Desensitizing Yourself
Pinpoint your fears. Before you can learn to overcome your communication apprehension, you must figure out exactly what it is that is scary or nerve-wrecking. Construct an anxiety hierarchy to help you better understand your fears. Constructing an anxiety hierarchy starts with a list of situations where the anxiety is felt. After the list is complete, you then rank them from the lowest level of anxiety all the way to the one situation with the highest level of stress. The final list would normally contain between 10 and 20 items that begin with something that brings on so little anxiety is almost does not bother you to the one situation that gives you the most anxiety. For example, an anxiety hierarchy for talking to your boss might look like this: Saying hi to the boss in the hall Talking to the boss in her office in a neutral situation Answering a direct question from the boss when put on the spot Talking to the boss about a negative situation EXPERT TIP "Try to remember that communication comes from a desire to really listen to and understand the other person." Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCMarriage & Family Therapist
Identify small ways you can face your fear. While you may hear from some people the best thing to do is to ignore the fear, it is actually better to break down what is actually making you fearful and take small steps to work through that. If you are fearful of being in front of an audience, take a small step like making an effort to speak up at a meeting in front of a small group of other employees. Work your way up to slightly larger groups. If the fear is more related to speaking in front of strangers, a first small step could be as simple as making a call to a wrong number on purpose simply to force yourself to talk to a stranger. Build from there by starting a conversation with a stranger waiting in line at a coffee shop.
Imagine yourself in a distressing situation. If you fear speaking up in class, go through the motions of envisioning yourself doing this. Practice how you would handle the situation and prepare as much as you can on the subject so you are ready to speak up without fear of the subject. Practice and role play the situation that is intimidating. Become very familiar with whatever subject you are talking about so it becomes easier and almost second nature to talk about the subject. This will help with your fear of forgetting the topic. Making sure you feel confident in the subject will also allow you to focus on the topic instead of the audience. You do not want to totally ignore the audience since you need to be aware of their reactions, but focusing on your mastery of the topic will take some of the focus off the audience.
Use relaxation techniques as needed. This would include a combination of deep breathing, visual imagery and other methods discussed in this article. As you are imagining your fears, you are likely to experience anxiety. Use the techniques you have learned to return to a state of calm. Over time, the anxiety-provoking situation won't affect you as much.
Do a trial run by attempting one of your fears. Avoid waiting to speak in front of a group until it is critical to your job or school life. Give yourself time to succeed and testing grounds to make mistakes without the worry of messing up the “big speech”. Learn to work with your fear instead of trying to hide it. When you try to hide the fear you may find yourself overcome by internal negative self speak that is almost always far worse than what the audience is actually thinking. You do not need to like public speaking to be good at it and to do it successfully.
Restructuring Your Fears
Know that you are not alone. It is estimated that up to 74% of Americans have some level of speaking anxiety. While that large of a number experiences the fear in differing levels, many of them report that they are more fearful of public speaking than death. CA may start early in life as it is very prevalent in elementary school-aged children. Communication apprehension may come about as a result of genetics, as a personality trait, or even only in certain circumstances.
Ask yourself what's the worst that could happen. You may be making a bigger problem out of the “worst case” than it really is. Consider what's the very worse that you expect to happen. If you have been exaggerating the power of your fear, you may start to notice that the potential repercussions that you have been worried about aren't all that bad. Regardless of how one interaction goes, for the most part it is not going to make or break anything major. You will probably not lose your job nor will one error ruin your life or health. If you fear speaking in front of strangers, in all reality there is a good chance they will not remember what happens for very long. You may also never see your audience again.
Envision success, not failure. Redefine what success means to you and acknowledge that using your voice, even with a bump or two in the road, is a win over the fear. Remember that the majority of the people listening to you at any given time also report some level of speaking anxiety. You taking the step to make the speech or communicate with others in any way is brave.
Challenge your negative thoughts. There is a good chance what you are thinking is far worse than what the audience is thinking. Self-talk like “I'm an idiot” or “I'm going to make a fool of myself” will only make matters worse. Strive to attack these negative thoughts and think thoughts that are realistic and positive. You can challenge your negative thinking with questions like: What would a friend say about my thoughts? What evidence do I have that this is true? What evidence do I have that this is not true? How many times has this terrible thing actually happened? Is my thinking based on how I feel rather than on facts?
Relaxing Your Nerves
Breathe deeply when you feel anxious. When you have anxiety you may breathe too shallow, focus too much on your breathing or attempt to take on too big of breathes to get oxygen you feel that is missing. If you are feeling like you are going to hyperventilate, try Co2 Rebreathing. While you may think you are having troubles getting enough oxygen, in reality hyperventilating occurs when your Co2 level is low. Cup your hand over your mouth as you breathe normally. Re-breathe the same air in the hand to return the Co2 back into the body. Deep breathing can be good to self-calm. The easiest exercise starts simply by sitting in a chair with arm rests so you can sit up straight with arms to your side. Take a deep breath in through your nose to the count of 5. Then, slowly over a count of 7 release through your mouth. Repeat for 10 total sets of in and out breathes.
Learn progressive muscle relaxation. This exercise is quite simple. You basically sit comfortably in a chair or on a couch, and gradually contract and relax each muscle group in your body. Begin at your toes. Tense your muscles and hold for several seconds, noticing what the tension feels like. Then, relax your toes and take in that feeling of released tension. Next, move up to another set of muscles. You may prefer to find a more formal exercise to follow. Or, you can do the exercise with music.
Try out guided imagery. You can do self-guided imagery by recording yourself reading a sample scenario or you may find a recording that works for you for the exercise. One example of a self-guide imagery you can record to listen to would be focusing on describing your own special place with all of your senses. You would describe this special place in enough detail that just listening to the recording will trigger a visual image. Describe the sensations you feel around this special place and why it makes you feel good. If coming up with your own script is not easy for you to do, you can download a script to record.
Recite a calming mantra. This process would first include choosing a simple yet meaningful mantra and then following relaxing techniques as you focus and recite this mantra. Once you have a mantra that seems like a good fit, find an object you can focus on while reciting the mantra. Do the exercise in a safe space without distractions where you are free to focus on your posture, being tall and strong. You will also focus on deep, relaxed breathing as you repeat your mantra.
See a specialist. Someone with experience treating communication apprehension and other forms of social anxiety can help you overcome your fears. Keep in mind that this should not be a last-ditch effort. You may want to see a therapist or counselor to discuss your anxiety, but also work on many of the self-help strategies listed in this article. A specialist can help diagnose the level of anxiety you experience during communication with special tests. Be sure that you are straightforward with your provider so that he or she can adequately assess your problem.
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