How to Talk to a Girl in a Group

Approaching a Girl in a Group

Evaluate the group dynamic. Not every group is going to be appropriate to approach. Is this a group of girls commiserating over a group member's break up? Are they talking about work or is a family member sick? Listen in without seeming obvious for cues. If it is a serious topic you're best not to talk to her. If it is light-hearted, then you're probably safe to proceed.

Be a part of the group. The first part of talking to any group is blending in without making it too obvious. Look for a natural opening in a group, or wait until you overhear something good, so you don't just butt into a conversation. Make yourself seem like you're part of the group without invading the group's space. It is okay to jump in as long as you do it in a nice manner. Ask her questions relating to the subject. Say, "I'm lost here, what are we talking about. Gimme the spoiler?" Don't just walk up to a group of people you don't know and start standing there and listening. That'll be a big creepy turn-off.

Join in. Listen to what the group is talking about, and start contributing to whatever they're talking about. Use the subjects the group is talking about to your advantage. Introduce yourself if necessary. If the group is talking about a recent movie, join the conversation and share your impressions. Talk to the entire group of girls. Don't try to single out the girl you're trying to talk to immediately. Depending on the girl, she could be worried about offending her friends, or feel bad that they aren't being given the same amount of attention.

Start your side conversation. After starting the conversation relating to what the group is talking about, slowly transition into just talking to the girl you want to talk to. Turn toward her and make eye contact. Address the things you say to her, instead of the group. Start making little side comments that other people won't be able to hear. Keeping her interested in what you are saying will make her distracted from the rest of the group, and eventually, focusing more on you. EXPERT TIP Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Connect one-on-one first to join a group. Want to get the attention of one girl or join a group of girls? Focus on connecting with one person first. Watch how the group interacts. Show you care through kindness and by listening. Share your real interests. You're more likely to attract someone and fit into the group when you focus on building real relationships.

Keep talking. Eventually, the group might leave you two alone to talk, and it'll be a lot easier to carry on a one-on-one conversation in private. Ask her lots of questions and continue making eye contact to make her feel like you're talking to her specifically. If you they don't leave, make sure to include the other members of her group in the conversation so they won't be left out. However, make sure you are still fun of the conversation so that you are also getting a chance to talk to the girl while having fun. Most girls think it's nice when guys are nice to their friends.

Disengage if it doesn't work. Sometimes, the best tactic is to chat for a while and then move elsewhere. Keep making eye-contact with the girl you were trying to talk to. This can be a great way of seeing if she's interested in talking more with you. If she leaves the group and goes to find you? Good sign. If you never meet back up, wait unit the end of the night. When her group is leaving, pull her aside quickly and tell her what a great time you've had. Tell her you'd love to meet her for coffee or a drink sometime.

Knowing What to Say

Ask more questions than you talk. What is this group interested in? What do they like? What are they like? If this group could be a kind of dessert, what would she be? Just find fun and light things to chat about to see what she, and the rest of the group, are interested in. Here are some good group questions, if you're not familiar with the group: How do you all know each other? How often do you all hang out? What are you all drinking? Who has the best one?

Listen and follow up. Listening is a very important skill, and the more you do it, the more you'll be able to understand different perspectives and relate to other people. Listen to what they're talking about and respond to the subject positively and kindly with something of your own. If the group is taking about a movie, ask what everyone thought. If someone says, "Boring," say, "Oh really? What movies do you like?" Keep the conversation flowing and positive, to show that you're an interesting person that this girl should want to talk to. The follow up is the most important part of a conversation. Nobody knows how to talk to a stranger without listening to what they say and responding.

Keep turning the attention of the group to the girl you want to talk to. If one member of the group is giving her opinion about a particular topic, turn to the girl you want to talk to and say, "What do you think?" This is an excellent way of contributing to the break in the conversation and including her in it as well. It also signals to everyone that you're interested in talking to her specifically.

Look for something you have in common. If you know she's in a particular club, likes a certain band, or is particularity interested in something, focus your conversation by asking her about it. Ask how long she's been interested in that hobby, why she likes it, and let it lead to finding out more about her and seeing what you guys have in common.

Tell her about yourself. Conversation is give and take, and if you only talk about her, she might feel like you're prying. Be open about your life experiences to help her feel more comfortable. After asking her about herself, think about something that has to do with what she says, and then respond. At the same time, don't only talk about yourself. Self-absorbmant is a pretty big turn-off.

Be positive.While you're talking to a group, try to keep things light and positive. Encourage others in their opinions and laugh at their jokes. Don't interrupt anyone or dissent from the group at first, until you're sure of the dynamics. Lots of "pick-up artist" schemes recommend subtle insults as a way of getting a girl to be attracted. While this has mixed results, it's always a terrible idea to try in a group full of girls. Little jokes can work fine. But there's a difference between saying something teasing and flirty like, "I can't believe you hated Iron Man. Have you no soul? Prove to me you have a soul" and telling a girl that her perspective on birth control is "childish."

Be yourself. Don't try to make yourself into someone else to get her attention or pretend to be interested into things you don't like. If you end up not having much in common, that's okay. Go look for other groups and other conversations.

Forget about lines. Start by introducing yourself and shaking her hand, than everyone else's hand. Ask if you can sit down with them. Talk to everyone equally and be genuinely interested in what they are saying. That's how a conversation should get started with a group, not with, "Are those space pants?" Don't try to show off as part of a group. Jokes and gimmicks are more likely to get you a drink in the face than an invitation to coffee.