grieving. Defining the object of your grief is an important step in healing from it. When someone passes away, you know who you’re grieving and why you’re sad. These aren’t so clear with ambiguous grief related to adoption. Try to put what you’re feeling into words. For instance, say or think to yourself, “I am sad that I don’t know who my birth parents are,” “I regret that I might have siblings I’ll never know,” or "I am upset that I don't know about my ethnic background," or “I feel bad that my birth parents experienced the struggles that led to my adoption.”

Express your grief by creating a memorial or ritual. Try planting a tree or garden that symbolizes both your sense of loss. You could represent your birth parents with a special ornament during the holidays, or light an extra candle for them on your birthday cake. Using memorials and rituals can help you acknowledge your grief, make it less abstract.

Write a letter to your biological parents, even if you can’t send it. Compose a letter that voices your sadness, anger, confusion, and any other emotions you experience. If you are able to, ask your birth parents what led to your adoption, tell them about yourself, and gently express any feelings of resentment you have toward them. You don’t need to know who your birth parents are or send the letter to anyone. Writing can help you define and vent your emotions.

Try to accept unanswered questions about your adoption. All adoptees face some degree of uncertainty about their past. You might not know your birth parents, the circumstances of your birth, or your ethnic heritage. Living with unanswered questions can be difficult, and that is something that adoptees are stuck with. It is ok to be angry that you lost so much information about yourself.

Defining Your Identity

Ask your parents about your adoption story. Your adoption story is part of your personal narrative and can help you build confidence in your identity. Ask your parents to tell you about the process of finding you, when they took you home, and how you grew together into a family. While regularly telling the adoption story is especially important for children, it also benefits teens and adults.

Ask your therapist to help you get in touch with body emotions. Remembering the time before you were separated from your heritage will help you come to terms with the loss you faced and is key to identifying your personality. The type of adoption agreement between your biological and adopters will impact how much information may be available. Closed adoptions, for example, may provide less information regarding your biological parents.

Celebrate what you do know of your biology. It may not be much, but it is a foundation to build upon. Try making a mental or written list of your core values, such as honesty and generosity. List your talents and interests, if you know of things that you share with those in your biological family, focus on those.

Remind yourself of the people, qualities, and beliefs that help shape who you are. Try making a mental or written list of your core values, such as honesty and generosity. List your talents and interests, such as telling jokes, running track, or playing the piano. It might be helpful to think about how grateful you are for your adopted family and how they've helped you become who you are. Keep in mind many adoptees feel obligated to express gratitude and are expected to have it automatically. This can be tough if they haven't been given room to grieve. Framing the concept as appreciation can help with this hurdle. Strike a balance between being grateful and allowing yourself to experience conflicted emotions.

Learn about your biological parents, if possible. Ask your adopters if they have pictures, descriptions, or other information about your birth parents. Try to learn about where they’re from, their cultural backgrounds, and the events that led to your adoption. You might not be able to find answers to some of your questions, and some of what you learn might be difficult to process. However, finding out what you can about your birth parents can help you learn about yourself. Try not to feel guilty for thinking about your birth parents. If you feel awkward about it, talk about it with your therapist.

Explore your birth parents’ cultural traditions. If you learn one or both of your birth parents were from another country, try to learn about their culture. Read about their traditions, try to learn their language, look for local clubs or organizations related to their culture, and celebrate their holidays. If possible, you could also try to visit your birth parents’ country of origin.

Consider taking a DNA test. If information about your birth parents’ ethnic background isn’t available, you could take a DNA test to learn about your heritage. You could also use a testing service to track down relatives. If you just want to learn about your ethnicity, make sure the service you use allows you to keep your results private.

Look into finding your birth parents, if desired. The process of tracking down a biological parent depends on where the adoption took place and whether it was open or closed. For an open adoptions, you can access identifying information, such as the names of your biological parents. If this information isn't available, look online for government and private registry services that connect biological relatives, such as https://www.isrr.org. Searching for and communicating with a biological parent is a complex, emotional endeavor. It's best to talk to a counselor before and during the process. Ask your adopted parents if your adoption was open, closed, or mediated. In an open adoption, there are open lines of communication between the adopted and biological families. In a mediated, or semi-open adoption, families exchange information through a caseworker or lawyer, but maintain their privacy. In a closed adoption, there is no contact between the families, and neither can access identifying information about the other.

Celebrate the family that chose you, if you want to. You were adopted because your adoptive parent(s) wanted you, so much that they were willing to through great hardship just because having you would be worth it.