How to Tell Your Girlfriend She's Fat

Should I tell my girlfriend that she’s fat?

It depends on how she feels about herself. If she has been gaining weight, she almost certainly knows it. Putting her down isn’t going to fix anything. The key question isn’t whether she’s gaining weight or not, but how she feels about it. If she’s perfectly happy with her body, you telling her she has a problem implies that your opinion about her body matters more than how she feels—which is unreasonable. If she’s not happy about the weight gain, you can definitely have a productive conversation about her weight. But just coming right out and saying, “You’re fat,” is going to make her feel even worse about it. You want to be loving and supportive, not cruel. You can tell how she feels about herself by paying attention to how she talks about her body. If she looks for reassurance, she asks you if clothing makes her look fat, or she complains about how she looks, she’s not happy about her weight.

Do not bring up her weight if she’s happy with who she is. If she’s not interested in losing weight because she likes the way she looks, it’s not your place to tell her she needs to change. That doesn’t mean you can’t encourage healthy behavior that may lead to weight loss. It does mean that you shouldn’t directly address her weight, though. By modelling healthy behavior and encouraging the two of you to do things that will lead to weight loss, you’ll help her lose weight without telling her she needs to lose weight in the first place.

Avoid the word “fat” if you do address this directly. The f-word is just going to make her feel down about the situation, and you gain nothing from making your girlfriend feel bad. It’s okay to have an honest conversation if she’s open to it, but that doesn’t mean you should be cruel. Avoid the pronoun “you” as much as possible if you choose to be upfront. Include yourself whenever possible to soften the blow. Use phrases like “we’ve put on some weight” or “aren’t as healthy as we could be” instead of “you’re fat” or “you’re overweight.” Women get so many negative messages about their bodies from media, advertising, music, and movies. Do not add to that negativity.

Framing the Conversation with Empathy

Keep any conversations about weight loss centered on health. It’s better for her to be excited about being healthy than ashamed for being overweight, which is what’s going to happen if you guide the conversation towards the way she looks. It’s a lot easier to lose weight if you think you’re working towards something productive (being healthy), than away from something negative (being fat). Think about it this way. Would you do better in a class where you were working towards learning as much as possible, or a class where you were scared for your life that you were going to get a bad grade? Positivity wins out every time, so focus on physical wellbeing.

Use the pronoun “we” to include yourself in the convo. If you focus entirely on her body, her decisions, or her lifestyle, she’s going to feel attacked. Keep the convo centered on both of you so that it’s about your relationship, not her body. Use plenty of “I think” and “we should” language instead of “you…” This will keep her from feeling like she’s being put under a microscope or unfairly criticized. For example, instead of saying, “You’re overweight,” you might say “We’re not as healthy as we used to be,” or, “I think we could eat better.”

Talking to Your Girlfriend Directly about Her Weight

Wait for her to bring it up or start the convo when she’s calm. Focus on her health and how she feels about herself, not on how you feel about her. If possible, take it slow and let her weight up, since she’ll be more open to the conversation if it’s her idea. Come from a place of respect, love, and empathy. You might say: “Hey, I know you’ve been thinking about losing weight lately. I know we’ve both gained some weight the past year, and I think changing our diet to get to a healthier place is a great idea.” “I don’t think you’re overweight. I do think we could probably be healthier, though. Let’s make some changes together! It’ll be fun!” “I know you’ve been worried lately about your weight. I don’t think you’re overweight, but I get it if you want to be healthier. I’ve been thinking about changing my diet, too. Do you want to make some changes with me?”

Make it super clear that you still love her. Encouragement is key. If she gets it in her head that you don’t like her anymore, it can put her in a really negative emotional space. Your goal isn’t to shame her, so use a ton of positive reminders and qualifiers as the two of you have this conversation. You might say: “You know I still think you’re beautiful, right? This is really just about getting healthier. I want us to feel our best and be safe.” “I love you so much, I’d be lost if anything ever happened to you. That’s why I just want us to be healthy.”

Own the blame if she takes it the wrong way. It is very difficult to discuss someone’s weight without them getting angry or sad at you, and reasonably so. If this happens, explain that you’ve made a mistake. Then, own up for it and soften the blow by pointing out some fault in you. By taking ownership, you’ll take the sting out of the conversation. You can say things like: “Maybe I’m giving you the wrong impression. I don’t think you’ve got a ‘problem’ or anything. I just think we could exercise more often.” “Ugh, I’m sorry. Hold on. I’m really doing a bad job of saying what I mean, I apologize. Look—I’m kind of nuts when it comes to being healthy. I just want the best for us. This is for me, not you.” “Of course I’m still attracted to you! I’ve just noticed that we’ve both been really tired lately. I think if we eat a healthier diet and work out more often we’ll have more energy.”

Come up with a plan together to start losing weight together. If she’s on board, make a plan together to start eating better. Pick a few activities the two of you can do together to start working out. Aim to eat a diverse diet full of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and lean protein, and try to get at least 150 minutes of physical exercise a week. Include healthy things in the diet that she enjoys eating. If she has gained weight due to stress, try meditation and other ways to reduce stress. Keep in mind, this will take time. You should only aim to lose 1–2 pounds (0.45–0.91 kg) a week, so don’t get discouraged and keep her motivated with a positive and upbeat attitude. If she’s not into the idea of losing weight, drop it. You can’t make this decision for her and you’re only going to harm your relationship if you keep pressuring to do something she isn’t ready for.

Indirect Strategies to Encourage Weight Loss

Tell her you want to lose weight and you need her help. Break it to her that you’re worried about the way you look and that you want to lose weight. Don’t even comment on her body, just ask her to help you make the changes you want to make. This is a good way to inadvertently encourage weight loss, and you’ll improve your overall health in the process! You might say, “I feel like I’ve been gaining weight over the past few months and I want to make some changes. I don’t know if I have the willpower to do it alone, though. Do you want to start working out with me? I could really use the support.” If you’re already rail-thin, don’t do this. She’s either going to see right through your charade or think that you’ve got an eating disorder.

Pick a new activity together for the two of you to get moving. Talk to your girlfriend about picking up a new hobby together. You could make it about just looking for something new to do, or act like you’re super interested in a new hobby and ask your girlfriend to join you. If the two of you get moving and start eating healthier, she’ll start losing weight in no time. You could start playing tennis, buy some bikes and go on regular rides, or start gardening together. The CDC recommends getting 150 minutes of exercise a week, which comes down to 30 minutes a day for 5 days a week.

Get super into cooking together and make healthy meals. Tell your girlfriend that you’re interested in learning how to cook, or that you want to save money by eating at home more often. Buy healthy groceries and start cooking together. Restaurants add all kinds of unhealthy ingredients to their dishes, and at home you can control what the two of you are eating so that you can start losing weight. Eat a diverse diet full of vegetables, fruits, lean proteins, whole grains, and healthy fats. Limit your consumption of red meat, soda, and processed food. Anything that’s high in saturated fat or added sugars will also be bad for you.

See a doctor together and let the doctor tell her she needs to lose weight. Play it off like you’re both overdue for a physical or need a flu shot. Come up with some innocuous reason to need to go to the doctor and suggest that your girlfriend should schedule an appointment as well. If your girlfriend is truly overweight, the doctor will talk to her about it. Hearing that she needs to lose weight from a neutral third party may be the encouragement she needs to get motivated. If she has an upcoming doctor’s appointment, just wait for that. She may come back with a newfound desire to lose weight on her own.