- A serial monogamist is someone who moves from relationship to relationship with very little time in between.
- Signs of serial monogamy include jumping into serious relationships quickly and a checkered dating history.
- Possible causes of serial monogamy include deeper emotional issues or unaddressed fears.
- To break the pattern of serial monogamy, figure out why you’re afraid to be single and work on finding fulfillment in yourself.
Definition
A serial monogamist is someone who jumps from relationship to relationship. They tend to partner up very quickly because they’re uncomfortable or afraid of being on their own. They might do this with long-term or short-term relationships, but the general idea is the same: they always have a romantic partner, and they are never single for long. Serial monogamy is also the idea that relationships just aren’t meant to last forever. People who are “serial monogamists” might consciously or unconsciously expect their partners to leave them, which is why they are so good at moving on quickly.
Signs of Serial Monogamy
Very little time in between relationships The classic sign of someone who is a serial monogamist is this: they spend as little time as possible being single, even when long-term relationships end. They tend to move on quickly, and they often don’t give themselves time to grieve or mourn the breakup.
Jumping into serious relationships very quickly Serial monogamists don’t do casual sex or hookups. Instead, they’re looking for commitment, and they’re looking for it now. They might move in with a partner very quickly or ask to become official after only a couple of dates.
Having a new partner lined up before the relationship ends Serial monogamists don’t like being alone, so they’ll often have a backup plan. They might hop on dating apps while they’re still in a relationship, or start talking to a friend who they know is single.
Expecting the relationship to end In the back of their minds, serial monogamists are always prepared for the next breakup. They do this to protect themselves—if they don’t think the relationship is going to last, they can’t really be hurt when it’s over, right? This is often why they’re able to get over a breakup so fast, because they’re prepared for it. Serial monogamists will often have career goals rather than relationship goals. This is because their career is something that they can control, while their relationship isn’t.
Multiple marriages or engagements in the past Since serial monogamists tend to jump in head first, they might have a colorful dating history. Many serial monogamists have multiple marriages or broken engagements from relationships that didn’t work out.
Love-bombing a new partner Love-bombing is when someone gives you a ton of attention at the beginning of the relationship, but it peters out fairly quickly. Serial monogamists don’t necessarily mean to love-bomb their partners, but it often happens naturally: they get so wrapped up in the excitement of a new person at the start, but they can’t keep it up. You may notice this trend if you’re dating a serial monogamist. Similarly, serial monogamists often have no interest in meeting their partner’s parents or families. This is because they are afraid to commit to them, and while they like the initial stages of a relationship, they don’t want to move past it into anything deeper.
Possible Causes
Fear of commitment Many serial monogamists jump from partner to partner because they’re scared of committing themselves to a single person. Maybe they’ve been hurt in the past, or maybe they just don’t want to be tied down. Either way, they have trouble staying in relationships, and would prefer to have different partners instead. This phenomena can be a little confusing, because “fear of commitment” and “serial monogamist” don’t really go together at first glance. However, a serial monogamist is known for hopping from relationship to relationship, which is a key indicator that they don’t like commitment.
Low self-esteem Serial monogamists may rely on relationships to feel good about themselves. When they’re single, they feel inadequate, so they put pressure on themselves to find a new relationship fast. Low self-esteem can also cause people to look for new partners when they feel like their relationship is failing. Insecure people often like to have a backup plan so they don’t get hurt.
Perfectionism Perfectionists don’t just want their work to be perfect—some of them expect their relationships to be perfect, too. When their partner inevitably falls short of their super high expectations, they’ll move on to someone new. This can cause a cycle of repeated breakups and new partners that’s tough to stop.
Self-sabotage Assuming that a relationship will fail or that a partner will leave you is a vicious cycle: once you think that, you start sabotaging the relationship in little ways, and it often comes true. People who self-sabotage often do so because they have low self-esteem or have been hurt in the past. This can turn people into serial monogamists because they are always ending relationships and looking for someone new.
Evolutionary predispositions New studies have shown that serial monogamy may be ingrained in our DNA. Since multiple partners typically means more offspring, jumping from relationship to relationship is a way to preserve our blood line. Plus, mating with multiple partners increases genetic diversity, which is an overall plus for society.
Mental health disorders Borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may lead people to seek attention more than others. They may also feel uncomfortable being single and fear being abandoned, leading them to jump from partner to partner. Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) can also be a factor in serial monogamy. Some people with OCD may fixate on their partner or their relationship, leading them to overthinking and ultimately sabotaging things.
Potential Drawbacks
No time to grieve past relationships Moving on from relationships quickly can feel like a blessing, but actually, it can wreak havoc on your emotions. When you move on too fast without any closure, you’re pushing the feelings of sadness, loss, and anger down deep. Neglecting those feelings may cause them to build up over time, which can start to affect your mental health or your current relationships. Do you often feel confused about a relationship after it’s ended, or like you never got a resolution? This is likely because the relationship lacked closure.
Forgetting about friendships When you’re so focused on your next romantic partner, it’s easy to let your other relationships fall by the wayside. Your friends might complain that you never hang out anymore, and your family might wonder why you don’t talk to them as much. Always setting your sights on your next relationship can distract you from the other meaningful people in your life. Do you find it hard to maintain meaningful friendships with people? Ask yourself whether or not it’s because you’re always distracted by your relationship.
Pursuing unfulfilling relationships When your only goal is not to be single, you may settle for a less-than-ideal partner just so you don’t have to be alone. These unfulfilling relationships may feel fine in the moment, but over time, they can make you feel even lonelier. Do you sometimes wonder why you choose partners you know aren’t a good fit for you? It could be that you’re lowering your standards too much.
Never learning to be alone Spending time on your own is a really good thing, and it’s a great way to get to know yourself more. When you never spend any time alone, you don’t get to truly understand who you are as a person or what your goals are. This can cause you to feel lost or unfulfilled, especially as you get older. Do you find yourself bored or anxious during your free time? It might be because you’re used to having people around you.
How to Break the Cycle
Identify your behavior patterns. The first step toward getting better is admitting that you have a problem. The only way to move on from serial monogamy is to accept that you’ve been a serial monogamist in the past. Then, you can make a commitment to change and learn about yourself.
Find out why you’re a serial monogamist. Everyone is different, and your reasons might be different from other people’s. Ask yourself: why, exactly, do you feel the need to jump from relationship to relationship? And why are you so scared to be single?
Pursue fulfilling relationships. Commit to raising your standards and only entering relationships that you know are healthy and good for you. You can also work on pursuing platonic relationships with friends instead of romantic partners.
Boost your self-esteem. Raising your self-esteem can give you the courage to be on your own, even when it’s tough. Work on identifying your negative beliefs about yourself, then challenge them. Keep a journal of your thoughts and write down positive things about yourself to slowly change over time. For instance, if you often think, “I can never be happy on my own,” you might challenge it with something like, “I can learn to love spending time by myself.”
Work with a mental health professional to change your habits. Working on yourself is tough, and it’s even tougher without guidance. Talk to a mental health professional to uncover where your serial monogamy comes from and what you can work on. They’ll help you identify your triggers, any emotions that you’re suppressing, and the next steps you can take moving forward.
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