13 Signs of a Master Manipulator
They gaslight you. Clinical psychologist Lena Dicken explains, “Gaslighting is when somebody makes you feel like your feelings are wrong.” It can make you question your perception of events. A master manipulator might twist the truth, saying things like, “Stop overreacting, you’re crazy!” or “That never happened; stop making such a big deal out of it.” More common things gaslighters say include: “You’re too emotional.” “You have a terrible memory.” “Are you just making that up?” “I was joking. Can’t you take a joke?” “Stop being so dramatic.” Dicken also emphasizes that it can be hard to spot gaslighting as it happens. “The person who's being gaslit ends up feeling very confused and very unsure about their own reality.”
They play the victim. When a master manipulator doesn’t want to be blamed for something they did wrong, they might try to paint themselves as a victim instead. Rather than acknowledging their actions, they’ll shift the blame onto you and make it seem like you’re the one who did something wrong to them in order to maintain control of the situation. For example, you might try to confront them about something, only for them to make you feel like you’re the one who should apologize for saying something rude or being too harsh. Remember that it’s okay to bring up issues that affect you—it doesn’t make you mean or insensitive.
They use emotional blackmail. Master manipulators may try to make you feel guilty or ashamed to say no to them—and if you’re reluctant to say no, they’re more likely to get what they want. Emotional blackmail essentially means using your emotions against you, trying to manipulate your feelings so you’ll comply with their wishes. For example, a master manipulator might say something like, “I thought you cared about me. If you cared, you’d want to help me out.” By implying you don’t care enough about them, the master manipulator is trying to emotionally blackmail you into proving that you care by doing what they want.
They mirror your personality. On the surface, it might seem like the master manipulator just has a ton in common with you. However, this can be a manipulation tactic. When a manipulator mirrors your personality, they adopt the same interests and opinions as you, becoming the perfect fit for you so they’ll have more influence on you. For example, a master manipulator might change their stance on a topic based on who they’re talking to. You might notice them agreeing with you on a certain —and then agreeing with someone else (who has a very different opinion than you) the next day.
They ask for favors without returning them. Most friendships and relationships have reciprocity (the idea that if you do something nice for someone, they’ll return the favor). However, master manipulators prefer to get all the favors and never repay them. They might always have some urgent reason why they need a favor—and then, when you need help, they have an excuse for being unavailable. A master manipulator might even say things like “I owe you for this!” but never follow through on their promise.
They make you feel indebted. Sometimes, master manipulators can make themselves seem overwhelmingly generous, giving you surprise gifts or helping you out of the blue. However, after doing so, they’ll keep reminding you of the nice thing they did, making you feel like you’re obligated to give them a favor whenever they need it because you “owe” them (even though you don’t). In fact, it might feel like they’re keeping score! You might hear them say things like, “You owe me for last time!” or “Remember when I helped you with this?” Master manipulators “keep score” to ensure they have the upper hand whenever they want you to do something. They don’t do favors out of kindness; they do favors when they can use it to benefit themselves.
They ridicule your achievements. Master manipulators may find underhanded ways to belittle you, downplay your success, and make you feel worse about yourself and your abilities (without openly criticizing). They do this because they want to take away your confidence, making you easier to manipulate and control. For example, a master manipulator might imply that you only pulled off a major presentation because you’re lucky (and not because you worked hard on it). If you got a new job you were excited about, a master manipulator might try to tell you it’s no big deal and imply that you aren’t prepared for the job.
They take advantage of your fears. Master manipulators can figure out what you’re afraid of (or insecure about) and use that to manipulate you. In bringing up your fears and insecurities, a master manipulator might try to get you to be more reliant on them for validation, which in turn can make manipulation easier. For example, if you’re afraid of rejection or being alone, a master manipulator might try to bring those fears up when talking to you. Remember that there’s nothing wrong with having fears and worries, even if a manipulator tries to use them against you.
They create rifts between people. Master manipulators know how to split up groups of friends, co-workers, and family members by spreading rumors and making arguments seem more dramatic than they are. Individuals are generally easier to control than groups, which is why master manipulators go out of their way to make people turn on one another.
They never take responsibility for themselves. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes—but master manipulators often refuse to acknowledge theirs. They avoid responsibility and prefer to shift the blame instead, going out of their way to make themselves seem totally blame-free, no matter the problem. For example, if you were working with a master manipulator on a project and you both made a mistake, they might still claim that it was your mistake and they didn’t have any part in it.
They’re extremely perceptive. Master manipulators have tons of intuition and perception, which isn’t inherently a bad thing! Plenty of people are perceptive; the difference is that master manipulators use the details they observe to control and put pressure on other people—while anyone (whether or not they’re manipulative) can be perceptive. Perceptive master manipulators can spot things others might miss—like how to get under people’s skin, what makes people mad (or afraid), and how to use those things against them. In short, if a perceptive person is simply good at predicting your reactions, there’s nothing wrong with that. If a perceptive person uses those predictions to take advantage of you, they’re manipulative.
They have a history of changing environments. Even if master manipulators make themselves seem friendly and helpful, they still have a tendency to use and control people regularly—which means they rarely stay in the same social circles for a long time. If you know someone who keeps having to uproot their life, start a new job, or make new friends, it might be a sign of their manipulative tendencies. For example, they might be seemingly incapable of maintaining a long-term relationship, or their long-term relationship constantly goes through dramatic ups and downs. Master manipulators tend to leave a particular social circle once they can’t keep getting what they want from that group. Of course, moving around a lot or constantly making new friends doesn’t indicate a master manipulator for certain—but, combined with the other signs above, it can be a strong sign.
They tend to use the same strategies repeatedly. Master manipulators aren’t big on learning new tricks once they find a strategy that works for them. So, whether they tend to use gaslighting, emotional blackmail, blame, or some other form of manipulation to control people, it’s probably the same strategy they use on everyone (and the one they’ll use on you again and again).
What is a master manipulator?
Master manipulators regularly use people to get what they want. They usually create one-sided relationships with others. They also tend to care about making others happy only if it’ll help them get what they want—and normally, they want to make themselves look good or to coerce someone into doing something for them. Master manipulators are often easiest to spot by people who have encountered manipulators in the past. Narcissists are often considered master manipulators—but not everybody who manipulates others is necessarily a narcissist. Other personality disorders that may lead to manipulative tendencies include antisocial personality disorder and borderline personality disorder.
How to Protect Yourself From Manipulation
Practice self-awareness and listen actively to what they say. Awareness—both of yourself and of the master manipulator—can help you detect their manipulative behavior. Self-awareness helps you get in touch with who you are and your core values and desires, making it harder for a master manipulator to control you. Similarly, active listening can help you figure out what a master manipulator is really saying and detect the deceitful undercurrent in their words.
Set clear, firm boundaries and learn to say “no.” Psychologist Allison Broennimann emphasizes the importance of boundaries to prevent manipulation. Decide for yourself what kind of behavior you can accept and what you absolutely won’t tolerate. Then, firmly share your boundaries with others. That way, if they still try to cross your boundaries, you’ll know they’re doing it intentionally. Part of setting boundaries means saying “No” to things you don’t want to do. Remember, saying “No” doesn’t make you mean or a bad friend; it’s okay to decide that you won’t do something.
Communicate your feelings openly. Is someone worrying you, and you think they might be manipulative? Before making a snap judgment, clear the air by telling them about your concerns and explaining why you feel uneasy. There’s a chance you’re just dealing with a misunderstanding—although even if you’re not, it’s still worth attempting to communicate. Psychologist Lena Dicken also explains that it’s important to be confident when you speak to someone manipulative. Don’t doubt yourself or let them turn things around on you; believe in yourself, and your own perception.
Trust your instincts. There’s nothing wrong with trusting people and giving them the benefit of the doubt while protecting yourself from manipulation. Listen to your instincts; if something feels off, be cautious and look for more red flags to see if you’re right. Try to show good judgment when deciding who to spend time with! When judging a situation or person’s behavior, it might help to distance yourself emotionally. That doesn’t mean you feel nothing; it simply means putting aside your emotions and thinking rationally so they don’t cloud your judgment. Make sure you’ve gone over the above tactics of a master manipulator, too. The more you know about what manipulators do, the easier they are to identify.
Ask for someone else’s perspective. Do you think you’re being manipulated, but you’re still not totally sure? Get an outside perspective on the situation by talking to someone you trust, like a close friend or family member. They might be able to see the situation for what it really is by looking at it with fresh eyes (and giving you their input after). Consider talking to a therapist or counselor if you feel like you’re dealing with a master manipulator; they can teach you new ways to navigate difficult situations.
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