Creating a Supportive Social Circle
Place your trust in friends. After you’ve been hurt by those close to you it is important to recognize that other people out there do have positive, good traits. Take a moment and think about times that people have been there for you. Maybe write these down and revisit them to start to restore trust in people. Then, look for friends who share your common interests and who will support you in achieving your life goals. It is okay to tell your friends, after you get to know them a bit, that you are wary about trusting people. And, if your friends or significant other ask to meet your relatives you might just say, “I’m not sure if that is a good idea and when we have more time I will tell you why.” If you live at home with family, make plans to meet your friends elsewhere. This will keep some distance between the two groups as well. Or, you can always just chat with your friends online and blow off some steam that way too.
Plan nights out on the town. Go have fun doing new activities as a group. These experiences will bond you all together and will give you more things to talk about in your down time. If your friends are busy, feel free to go out to dinner or a movie yourself. Enjoying one’s own company is important as well. If you came from a large family and are used to being surrounded by people it may be a good idea to force yourself to do some activities solo. This will build your confidence and demonstrate that you can handle almost anything on your own. Plan some one-on-one or small-group activities as well, such as meeting a friend for coffee or going for a walk together. These activities are quieter and more focused on conversation. This can help build and strengthen relationships by promoting sharing and helping you assess if this is someone you can trust.
Accept invitations. If a friend asks you to do an activity or take a class with them, just say yes. Showing that you are available for the good times will make them more likely to confide in you when situations are difficult as well. Also, saying yes will help you stay on their radar as someone to call when they want to hang out or do something fun. Reinforce them reaching out to you by saying yes. If you can't make it, be sure to reschedule the activity (or another activity) in the same conversation to let them know you mean it. And, this means that you may be able to rely on them as a confidante and emotional resource as well. Be sure to reciprocate. If you are invited out, try to find some way that you can issue an invitation to that person as well. Maybe invite them to try out a new restaurant with you. Or, perhaps go on a shopping adventure together. Staying busy will keep your mind off of your family situation.
Join hobby-focused clubs. If you live with your family and are in school, participating in clubs will give you an excuse to spend some positive time away from home. And, once you are out of school, it is up to you to find ways to socialize and expand your social circle beyond your family. Look online for groups of people in your area who get together to pursue common interests or hobbies. For example, if you love horses, consider joining a riding group at a local stable. Or, contact your local recreation center to ask about adult intramural sports teams. These types of activities can occupy those evening and weekend hours outside of work. You can also join a local church group for extra support. This has the added benefit of providing a safe space for personal contemplation as well.
Take classes to learn something new. It has long been known that performing a new task keeps your brain lively and engaged. However, it also benefits your emotional well-being by boosting your confidence and problem-solving abilities. Look online for various adult or senior classes being offered in your area. Or, if you are a young adult, consider taking rec classes specifically offered for teens or youths. Enrolling in an athletic class, such as yoga, also has the added benefit of helping your body to stay fit and active. Asking for help from more experienced class members is yet another way to expand your social circle beyond family. If you don’t think your family will support your new adventures, don’t tell them. You are quite vulnerable when trying something new and you need to hear positive, uplifting comments. If you are young and currently live with your family, you may need to get a part-time job to cover the cost of some of these extra social experiences. This can actually be a good thing. A job can help to give you some space and time away from your family, and you can make friends with your coworkers!
Volunteer your time within your community. This will help you to see that everyone, at one time or another, faces difficult circumstances. You may also find a new passion while volunteering, such as cooking or painting. For volunteer opportunities in your area search online and then contact the agencies directly for additional information. Be aware that volunteering with certain groups, such as persons affected by family violence, may hit too close to home for you at this point. Instead, look for a volunteering activity that will uplift your mood while also allowing you to help.
Breaking Away from the Cycle of Negativity
Put some distance between you and your relatives. If you live with your family, try to avoid common areas, such as the living room. If you live away, try to visit your family less often. Space out your phone calls or text responses more and more. Create physical distance from your family by no longer visiting or inviting them over. You only have so much energy to give and compartmentalizing the negative people in your life provides you with more energy to spend on the positive ones. If your relatives question your increasing distance, you might say, “I’ve just been really busy lately,” and leave it at that. Keep in mind that when people are used to getting a certain response from you, and suddenly they don't, it is typical for them to try harder before they give up. Be prepared for some push back when you try to distance yourself.
Remember to say “No.” Part of establishing boundaries is learning what you are, and aren’t, willing to do for certain people. If you must maintain a relationship with someone, you might consider setting up plans yourself. That way they occur on your terms, where you're comfortable, and last only for small lengths of time. If your family members ask you to do something that is harmful to well-being in any way, just say, “No.” Don’t feel the need to provide an explanation as your time is your own to spend. Of course, if you live with your parents, you are more subject to their rules and requests. So, choose carefully when saying “no” and your response will (hopefully) be taken seriously.
Take classes in parenting. If you are worried about what kind of family life you might create as a parent, lessen your fears and educate yourself by enrolling in a childcare or parenting class. The instructors will show you that a negative family cycle does not have to repeat itself. And, they will give you the tools to understand what parental actions are beneficial and which are harmful. You can find a parenting class by contacting your local hospital. They will, most likely, offer classes on a variety of parental topics. And, many of these classes are often free-of-charge for soon-to-be parents.
Visit a counselor. If you are in school, you can go to the school counselor and it is usually free-of-charge. Sometimes it is just helpful to have an unbiased person listen to your concerns. Or, if you are concerned about modeling your relationship on that of your parents, you may want to investigate relationship counseling. You can meet with a counselor as little or as often as you like. You can attend solo or with your partner. Discussing your family history with a counselor will show you that it is not your fault that you have a negative or problematic relatives. You are only responsible for your choices and actions. There are also lots of great books on this subject that can help you learn how to set and maintain boundaries and have healthier relationships. You can also join a support group.
Caring for Your Emotional Well-Being
Stay busy around the holidays. Special events and dates, such as anniversaries and holidays, can be very difficult and emotional if you are separated from your family either by distance or emotion. To keep yourself in a positive state of mind during these times it may be helpful to take on extra hours at work. Or, maintain a full schedule of social activities. Being busy will remind you that you are a productive person with a good life. If your coworkers or friends learn that you will be alone over the holidays, they might invite you to spend the time with their family. Carefully consider your emotions before you accept this offer as it may trigger negative feelings for you, such as jealousy. If you live with your family, you might arrange to spend part of the holiday at a friend’s house enjoying their celebration. Make these plans well in advance and, if getting to your friend requires a bit of travelling and you can afford to do that, even better.
Recognize that some days will be tough. Whenever you are dealing with personal conflicts certain days will be better than others. Try to assess your state-of-mind on a weekly, not daily, basis. Don’t beat yourself up if you feel down one day. Honor your sadness that day by journaling about it, allowing yourself to cry, or talking to a trusted friend. This is a part of the healing process. Then, try to find a way to make the next day extra special. Go to your favorite restaurant, for example. It may also be helpful to tell your friends if/when you have a bad day. They may spring into action to lift you out of your funk and provide a positive distraction. Make sure to return this favor when you have the opportunity to do so. If you are in school, keep a close eye on your participation grades (and grades in general) during bad periods with your family. If you have a tendency to focus on yourself and get quieter, make a point to speak up and get those points.
Pay attention to healthy ways of interacting. If you’ve been surrounded by dysfunction and negativity for your entire life, you may need to take a bit of time to observe and understand positive and supportive ways of treating people. Pick up some reading material on healthy interpersonal relationships. Be patient with yourself and expect to make a few errors on your way. For example, you may want to figure out when it is appropriate to say, “thank you,” for something and how to best express that sentiment. Do you write out a full card or simply send a brief test message? You will need to experiment to find out what is comfortable for you.
Identify positive role models. If you are a young adult, look around you to find other people who you can respect and follow. They can be someone who you already spend a lot of time around, such as a teacher. Or, they can be a person who you do not know personally, such as a professional athlete. Try to learn more about your role model, including why they make particular decisions. For example, if your favorite football player is always volunteering you may want to follow that model.
Repeat positive mantras on a daily basis. When you first wake up each morning, whisper a simple, positive phrase to yourself. You might say, "Today is going to be a good day.” Or, “You will do great today!” Just keep it memorable and mix it up when the phrase loses its punch or effectiveness. You can also take a moment and visualize your day going really well. At the end of the day, you are your own best cheerleader. Figure out a way to keep yourself on the positive track, whether it be through repeating mantras or practicing deep breathing. Journaling positive affirmations and reviewing these can be helpful, as well as keeping positive phrases posted in a place you see often, such as on your mirror or computer monitor.
Focus on the future. You can’t control the past, but you can shape your future. Sit down and make a list of immediate and distant goals for your personal and professional life. Post this list somewhere visible, like on the wall in your room, and celebrate each time that a line is marked off. A personal goal might be to hit the gym at least three times a week. Or, perhaps you want to watch one movie each week and revel in your downtime. Break your goals down into steps that are small and achievable so that they are more likely to happen. This will reinforce your progress and keep you motivated.
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