See them for who they really are.
Threats indicate something in your relationship is seriously wrong. Take some time to write down how you feel after interactions with the narcissist in your life—do you often feel drained, uncomfortable, and hurt? These are signs of a toxic relationship, and by writing them down, you can push yourself to change this relationship’s dynamics. These feelings might be new to you in this relationship. In the early stages of a relationship with a narcissist, you might find yourself pulled into their orbit and even idolizing them. Abusive patterns of behavior might only appear later.
Remember that you’re not at fault.
Narcissists always try to deflect blame onto others. A narcissist will often refuse to take responsibility for anything, and buying into their version of events can really negatively affect your self-worth. They can threaten you and make you feel like you’re at fault. But by repeating to yourself that you’re not responsible for everything that goes wrong, you can keep yourself calm and collected.
Speak up for yourself.
Asserting yourself can change your relationship’s dynamics. It’s difficult to stop an unhealthy relationship dynamic without having the room to do so. If a narcissist is threatening you, let them know that you deserve the space to speak, and that this is non-negotiable. Claim this space by saying something like: “I’ve heard what you have to say. Now, I believe it’s my turn to talk.” “Please give me a chance to speak.” “I’d like to have a conversation with you, and for that I need to speak.”
Deescalate the situation.
When you’re threatened, prioritize your own safety. A narcissist won’t let you be right, so instead of trying to prove your point, focus on getting out of this interaction safely—emotionally and physically. If you’re able to claim enough space for yourself to speak, try one of these statements to deescalate the situation without giving in to the narcissist’s demands: “I understand what you’re saying, but I disagree with your assessment of me.” “I think we have different views of this situation, but that’s okay.” “I’m sure that if we revisited this conversation in a few minutes we’d come to a better understanding.” It’s okay to decide to leave the room if a narcissist is verbally attacking you, and if they’re physically threatening you, please leave as quickly and safely as you can.
Set clear boundaries.
Creating boundaries is crucial to prevent future threats. Emphatic confrontation is a tactic that involves showing the narcissist that you understand where they’re coming from, and then telling them what boundaries they cannot cross. Try saying something like: “I understand that it may not be your intention to hurt me, but when you threaten to ruin the party, you’re doing just that. We can work through what’s bothering you when we’re alone.” “I know that you love your grandkids, but threatening me in order to spend more time with them will not work. I need you to respect my right as a parent to organize their schedule.” “I know that you care about me, but angrily threatening to leave me every time we disagree hurts our relationship. We need to find better ways to resolve conflicts.”
Emotionally distance yourself.
Your emotional health is worth more than any relationship. If your attempts to set boundaries and improve your relationship with the narcissist aren’t working, it’s time to work on detaching yourself emotionally. Emotionally distancing yourself could mean seeing the narcissist less often or not going the extra mile to do them any favors. For example, if you see the narcissist once a week, you might want to reduce how often you see each other to once every other week, or even once a month. Consider reducing how often you text or call each other as well. Being in constant contact with the narcissist can make you feel far more emotionally invested in them than you would be otherwise. Try to let go of any need you might have for the narcissist’s approval. If the narcissist calls you out on your attempts to emotionally distance yourself, just let them know you have other things going on in your life.
Find a support system.
Seek out other people to meet your emotional needs. Develop your relationships with other friends or family members so that you can have a support system of people outside of this relationship. Remember that a good relationship means mutual care and trust. Narcissists are incapable of empathy, so keep your expectations low for your relationship with one. This might mean expecting them to pick fights with you for no reason, to not be there for you when you need them, or to burden you with work that you should be sharing. It’s really hard to admit that a relationship isn’t fulfilling, but it’s important. Remember that a relationship with a narcissist will never be able to meet your needs because this relationship is entirely about the desires of the narcissist.
Focus on self-care.
A relationship with a narcissist can cause you to neglect yourself. When you spend so much time catering to another person’s whims, you might forget to take care of your own. Make sure you spend time regularly doing things that are for your own pleasure, not the narcissist’s. Beyond staying active and eating and sleeping well, try doing things like: Taking yourself out to the movies or a restaurant without the narcissist Meditating for 15-30 minutes a day Picking up a creative hobby like making art, creating music, or writing for pleasure
End your relationship with the narcissist.
Threatening behavior is a good reason to end a relationship. No one should have to tolerate threats in any relationship, and deciding to end your relationship is a completely acceptable response to threatening behavior. It may be difficult, but it’s an important step in regaining control over your life. Try sending them a message saying something like, “I’ve decided that it’s in both of our best interests to end our relationship.” It may be more difficult to disentangle yourself from a narcissist who is your parent, for example, rather than your friend. If it isn’t possible to immediately end your relationship with the narcissist, slowly reduce contact with them until you’re able to live separate lives. If the narcissist continues to contact you after you’ve told them you no longer want to be in touch, you may be able to file for a restraining order. Documenting any threats made by the narcissist, whether as screenshots of texts and e-mails or even a written log of what they said, can make the process in court much easier.
Talk to a therapist.
Therapy can give you the chance to recover from narcissistic abuse. Although most narcissists are unwilling to go to therapy, survivors of their behavior can gain a lot from speaking with a mental health professional. Whether you decide to continue your relationship with the narcissist or not, a therapist can give you the tools to stay strong and mentally resilient. A therapist can help you identify patterns of relationships with narcissists and move past them. For example, if you were raised by a narcissist parent, you may find yourself drawn to a narcissistic romantic partner, since this narcissism is tied up with your conception of love.
Contact the police if you feel physically unsafe.
Threats to your physical safety should be taken seriously. If the narcissist has made threats of bodily harm against you, it’s important that you reach out to others so that you can stay safe. Call or visit your local police station and describe the situation to them to file a complaint. Your safety matters more than anything.
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