Lack of Empathy: What It Looks Like and How to Improve It

• Signs of low empathy include being overly critical, having poor listening skills, responding inappropriately, and not being able to handle emotional situations.
• Increase empathy with regular practice, including listening actively, asking open-ended questions, and exposing yourself to different opinions.
• Causes of low empathy include personality disorders, emotional burnout, sleep deprivation, and a lack of socialization in childhood.

Signs of Low Empathy

1. Critical or judgmental attitude: Part of being empathetic is recognizing that people might do things for many different reasons. People who lack empathy fail to give others the benefit of the doubt and assume their actions are meant to hurt or insult others.Examples: Assuming someone hates you because they cut you off in traffic or thinking someone is stupid because they didn't fill out a form correctly.2. Inappropriate responses: Communication includes not just the words that are spoken, but the way a person says them and how they act when they say them. If someone lacks empathy, they may not know how to interpret someone's gestures and facial expressions or understand the emotions behind their words, which can lead to inappropriate responses.Examples: Laughing when someone says they had a hard day or being dismissive of someone's concerns because you think it's no big deal.3. Poor listening skills: People who are distracted or not paying attention when others are talking likely lack empathy. Because they're not paying attention, a person will miss out on key information about how the speaker is feeling and what they're trying to say.Examples: Texting while someone's talking to you or not making eye contact.4. Impatience: Many people who are lacking in empathy only care about themselves. They see other people's emotions as a distraction and don't care to give people the time or space they need to express them.Examples: Telling someone who's upset to "just get over it" or claiming someone who was offended was just being too sensitive.5. Tunnel vision: For someone who's lacking in empathy, their perspective is the only one that matters. They tend to automatically reject any perspective that clashes with theirs. If someone disagrees with them or thinks they should do something differently, they believe that person is wrong.Examples: Refusing to listen to advice from a parent, teacher, or another authority figure or insisting that anyone who disagrees with you is stupid.6. Tendency to blame others: Someone who's lacking in empathy often doesn't realize how their actions impact others. They tend to blame others for their mistakes rather than taking responsibility. In their eyes, they can do nothing wrong.Examples: Claiming that "they started it" or "they were doing it first" or flipping the blame on the victim with "look what you made me do."7. Difficulty regulating emotions: Mindfulness is highly associated with empathy. People who aren't very mindful tend to have a hard time regulating or controlling their emotions. They act out with little regard for how their outburst might affect others.Examples: Flying off the handle in response to a relatively insignificant slight or getting angry at a stranger for something innocuous.8. Inability to deal with emotional situations: For a person who lacks empathy, big displays of emotion can be annoying or confusing. If they don't understand someone's emotions, they could be completely baffled by the person's reaction. Because they're so confused, they may just check out rather than try to deal with the situation.Examples: Walking away when someone's upset or getting angry because someone starts crying.9. Intolerance of different opinions: People won't always agree on everything. Someone with strong empathy can ask questions to try to understand why someone thinks differently than they do or to find common ground. But for those who lack empathy, they're more likely to simply see someone who has a different opinion as wrong.Examples: Believing anyone who follows a religion you don't follow is stupid or ending a friendship over a fandom dispute.10. Incapacity to forgive: Someone who's lacking in empathy often sees everything anyone else does as intentional. They have a hard time forgiving someone for making a mistake because they don't understand the other person's emotions and don't register when someone actually regrets something they've done.Examples: Holding a grudge over something someone did a decade ago or not allowing someone in your home because they made a mess at a party last year.11. Accusing others of being "too sensitive:" A person lacking in empathy expects everyone to react the same way they would. If they wouldn't get upset over a joke, they don't think any else has the right to get upset over it either. If they do, it must mean there's something wrong with them.Examples: Saying "you don't have a sense of humor" or "learn to take a joke" or telling someone that something isn't a big deal.12. Blaming the victim: People who are lacking in empathy tend to think that bad things won't happen to them. When they see something bad happen to someone else, they'll fixate on something that person could have done differently to keep from being victimized. In their mind, if the victim had only acted differently, the bad thing never would've happened.Examples: Saying someone who was robbed "should have locked their doors" or arguing that people who are overweight are just lazy.13. Refusal to apologize: If someone is completely unable to empathize with other people, they don't care if anyone is hurt or upset by the things that they do. Typically, they're going to do whatever they want to do without any regard for anyone else. Because they can't connect their actions with the result, they see no reason to feel sorry about what they did.Examples: Blaming someone else for something you did or making excuses rather than apologizing. 14. Failure to understand effects of behavior: Because people who are lacking in empathy don't understand other people's emotions, they have a hard time linking their actions to anything someone else might feel. They often don't appreciate that the things they do can cause other people to feel a certain way. They might be confused as to how something they did could lead to such a feeling or response.Examples: Walking away after hurting someone without realizing the person is hurt or leaving a mess for someone else to clean up.15. Difficulty maintaining relationships: If someone's lacking in empathy, people in their life don't tend to stick around for very long. They likely don't have good relationships with their family members, have few long-term friends, and have short romantic relationships.Examples: Dating a different person every few months or never talking to parents or siblings.

Increasing Your Empathy

1. Adopt a growth mindset. If you have low empathy, it's not just something you're stuck with! Believing that you're capable of improving your empathy is the first step of the process.You might choose an empathy affirmation, such as "I find it a little easier to be empathetic every day," or "I care about the way other people think.".2. Read fiction to practice seeing things from a different perspective. Fiction, especially a first-person narrative, allows you to step into someone else's mind and see things from their point of view.Memoirs and other first-person accounts are also great for building empathy. Watching documentaries can also give you exposure to different perspectives.3. Use mindfulness to help regulate your emotions. Try deep breathing or meditate to help release your emotions calmly. As you meditate, label your emotions and acknowledge them with "I feel" statements, then allow the feeling to pass.Take a break when you feel yourself getting out of control or overwhelmed and practice breathing deeply to help calm your nervous system so you can think more clearly.4. Expose yourself to other perspectives and opinions. Ask open-ended questions to better understand where someone is coming from. Approach them with open-minded curiosity rather than judgment.Practice active listening and repeat back what the person says in your own words to better understand what they're saying.5. Learn to read body language. Body language (e.g., facial expressions, posture, vocal tone) can tell you a lot about the emotions behind what they're saying. This helps you empathize better so that you can respond appropriately.If someone's body language doesn't seem to match what they're saying and it confuses you, just ask! It also helps to make eye contact.6. Practice random acts of kindness. As you go about your day, get in the habit of thinking if there's anything you could do for someone else while you're doing something for yourself.For example, if you're going to get coffee, you might grab one for your partner or your boss as well.7. Reach out to old friends and family members. It doesn't take a lot of effort to send a quick text message and say "hi"—you'll probably be surprised at how happy they are to hear from you!Keeping in touch with people doesn't necessarily mean you have to interact with them every day. Just check in periodically to let them know they're on your mind.8. Get help from a professional if you think you need it. Don't be shy or feel embarrassed about joining a support group or seeing a therapist.

Helping Others Improve Their Empathy

1. Have them repeat back what you say using reflective listening. With reflective listening, you make a statement about what you're thinking or how you're feeling, and then the other person repeats it back to you.For example, you could say "Your joke insulted disabled people and I am disabled, so I felt as though you were insulting me and it hurt."2. Ask them to take a break if they seem overwhelmed or confused. When someone is overwhelmed, they have difficulty processing what's going on around them and might not respond appropriately to the situation.Reassure the person that you're happy to continue talking about the issue once they're feeling calmer and more centered.3. Point out similarities the person shares with other people. Someone with low empathy tends to focus on differences. Encourage them to look at what they have in common instead—this can help them understand how another person's feelings or perspectives matter.This also helps you break down and challenge prejudices and stereotypes.4. Praise empathetic behavior when you see it. People of all ages tend to like being praised. If you praise people when they exhibit kindness, that reinforces the behavior.This tends to work better with people who would expect praise from you, such as your children. If you're in a position of authority you have the opportunity to model empathetic behavior. Those who look to you for leadership and guidance will see your behavior as something to emulate.6. Discuss ethical dilemmas that require you to consider other perspectives. Question the other person about the different points of view in the situation and how those might be resolved with a compromise.For example, you might consider seating arrangements at a party where there are guests who don't get along with each other.

Causes of Low Empathy

1. Cluster B personality disorders: Cluster B personality disorders are a set of disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder (BPD). These disorders are marked by low levels of empathy.Many of these disorders become apparent when a person is in their teens and are thought to be caused by some sort of trauma in the person's childhood that caused their emotional development to be stunted.2. Autism (in some ways): Autistic people might have low levels of cognitive empathy, which is the ability to understand other people's thoughts and feelings. Many autistic people use logic to avoid inconsiderate behavior.Autistic people may struggle with picking up on hints and reading body language.Research shows that autistic people communicate more easily with each other than with non-autistics. Also, non-autistic people don't empathize well with autistic people and may even be biased against them.3. Traumatic brain injury (TBI): TBI causes people to have difficulty identifying emotions in other people and understanding other people's emotions. People who have a TBI might also have difficulty regulating their own emotions.Much of this effect depends on the part of the brain that was injured and the severity of the injury.4. Alexithymia: Alexithymia is a personality trait that makes it harder for a person to understand both their own and others' emotions.Alexithymia, much like other traits, can be mild or pronounced. It may be primary (a general personality trait) or secondary (developing because of illness, trauma, or another life issue). Even if it's inborn, people can learn emotional intelligence skills.5. Low oxytocin: Oxytocin is a hormone closely associated with bonding, trust, and feelings of love. Studies have shown that people with low oxytocin levels also have reduced empathy.6. Sleep deprivation: When people are sleep-deprived, they have difficulty processing emotional information. This difficulty can also reduce people's ability to perceive and understand other people's emotions.7. Empathy fatigue/emotional burnout: Long periods of stress and trauma can cause people to lose their ability to care. This happens during traumatic times, such as during the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as in caring professions, including nursing.7. Lack of modeling: Children who don't grow up with parents or other strong role models who show them how to be empathetic often have low levels of empathy as adults.8. Socialization: Children who are socialized by their family and their community to value empathy and show care and kindness to others have higher levels of empathy as adults. Without that socialization, they might display a lack of empathy when they're older.