Learning to Deal with Rejection
Stay calm and rational. Having a game plan will help you learn not to fear rejection. It’s also a great way to build confidence. When we are in the moment, we rely on our emotions, not our brains. If you can stay calm, you can redirect any fear you have and focus so that you respond rationally and appropriately. It’s easy to let your first reaction to a bad situation take control. If you think rejection is on the horizon, plan now!
Start journaling. Journaling can be very beneficial for cognitive reflection and development because it provides a place for you to document your fears, doubts, feelings, thoughts, and ideas. By writing your feelings onto the page, you are better able to release them and avoid dwelling or ruminating on things you cannot change (such as a breakup, rejection letter from the university, failed scholarship application, etc.). Writing can thus be a helpful tool in letting your feelings of fear go. The very act of putting feelings and free-floating ideas into words can help you better understand them. Writing about your fear forces you to evaluate why you feel that way. Don't be afraid of sounding irrational or childish; you don't have to share your journal with anyone, and you can always re-evaluate an event later.
Identify a tendency toward "all-or-nothing" thinking. Have you ever thought something like “If I don’t get into this school, I won’t go anywhere,” or, “They’re the only girl/guy for me!” These are examples of “black-and-white” or “all-or-nothing” thinking. Such statements are inaccurate over-generalizations, and they can make the possibility of rejection feel like a bigger deal than it really is. Put an end to it with this process: Identify all-or-nothing statements and write them down. For example, “If I don't get this job, it means I am worthless and will never amount to anything." Identify the all-or-nothing component in the statement. For example, “Having this job makes me worthwhile, not having this job makes me worthless.” Refute the polarization. For example, “I have not had this job before and my life has not been worthless up until this point.” Focus on the positive. For example, "I’ll find another job. Now I have a really top-notch cover letter because I applied for this job. I can do this!"
Keep in mind that rejection is always a possibility. Rejection is a part of life, and part of facing your fear means realizing that it can happen, that it happens to lots of people, and that it is not an end, but in fact a beginning. You apply for a job? Well, so do 100 other people. You ask someone on a date? There's a 50-50 chance of her saying "no" (and a 50-50 chance of her saying "yes"!). You only have control over yourself. If you apply for a scholarship, you can't control the quality of the other applications. All you can do is your best! Remember, rejection gets easier to handle over time. It hurts, but the more it happens the more you’ll learn to cope with it.
Be graceful with the rejection. It may be easier said than done, but accepting rejection gracefully is always the best way to go. Instead of lashing out, show understanding and empathy. For one thing, you've probably had to reject someone before and you know what it feels like to have to crush someone's hopes. It’s also just going to be less emotional work than lashing out. For example, let’s say you’ve applied to a job from which you have been rejected. Send an email thanking the recruiter for their time. A note like this can help you find closure from the rejection and let go of ill feelings. It's also important not to burn bridges if they change their mind!
Maintain perspective. Rejection happens, but you won't be rejected from everything. You wouldn't be able to accomplish your goals and dreams if you didn't put yourself out there. Because you do put yourself out there and try, it's realistic to expect a little rejection once in a while. That's still progress, though! It's important to maintain a bigger perspective that goes beyond the exact moment of rejection. If you find yourself overwhelmed with a particular situation in which you’ve been rejected, ask yourself, “Will this matter next week? What about next year?” If the answer to those questions is “probably not,” then you should feel a sense of relief!
Acknowledge events are neutral until you ascribe a feeling to them. Don't fear something that hasn't happened yet. We often assume a direct connection between what we feel and the event at hand. Note that a rejection only means that you didn't get something you wanted. Subsequent feelings of doubt, fear, inadequacy or sadness are added by you. Try to catch these moments when you ascribe intense feelings to neutral situation. It's important for you to try to identify both what the rejection objectively means and the feelings you are ascribing to this reality. For example, “I was rejected from this job. This rejection brings up feelings of doubt in my abilities. I am sad because I felt very qualified for this position.” Identifying the feelings you are ascribing to the situation will help you become aware of your personal concerns and doubts that you can address in the following steps.
Seeing Rejection as Opportunity
See rejection as opening new doors. Reframe your perception of rejection to see it as an opportunity. Remember that old adage, "When one door closes, another door opens?" It's true. Being rejected from one opportunity keeps you free for other opportunities. Though it may not seem like it the exact moment of the rejection, in some time from now, you may very well look back at this rejection and think, “Thank goodness, I didn’t get that job!” For example, imagine you are applying to job. While the experience and pay are real advantages to the position, it will also consume all of your time. The same goes for your personal life. What if you were rejected by a girl you liked, you meet a new girl and embark on a relationship with her!
Consider rejection as a learning experience. Rejection isn't an end, but a beginning. This is true because you often can take something away or learn something from the experience of rejection. Instead of fearing it, try to think of rejection as yet another chance to learn. If you asked someone out via text message, maybe you've learned that it would actually be better to do in person. If you didn’t land the job because there were typos on your resume, you learned to double-check your work!
Try, try, and try again. Speaking strictly in regards to probability, the more often you put yourself out there and try, the higher the odds that it works out. Before negative thinking creeps in, remind yourself that when you don’t try, nothing changes. The only way forward involves risking rejection. You’re never going to get a “yes” if you don’t put yourself out there. Rejection can hurt, but each rejection is one step closer to success!
Identify alternatives. It’s easy to assume we are being rejected because we are inferior. It is important to remember that there are always factors and information you are not aware of and there may be alternative reasons why someone has chosen to reject you. If you start losing your cool a bit, remember that you can’t know everything and there may be alternative explanations why you weren’t successful. If you are rejected by a graduate program, you may have lost your spot to a less-qualified candidate with an inside connection. A person you asked out on a date might already have a significant other. Maybe they’re leaving the country soon. It isn’t always your fault! Acknowledging these alternatives will help keep you from taking a rejection personally and help remind you that your subjective experience is not necessarily a reflection of reality.
Retaining Your Self-Confidence and Self-Worth
Embrace yourself. Fear of rejection may reflect low self-confidence. When your worth is based on the thoughts and perceptions of others, your self-confidence and self-worth are at the mercy of what others think of you. Developing and maintaining self-confidence based on your own personal evaluations will enable you to be more stable in the face of rejection. Do not seek re-affirmation of your virtues in others, for that is the root of your fear of rejection. You are only responsible for yourself.
Recall your strengths. We become more susceptible to fear of rejection if we are feeling doubtful and if our feelings of self-worth rely on others. It's important that you feel a sense of pride and confidence in yourself and that you value your skills. Remembering and documenting your strengths is the first step to find the confidence that comes from within yourself, not external to it. Write a list of your strengths and abilities in your journal to highlight your self-value and challenge any feelings of self-doubt that emerge when we fear rejection. Make a list of things you’re proud of. Ever finished a marathon? Won a huge scholarship? Did you help a lost child find their parents? This will help build your self-confidence.
Focus on your goals. Building on the strengths you have just identified, create a list of goals, of things you want to work towards. This can heighten your feelings of self-worth and purpose. Ask yourself: How will I go about attaining these goes? What needs to be done? What actions can I take now? Planning, working towards, and meeting goals will help you feel more confident about your prospects in the future and less fearful of rejection. Breaking down goals into smaller steps will help you build confidence. Moreover, success in these small steps can help insulate the effects of rejection. Make a list of what you need to do to improve your odds in the future. As you accomplish all of these smaller goals, you'll feel more confident.
Remind yourself of your contributions to the world around you. Contributing to and helping others is very rewarding and gives you a sense of purpose. This sense of purpose contributes greatly to feelings of self-confidence and self-esteem. Research has confirmed that volunteer work, for example, enhances key aspects of personal well-being: happiness, life satisfaction, self-esteem, sense of control over life, and physical health. Consider volunteering your time at a hospital or school event. Or if you prefer animals, there is always volunteering at a humane society to help animals. Be kind and generous to and with others. Being kind to other people and even strangers makes others feel good, which in turn makes you feel good, thus perpetuating the cycle!
Be creative and do things. Set aside time to do something that makes you happy every day, whether that means reading, cooking, gardening, or playing computer games. Embrace and enjoy this time you've set aside; you deserve it. Repeat that statement as needed. Enriching your life with things you like to do helps you feel more positive about your life and, in turn, more able to face life's challenges and your personal fears, including rejection. Try something new. Learn a language, take a cooking class, or try improv. In experimenting with new activities, you might learn about talents or skills you didn't know you possessed. This can help build your self-esteem and self-worth and perhaps also show you new paths in life that you hadn't considered before. If you can try something new and face those fears, you'll also help build your resilience to rejection.
Take care of yourself. Putting time and effort into ensuring your own mental and physical well-being can help build your feelings of self-worth. The healthier you are in mind and body, the better the possibility that you will be satisfied with yourself and more able to successfully face the possibility of rejection. Taking care of yourself means doing your best to be healthy, whatever that means for you. Here are some helpful tips: Take care of your physical self. Make sure you eat healthy, unprocessed food, relaxation and get enough sleep (at least 7-8 hours). Exercise is also important. Research has shown that exercise can give a real boost to self-esteem. Give yourself time to relax. Stress is a major problem that many of us suffer from and can help foster and heighten negative feelings and fears. Designate time for relaxation that can help you reduce your stress in your everyday life.
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