How to Deal With Abusive Mother in Law

Creating a United Front With Your Spouse

Talk to your spouse about their mother. It’s likely that your spouse already knows that their mother is difficult. However, your spouse might not realize that their mother is actually abusive. They also might not realize how seriously you feel about the situation. If you plan to address the problems with your mother-in-law, your spouse has a right to know before you take action. Have this conversation at a time that is good for both of you. You should be able to have a calm conversation in private without feeling rushed or threatened. Begin by asking questions. You can ask your spouse something like, “How do you feel about your relationship with your mother lately?” This can open up the conversation without you expressing judgements of your spouse’s mother. If your spouse doesn’t see their mother as having any problems, this could lead to marital problems down the line. Be clear with your spouse. Offer examples of the abuse, so they can understand where you’re coming from. You can mention events from a recent visit, or specific comments your mother-in-law has made.

Decide if you will take action without your spouse. There's a chance that your spouse will not agree with you about their mother's behavior. They might understand your position but be unwilling to take action themselves. You now need to decide if you are willing to act without help from your spouse. Ask your spouse if they can support your actions even if they don't want to participate themselves. If you choose to act against your spouse's wishes, this could lead to serious marital problems. If addressing your mother-in-law's behavior is extremely important to you, let your spouse know. They might be willing to compromise on their position. If your spouse refuses to address their mother's behavior, this can be a sign that the abuse is ongoing and will not ever be addressed. In this case, you may need to seek counseling as a couple in order for your relationship to remain healthy.

Understand where your mother-in-law is coming from. This step can be hard when you’re dealing with someone who is abusive to you or your family. However, it’s important to try to see things from her perspective. Many mothers have a hard time letting their children go, or seeing their own children as new parents. Most likely, your mother-in-law wants what’s best for your spouse and for your children (if you have any). Remember that this is something you have in common. You might not agree on what’s best, but at least you both have someone you love in common. Take note of any cultural differences. If you and your mother-in-law are from very different cultural backgrounds, this could account for some misunderstandings. Cultural differences are never an excuse for abuse, however.

Role-play if possible. Your spouse knows their mother well, so you can practice what it might be like to talk to her about the abusive behavior. This can also be a great tool for bonding with your spouse and finding where you agree on this issue. Your spouse may not feel comfortable role-playing with you. If not, you can ask if they’d be willing to simply listen while you talk out potential scenarios.

Agree on a plan. Once you and your spouse have come to an understanding about your mother-in-law’s behavior, you must decide what you’ll do about it. Make sure your plan is clear and that it’s something you both feel good about. You might plan to simply have a talk with your mother-in-law. Decide when and where you will have the talk. Will you both be present? Who will do most of the talking? It can even be a good idea to write down a script so that neither of you is surprised in the moment. You may decide not to confront your mother-in-law, but to simply spend less time with her. Decide together how much time you can agree to spend with her, and in what contexts. Have a backup plan. For example, if she asks why you haven’t made your usual weekly visit, be prepared with an answer that you and your spouse have agreed to. You may decide to be very honest and say, “We don’t feel comfortable with our children spending lots of time with you,” or you could simply say, “We’ve been very busy lately.” Plan your approach with your spouse.

Identify the specific methods and victims of abuse. The type of abuse will likely determine how you confront your mother-in-law and how you choose to deal with the situation. Remember that abuse takes many forms, but all of them are unacceptable. If the abuse happened in the past, you may just need to have a frank conversation with your mother-in-law. If it is still ongoing, you'll likely need to enforce specific changes. If your mother-in-law verbally abused your spouse while they were growing up, you may simply want to let her know that you're aware of this history. You can also say something like, "I understand that this happened in the past. It's been a difficult thing for us to work through as a couple, but we're determined to create a healthy environment for ourselves and our family now." If the abuse is still going on, and you or your children are victims, you can say to your spouse, "I understand that you didn't have control over this as a child. However, as adults we now have the power to stop this abuse and to protect our children from it."

Establishing Boundaries With Your Mother-in-Law

Be honest about the relationship. Never fake a closeness with your in-laws that isn’t really there. It’s perfectly acceptable to be polite to your in-laws without making anything more of the relationship. Don’t get in the habit of referring to your mother-in-law as “mom” or “mother.” She is your spouse’s mother, but not yours. Only engage in physical touch you’re comfortable with. There’s no need for a long, drawn-out hug with someone you feel uncomfortable around.

Assert yourself. Many people find themselves becoming quiet or shy around abusive mothers-in-law. However, this can fuel the abusive behavior. If your mother-in-law does or says something hurtful, stand up for yourself or your spouse. If you have children, make sure your mother-in-law knows and follows your parenting rules. If she refuses, remind her that you are their mother. You can say something like, “I know you have had plenty of experience parenting. However, we do things differently in our house, and I need you to respect that if you’re going to spend time with my children.” If she says something degrading or hurtful to you, you can say, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way. Please stop.”

Place limits on the time you will spend with her. This is something you should have already discussed with your spouse. Your spouse may opt to spend more time with your mother-in-law than you are willing to spend. Your mother-in-law may ask why you haven’t been joining, or may be happy to have some time alone with her child. You can let your mother-in-law know in advance that you’ll be spending less time with her. She may ask why. It is up to you and your spouse if you want to be fully honest with her. It may be possible to cut down the time you spend with her without having to talk to her about it.

Accept disapproval. If your mother-in-law has already expressed strong disapproval of you and your family, she’s unlikely to change her mind. Remember that you don’t need her approval. It can be empowering to say this out loud to your mother-in-law. For example, if she tells you that your home is too small and cluttered, you can simply say, “We’re very happy here, actually. You might not approve of our home, but it’s great for our needs.”

Set boundaries appropriate to the situation. If your mother-in-law was or continues to be severely abusive, you may need to cut her out of your family's life altogether. Even if she is no longer abusive, having her around may still be triggering for your spouse or for you. If your mother-in-law was physically or sexually abusive to your spouse growing up, it may be impossible to repair the relationship. Your spouse can let you know how much they're interested in trying to salvage the relationship. A family therapist can help heal past wounds if the trauma from the abuse is severe. If your mother-in-law is physically abusive to your spouse or anyone in your family, you may need to contact law enforcement. If you suspect or know of any sexual abuse, you need to contact the police immediately.

Creating Distance From Your Mother-in-Law

Take time for yourself. This can be time before you will see your mother-in-law, or even during a family event. Take some time to be by yourself and reflect on how the relationship feels in the moment. At a difficult family gathering, you can excuse yourself for a short walk around the block, or to make a phone call to a trusted friend. Before you see your mother-in-law, spend some time by yourself. You can use this time to reflect and relax so that you’ll have an easier time when you do see your mother-in-law. You may need to vent to a friend after spending time with your mother-in-law. Have someone on hand whom you can call if you need to.

Move to be farther away from her. This step can seem drastic, but if your mother-in-law is truly abusive, moving may be the only viable option. Many couples do move based on proximity to in-laws. Living farther away can prevent meddling and unwanted visits. If your mother-in-law’s abuse affects your children, moving away can help assure their safety from her. You can choose whether you and your spouse will be honest about the reason for moving or not.

Leave the relationship if necessary. Sometimes, a spouse isn’t willing or able to admit that their mother is abusive. This can cause a rift between partners, and sometimes causes the relationship to end. If your spouse can’t admit that their mother is abusive, offer to see a couple’s therapist together before deciding to end the marriage. Leaving a marriage is a big decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. However, you should never tolerate abuse in order to preserve a marriage.

Seek therapy for recovery if you need to. If your mother-in-law has caused trauma for you or your children, you may want to see a therapist even after your mother-in-law is out of your life. Abuse can take years to recover from, even when the abuser is no longer a threat. Even if your spouse doesn't see the abuse, you may still need to deal with its effects on you. Children can be affected by abuse even if they are not consciously aware of it. Make sure they have someone safe to talk to if they've been exposed to abusive behavior.