How to Know if You're Being Used for Sex

Examining Your Interactions

Notice what time of day or night they most often contact you. If the texts and calls come late at night or when they’re drunk or lonely, you may want to consider the possibility that you’re being used for sex. Pay attention to whether you ever hear from them during the day or if they respond to your messages and calls within a reasonable amount of time. If they text you every time they’re out drinking at a bar and it’s late at night, they’re probably looking for a hookup. If you talk often throughout the day about things other than getting together to have sex, there may be more depth to the relationship.

Assess how often you stay in rather than go out on dates. Do they prefer to come over to your place or have you over to theirs? If you ask them to go out and do something, do they seem uninterested? Keep in mind that this could be done under the guise of being romantic—but staying in means the chances of having sex are much higher than if you’re out in public. Some people are just homebodies and that’s okay! If the person you’re seeing likes to be home, think about how often you spend time together that doesn’t end in them initiating sex. He might also make excuses about why he can't hang out with you.

Observe how often your conversations have a sexual overtone. Look at your text messages and see how often the conversation takes on a flirty or sexual tone. Think about whether or not you have conversations that are about everyday things, like work, hobbies, or funny things that happened. Pay attention to how your conversations go when you’re together, too. If things always seem to take a sexual turn, that most likely means that person has one thing on their mind.

Take some time to think about whether your needs are met during sex. If the other person doesn’t take the time to make sure you both are having a fulfilling experience, they may be interested only in their own needs. If at the end of the night you’re left feeling unsatisfied and unheard, listen to that feeling! It may be that you need to speak up and have a conversation, but it also could mean that they aren’t concerned about your needs. If you do ask them to try different things or tell them what you prefer and they don’t listen, that’s a clear sign that they’re there for their own benefit.

Think about if they compliment you on things other than your looks. Everyone appreciates being complimented on their looks, but if this person doesn’t seem to notice the other great things about you—like your intelligence, humor, or compassion—they have a one-track mind. It comes down to whether or not you feel known and connected or if you feel like your body is the only thing that matters. Try asking them what they find attractive about you. If their list is full of physical descriptions, ask them what they like about you other than your looks. This could jog a deeper discussion or cue you into their true intentions.

Consider whether they’ve ever introduced you to their friends or family. If you’re regularly having sex but have never met any of their friends or family, it could mean that they aren’t interested in having a real relationship with you. Similarly, pay attention to how they act when you mention introducing them to your friends. Are they interested or do they always happen to be busy?Tip: If you do meet their friends or family, pay close attention to how you are introduced to them. You could even ask the person you’re sleeping with how they describe your relationship to other people or if other people even know you’re spending time together.

Give their actions more merit than their words. A person could tell you lots of sweet, romantic things about how they want to be together, but if their actions don’t match up with those sentiments, they may be using you. If they say they want you to get to know their friends but never manage to arrange a hangout, they don’t want it to happen. If they say they want to go out on nice dates but are always too tired when the time comes around, that signifies that it isn’t a real priority for them. On the flip-side, if they are saying things like “I just want things to be casual,” or “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” listen to them. Those are clear statements about their intentions that shouldn’t be ignored.

Experimenting with Different Scenarios

Ask them to do something that won’t end in sex to see if they agree. Pick an activity outside of the house that has nothing to do with hooking up, like volunteering, working out, going to a community event, or even just meeting up for a coffee. Make it clear that you have a commitment afterward so you won’t be able to hang out all day or evening and see if they agree. If they always make excuses or are busy, they may not be interested in anything other than sex. For example, send them a text that says something like, “There’s a super cool event downtown next Saturday morning. Want to meet up and get coffee and walk around together? I have to meet my mom that afternoon, but I’d love to spend some time together beforehand.” You could also say something like, “I’ve been feeling a little cooped up lately and need to get out of the house. Want to join me for a run at the park after work?”

Tell them you’re not in the mood and observe what happens next. The next time you’re together and they go to initiate sex, simply say, “I’m not in the mood. Let’s just spend time together.” If they stop being charming and affectionate once sex is off the table, that’s a clear sign that they were mainly interested in hooking up. If they say that’s fine and settle in to simply hang out, that is great! But if they get cranky or leave, you have your answer.

Pay attention to how they act once sex is over. After you do have sex, do they leave soon after or act like they’re ready to be alone? Do they get on their phone or turn on the TV and stop interacting with you? Try engaging them in some other activity, like getting something to eat, going to the movies, or just talking to see if they’re interested in spending time together even after sex. Pay attention to how you feel you’re treated after sex. If you feel ignored or used, there is a reason for that. Chances are you’re not being unreasonable or dramatic—you should trust your intuition.

Text them about something personal and see how they respond. Send them a text about a work problem or a conflict with a friend and pay attention to what they say and how long it takes them to respond. Look for concern, compassion, or advice. If they don’t respond or just say something flippant, like, “That sucks,” they aren’t providing you with any kind of emotional support. Someone who is only interested in sex isn’t going to be very invested in your emotional well-being.

Observe how they treat you when you’re feeling under the weather. The next time you’re sick or just feeling a little down, tell them. See if they offer to help you or do something to cheer you up. If they aren’t interested in seeing you or talking until you’re feeling better, that is a sign that they’re mainly interested in their own needs. If they check up on you, bring you food, or do something else for you, that’s super nice and shows that they do care about you.

Ask to meet their friends or invite them to spend time with yours. Try moving your relationship outside of the bedroom if you’re worried about it being only about sex. Try to arrange a hangout with their friends out at dinner or a bar, or invite them to spend time with your friends or family the next time you have plans together. If they always come up with excuses or are busy when you want to see their friends or have them meet yours, pay attention to that. It shows that they aren’t interested in becoming a bigger part of your life.