- Recognize that BPD makes emotional regulation difficult. Your partner’s actions are manifestations of a mental illness; their behavior is not a reflection of who you are.
- Your partner might be crazy about you one day and angry with you the next. They likely have wild mood swings that cause them to act needy and then distance themselves.
- Improve your relationship by engaging in therapy, communicating productively, defining boundaries, and practicing self-care.
- Take care of your needs by attending a support group, spending time with friends, and pursuing your own hobbies.
Stages of the BPD Relationship Cycle
Idealizing During this initial “honeymoon phase,” your partner with BPD is extremely enthusiastic about the relationship. They think you’re absolutely perfect; you’re everything they’ve been searching for! Things move fast, and you’re caught up in the passion and excitement. It feels great to be loved so deeply. Your partner may mirror your interests since a symptom of borderline personality disorder is an unstable and shifting self-image. You collect Happy Meal toys? Absolutely fascinating! You love to watch water polo? What a coincidence, your partner does too!
Neediness & Hypersensitivity Your partner feels insecure during this stage. They watch carefully for signs of rejection and treat you with suspicion. The thought of separation sends them into a panic, even if you’re only planning a weekend trip. You may feel smothered by their constant need for attention. A person with BPD engages in irrational efforts to avoid being left alone. For example, your partner might try to entice you to stay in bed longer in the morning, even though that would make you late for work. Your partner is hypersensitive during this stage; they can misinterpret your words or actions and feel deeply hurt. Say your partner sends you a text while you’re busy driving. When you check your phone later, you’re surprised to find a string of angry messages saying you “clearly don’t care about them" because you didn't respond immediately. Your partner’s behavior has roots in two aspects of their BPD diagnosis: stress-related paranoia and fear of abandonment. They often feel guilt and shame because of their actions, but the impulse to behave this way is very strong.
Provoking & Testing Your partner’s doubts about your commitment are likely escalating. They crave evidence of your love, so they provoke, manipulate, and test you to gauge your loyalty. Your reaction is seen as evidence of how much–or how little–you value them. You might feel confused by their muddy logic and frustrated that you have to jump through hoops to show you care. Imagine that your partner with BPD begs you to cancel your plans with friends so the two of you can watch a movie together instead. If you agree to cancel, it’s proof that you love them. If you choose to hang out with your friends, it’s perceived as utter rejection. One symptom of borderline personality disorder is constant feelings of worthlessness. Because people with BPD battle nonstop self-negativity, they seek continual reassurance from outside sources.
Distancing & Devaluing When you do something your partner perceives as “wrong,” it’s as though a switch is flipped. Even though they were wild about you a day ago, now you’re viewed as a horrible person. Your partner with BPD pulls away from you. As they rapidly swing from totally adoring you to completely devaluing you, you can experience emotional whiplash. Black-and-white thinking, or “splitting,” is common in people with borderline personality disorder. They have a tendency to think of people as all good or all bad, heroes or villains. It’s a struggle for them to view others realistically. It’s painful to be treated this way, but try to remember: this is not a reflection of who you are as a person; it is a manifestation of your partner’s mental illness.
Breaking Up The breakup can happen in a few different ways. Your partner could start an argument. Once that fuse is lit, they have trouble controlling their temper. Or, they might just “ghost” you and disappear. If you instigate the breakup, your partner probably offers desperate explanations and begs you to stay. People with borderline personality disorder have a deep fear of abandonment; they would much rather be the person leaving instead of being the person who is left behind. Anger issues, including frequent loss of temper, is one diagnostic symptom of borderline personality disorder.
Downward Spiral & Reconnecting Post-breakup, your ex experiences a downward spiral of depression and self-destructive behavior. They may drink too much, engage in risky sex, or rack up debt. Deliberate self-harm and suicidality are not uncommon. After some time has passed, they'll reach out to you with hopes of repairing the relationship. Take threats of suicide seriously. Immediately call emergency services so a professional can determine how dangerous the situation is. This shows your ex that you don’t wish them harm, but you refuse to be drawn in by their chaos. You are not responsible for the outcome of your ex’s choices. If you agree to give the relationship another try, the cycle begins again. That is, unless the two of you put in the therapeutic work to break the pattern.
What causes borderline personality disorder?
BPD is marked by the inability to effectively manage emotions. People with borderline personality disorder experience severe mood swings, strong impulses, and intense, overwhelming emotions. The disorder is thought to be caused by a combination of genetics and harmful childhood experiences. Childhood trauma has long-lasting effects; it can actually influence how someone’s neurons and genes work by causing neuromorphological and epigenetic changes.
Fear of abandonment is at the root of BPD. When someone’s needs have not been consistently met during childhood, that betrayal can cause someone to feel unsafe and vulnerable well into adulthood. Without a foundation of trust and predictability, they may behave in a defensive or reactive way as a means of protecting themselves from rejection.
How long does the BPD relationship cycle last?
There is no set time limit for the BPD relationship cycle. How often it occurs and how long each stage lasts varies based on multiple factors, including the person’s stress levels, whether they’re engaged in therapeutic treatment, and whether they have a solid support network. Research shows that outcomes are good for people with BPD who participate in treatment; they can learn strategies to manage their emotions and improve their relationships.
Strategies for Improving Your Relationship
Learn about BPD. Educating yourself about borderline personality disorder is a great way to support your partner. Feeling misunderstood intensifies your partner's pain and their emotional flare-ups. When you develop a greater understanding of their diagnosis, you form a better understanding of how to show up for them.
Embrace therapy. Encourage your partner to engage in therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is the go-to treatment for BPD, and couples therapy is worth looking into as well. You may also benefit from your own private sessions. Dating someone with BPD comes with unique challenges; you can learn to navigate them by working with a therapist.
Communicate productively. Discuss problems when you’re feeling calm. If your partner is experiencing an intense emotional reaction, they’re probably too overwhelmed to have a rational discussion. Stay neutral and level-headed while communicating with your partner. The best way to help an emotional person cool off? Simply by listening. Staying silent while looking interested and concerned can make a big difference. If they’re speaking to you in a hurtful way, say, “I won’t tolerate being spoken to like that. We can talk about this later when we’re both feeling calmer.”
Set attainable expectations. Plan to solve problems with baby steps rather than overarching, long-term goals. Remember that your partner with BPD is dealing with a serious disorder that impacts them on an epigenetic and neuromorphological level. Progress will be slow and ongoing, and that's okay. Slower progress has better outcomes, as it prevents the possibility of big failures that could crush their budding self-confidence. Learning how to cope with small failures leads to greater success overall. For example, instead of telling your partner with BPD to stop texting you at work, schedule times throughout the day to catch up with them, such as during lunch and breaks. Your partner feels reassured that you aren’t ignoring them, and you aren’t interrupted during a meeting.
Define boundaries. Establishing boundaries is essential to any healthy relationship, but it’s especially important to set clear boundaries when your partner has BPD. This helps your partner know what to expect, and it provides the stability and predictability they need. Express yourself using simple, direct language. One example might be, “I need to get to work on time, and I expect you to be supportive of that. I'm setting a boundary: please don’t ask me to do things that interfere with my morning schedule.” Think carefully before giving your partner an ultimatum; only give an ultimatum when you can and will follow through.
Join a support group. Attending a support group, either in person or online, is a good way to connect with people who can relate to your situation. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness, https://nami.org/) facilitates support groups for people living with mental illness, as well as groups for their loved ones.
Practice self-care. Carve out time for your own hobbies and friends. Whether you go for a jog, meet your mom for dinner, or go watch a game with your crew, it’s beneficial to spend some time doing activities without your partner. Loving someone who has a mental illness can feel all-consuming; spending time with other people eases feelings of isolation or tension.
Knowing When to Walk Away
Break up if you’re staying out of a sense of obligation. Are you only with your partner because you feel guilty when you think about leaving? Are you still dating because you’re worried they'll hurt themselves if you break up? If you’re being manipulated into staying, that isn’t a healthy relationship–it’s a trap. Saying no to someone with BPD can be intimidating, but you owe it to yourself if you’re unhappy in your relationship.
Leave an abusive situation. If you’re experiencing physical abuse of any sort and/or ongoing emotional abuse, it isn’t worth staying. Refuse to tolerate threats, spitting, or hitting. Yes, you care about your partner. Yes, they have a mental illness that’s difficult to manage. But you deserve to feel safe and respected. Leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult or even unsafe. Depending on your situation, it may require some planning and preparation. Most areas have organizations to help victims of abuse.
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