Starting the Conversation
Ask permission. It’s a good idea to let the other person know you’re interested in having a tough conversation so that they don’t feel blindsided. Ask if the person is willing to talk to you. If the person says no, allow him or her to have a bit more time, and then ask again. Sometimes people need time and space to process that someone has something potentially painful to say. By asking permission, you set the stage for a more reciprocal conversation. Although these may already be hard things to say, but it is very important to start the conversation. A good way to phrase this is “I need to talk to you about something that might be hard. Can you tell me a good time that we can have this conversation?” Or say something like this: “Would it be okay with you if we set some time aside to talk next week? There are a few things that have been on my mind recently that I want to share with you.”
Choose an appropriate setting. Find a quiet place to talk. Some less serious truths can be told in public places – telling a friend they have a piece of spinach in their teeth doesn’t need to be a huge production. But for more heartfelt conversations, it’s best to choose a safe environment where you won’t have to worry about being overheard or making a scene. A home, spacious park, or quiet café are good choices. You can even try going for a walk.
Open with something positive. It’s important to avoid being accusatory or offensive when you start a hard conversation. Make sure that the other person knows you’re telling the truth because you care. Introduce the topic with a positive, such as “Peter, you’re one of the most important people in my life, so I feel like I need to tell you…” and then move on to the meat of the conversation. For situations in which you aren’t as close with the other person, such as in a work environment, choose a positive that is a little more formal. For example, “Kelly, you have a really great knack for analysis, but I’m concerned…” If you know the person well, you can open with some more personal positives: “Amanda, I’m only telling you this because you’re such an amazing friend and caring person, but…”
Prepare the other person. It’s also a good idea to make sure the other person knows they’re in for a potentially difficult conversation. Hopefully you’ve already told them that you have something tough to say, but just to be sure, reiterate your intentions before beginning the conversation." Let them know that this might be hard for them to hear and for you to say, but that you think it’s valuable nonetheless. This will set the tone for a conversation built on respect and trust. For example: “I know this is going to be a hard conversation, but I think if we can discuss this, it will really strengthen our relationship.
Don’t beat around the bush. It’s hard to tell the truth, and you might be tempted to spend the first thirty minutes talking about work or the weather or that smoothie you had for lunch. The conversation isn’t going to get any easier if you put it off. Summon up your courage and get down to business. It’s ok to put off the conversation for just a minute so that you can start off by telling someone that they are important to you: “I want to talk to you about this because I care about you so much.” It’s not ok to start off with “Oh my god, you wouldn’t believe what I heard at work today,” and then transition into a deep, difficult conversation.
Having the Actual Conversation
Use a good tone and appropriate language. Try to use a calm and loving tone throughout the conversation, instead of speaking in a loud, aggressive voice. Similarly, pick language that is kind and non-threatening and gives the other person room to formulate an opinion. Phrase things in terms of how they make you feel. Instead of saying “you shouldn’t have done this,” say “I felt really hurt when you did this.” That way, they'll understand that their actions had an impact on your feelings. Bring in a few positive things that they do that make you feel good, and use them as a way to point out why you find the negative actions so hurtful: “I appreciate it when you take the time out of your day to call me at lunch. That’s why I’m so hurt that you haven’t been in contact with me for a week.”
Think before you speak. Take a second or two to process what has been said before responding. You want to be honest, but make sure you find a way to say something constructive, instead of overreacting to a hurtful comment. This will keep the conversation genuine and open. If somebody criticizes you during the conversation, avoid responding with “that’s not true!” or “you suck!” Instead, take a few minutes to think about what the person said and respond with something like “I appreciate your honesty.”
Be honest, but be kind. Since you’ve already taken the initiative to tell the truth, say everything you want and need to say. Be honest, but do it in a kind manner. Trust your gut when it comes to saying the hard things. If you think it’ll really make a difference, force yourself to make a potentially harsh comment, but use the nicest language that you can. Keep in mind that what you’re saying will probably be really hard for someone else to hear. For example, if you need to tell a significant other that they aren’t offering you enough emotional support, you can say: “I realize that you’re trying to be supportive, but when you text me 'good luck' instead of showing up at the game, it makes me feel like you don’t really care.” If you’re trying to tell somebody that they’re not doing well at their job, add in a positive: “I see that you’re very creative, and I would love to see you manage your time better so that you can contribute more to the team.” The person you’re talking to might not initially be able to process what you’ve said. If you’ve said things in a kind way, they will ultimately realize that your intentions were good the whole time.
Expect the unexpected. Even if you’re honest, you may not get a positive or expected response. No matter how much you anticipate what the other person may say, they could very well respond with anger or judgment. Go into the conversation knowing that there’s a possibility that you might walk away feeling upset. Don't let this deter you from speaking out; it’s still important to express how you feel. You’ll have more peace of mind knowing that you tried.
Leave room for silence. What you have to say might take someone else by surprise. Give them ample time to respond to you. If you ask a hard question or make a big suggestion and the other person doesn’t respond immediately, it’s probably because they’re trying to understand what you’ve said and how to best proceed. Be patient. Don’t bombard them with more questions if they don’t respond right away. Leave some room for contemplation. If you push them to talk before they're ready to, they may get upset and say something that will make the situation more difficult than it already is.
Accept potential criticism. You might find that when you bring up something that bothers or troubles you about someone else, they’ll retaliate with something equally as hurtful about you. The conversation won’t go anywhere if you refuse to listen to criticism as you simultaneously dish it out. Keep an open mind and be prepared to hear some truths about yourself that you might not have previously acknowledged. Don't get defensive and say something like “that’s not true!” This won't lead to anywhere but more arguing. Instead, acknowledge what they have said: “Ok, I’ll try to work on that. Thanks for letting me know.” This way, they'll know that you’re receptive to change as well.
Dealing with the Aftermath
Leave the door open for more conversations. It’s important not to rush the initial conversation. You may need to make time for more than one talk. If you feel like the conversation has reached a standstill, call it quits for the day and give you and your partner a few days or a week to process before talking again. Try saying something like, “I think we have talked enough for now. Let’s resume this conversation in a few days.”
Figure out a next step. Once you’ve had a few talks, be sure that both people know what the conclusions and expectations are. Don’t leave things up in the air, otherwise somebody is bound to get upset all over again. Agree on a resolution and stick to it. Try saying something like, “So we are in agreement then? The next time ____ happens, we will both ____.”
Seek professional help. If you just can’t seem to come to a consensus on your own, try seeking out advice from a professional. Speaking with a counselor, attending a group therapy session, or even finding a trusted friend to mediate can shed new light on the issue at hand. Try saying something to your friend like, “I think we would benefit from meeting with an objective third party. Would you be willing to talk this over with me at a counselor’s office?”
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