- “Right person, wrong time” refers to a strong romantic connection with someone that may have to be put on hold due to distance, stress, or other life changes.
- If one or both of you feels like your life is too unstable right now or isn’t willing to compromise your goals, you may have found the right person at the wrong time.
- If this person feels worth it, try to make the relationship work. But remember to reframe from a place of abundance; this is a right person, not the only right person.
What is “right person, wrong time?”
“Right person, wrong time” is when you like someone, but external factors complicate things. You have a lot in common with this person, there’s plenty of chemistry, and you could see yourself ending up with them eventually. However, one or both of you is unable to commit due to extenuating circumstances. The connection is there, but the logistics of life are getting in the way. "Right person, wrong time" often occurs when you fall in love during a highly transitional phase of your life. Maybe you’re about to move away for work or school, or maybe a recent trauma has happened and you still need time to heal. Or, it could be that one of you needs time to grow or at the moment, your values aren't aligned. For whatever reason, you and this amazing person just aren't synced up.
It’s debated whether “right person, wrong time” is a myth. Some experts affirm that this is a very real phenomenon, because timing plays a huge role in healthy relationships. Moving, job changes, and family stress can all lead to dysfunction, so it’s valid for people to protect their love lives from being negatively influenced by these shifts. However, others believe true love is timeless. If two people are truly compatible, they’ll find ways to make it work, despite hardships, because “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” If you’re unsure whether or not you should try to make it work, make a pro-con list. On one side, write the reasons you think a relationship is worth pursuing despite logistical hardships. On the other, write down what needs you feel wouldn’t be met. Remember that you deserve to have a partner who meets all of your needs. When you're reflecting on things, remember that though it's sometimes worthwhile to sacrifice things for love temporarily, you shouldn't accept less than you're worth. Journal and talk to friends to get their perspective. Then, make your decision accordingly.
Signs It’s Not the Right Time Yet
Major changes are happening in your life right now. Both partners need to feel stable to create a stable relationship. If you feel like your life is unsteady or constantly changing, you might not be able to commit to the responsibilities of a relationship. Maybe you’ve been offered a new job. Maybe you just went through a break-up and you need some time to be alone. Regardless, you need to secure your own peace of mind before you can focus on someone else. Sometimes, to protect ourselves from feeling overwhelmed by big life changes, we shut down all of our emotions, including joyous ones like love and hope, as a defense mechanism. This defense method can cause us to push people away and rationalize that the timing is wrong, when the real issue is our own willingness to accept our feelings. There are ways you can improve your emotional stability, even when life feels crazy). Setting healthy boundaries, owning your emotions, or simply taking a few deep breaths can all make you feel calmer and more secure.
One of you isn’t willing to change your goals or expectations. A key aspect of all healthy relationships is compromise. You’re gonna have to make some sacrifices every now and then to grow as a couple. If one of you isn’t willing to modify your life plan a little (moving to be closer to family, deferring school for a year, etc), that’s a sign it may not be time for your relationship to really get going yet. If you’re unsure what you’re willing to compromise, it can help to make a list of your goals and separate them into categories. Make the first category things you refuse to budge on and make each new category slightly more lenient than the last. If either of you try to compromise something from the “no budging” category, it could be the wrong time. Setting realistic expectations is another important aspect of compromise. Be clear up-front about you want from each other and show your gratitude often.
You live too far apart to focus on the relationship. Long distance can have a negative effect on romantic connections. This doesn’t mean making it work is impossible. Just seriously consider if you’re willing to deal with the additional challenges (loneliness, lack of physical intimacy, scheduling) or if you’d rather wait until you two live closer together. Timing can also play a huge factor in long-distance. One of you flying home to be with family for the summer is a much shorter (and less difficult) timespan than moving to a 4-year college in another state. The best ways to make a long-distance relationship work revolve around quality time and trust. Find things to do together while on the phone or FaceTime (watching a Netflix show, cooking) and visit as often as possible.
One of you is emotionally unavailable. For a relationship to go the distance, both partners have to be all in mentally and emotionally. If one of you has trouble committing to plans, sends mixed messages, is bad with communication, or pulls away when discussing the future, it’s a sign you need to focus on your own emotional maturity before worrying about your partner’s. Being emotionally guarded is nothing to be ashamed of! The best ways to become more available are seeking out new experiences that expand your comfort zone, surrounding yourself with people who make you feel safe, and establishing boundaries to emotionally replenish.
One of you isn’t putting in as much effort. Reciprocity is key to making a relationship work. If one of you is less likely to text first, set up dates, introduce the other to friends, or show intimacy (be it physical like hugging and kissing, or mental like complimenting and initiating conversation), that’s a sign you two aren’t committed equally and need more time to re-assess. The relationship doesn’t have to be 50/50 across the board. If one partner is bad at texting or less social, it’s normal for them to initiate those types of activities less. Just be aware of how much you and each give and take emotionally.
You just don’t feel right yet. At the end of the day, a lot of relationships are based on gut feelings. Your gut can be a valuable tool, so if you don’t have a history of relationship anxiety, trust your intuition that it’s picking up on something important. Plus, if you don’t feel right in a relationship, that could make it difficult to be happy in it, no matter how much you like them. The 2 best ways to work through this gut feeling are time and space. Politely ask for some distance to figure out what isn’t working. Maybe it’s them. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s something entirely unrelated. Figure it out on your own time. There’s no rush.
"Wrong Time" vs. Incompatibility
You don’t have a lot in common. If you and this person can't see eye-to-eye on anything past the initial attraction, that's unfortunately not a symptom of “right person, wrong time.” Odds are you just aren’t compatible. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you, but you both deserve to be with someone who shares at least some of your ideas, goals, and passions. For example, if you both have completely different views on economics, debating Reagan might be exciting at first. However, that disagreement will eventually trickle down and there will likely be no “right time” for your financial future as a couple.
You can’t get fully comfortable together. Yes, relationships require hard work, but being in the right person’s presence feels easy. If you don’t feel like you can be your true self around someone (you can’t share secrets or wear unflattering clothes, you’re constantly nervous about what to talk about), something about you doesn’t trust them and timing likely isn’t the cause of this rift. All couples go through periods of awkwardness and/or discomfort, but if, more times than not, you feel tense and nervous, you two may just not be suited for each other and that’s okay! There's someone out there for both of you that will feel like home.
You can’t communicate effectively. Communication is arguably the biggest make-or-break factor of a healthy relationship. If you two are constantly fighting or it feels like, no matter what you say, they never understand you, this is a sign of dysfunction rather than poor timing. Luckily, communicating healthily can also save a relationship. Next time you two talk about something important, begin with an “I feel” statement. Then, when you’re each done talking, try clarifying what the other is saying. For example, you might say “I feel frustrated because…” or “I feel disappointed when…” Then, you might respond to them with “It sounds like you’re nervous because you don’t want to disappoint me” or “You’re feeling helpless, because you don’t know how to get through to me.”
How to Handle “Right Person, Wrong Time” Relationships
Talk to each other about when you think the relationship could work. If you see a specific time in the foreseeable future where a relationship could easily happen, that’s a sign this is worth pursuing and this may just require a temporary hold or some logistical adjustments. However, if one or both of you see that time as vague and unfocused, there may be more issues than just distance or timing. To help you determine if this relationship is special (or if something else is at play), consider your relationship history. In the past, have you had trouble committing to people you like, or do you usually find an issue? If not, odds are this really is just a timing issue. However, if it seems like you always pull away early in relationships, you might be looking for problems that aren't there.
Discuss if any compromises are possible right now. Don’t give up hope just yet. Talk to each other about your wants and needs. See if all or most of them are able to be met. Open communication saves relationships, and having an open conversation allows you to clarify potential problems. You may discover these logistical issues were exaggerated and, with a little extra effort, your relationship can fully blossom. For example, if you met someone while traveling, you may learn that person is totally open to long-distance and visiting often. If you fell for a co-worker but your company has a clause against this, you may realize this job isn’t worth this restriction.
Reflect and accept if it’s not meant to be yet. If it really is the wrong time, make peace with the fact that it’s not meant to be right now. Recognize that there’s too many external factors working against you, because you deserve a relationship that can blossom to its fullest potential. Allow yourself to feel pain, disappointment, or even heartbreak. These are all healthy emotions and this too shall pass. Talk to a friend or loved one about how you’re feeling. Commiserating with someone else can help make sadness more manageable (especially if it’s over double-fudge ice cream). Try making a list of reasons why it wouldn’t work out. Don’t be afraid to list negative traits in the other person (emotional guardedness, aloofness). While you still may see them as a future match, being honest will provide more perspective on what you want out of a partner.
Reframe from a place of abundance. Rather than thinking of them as the right person at the wrong time, think of them as a right person at the wrong time. Remind yourself that, if you’re compatible with this person, you’re probably compatible with lots of others. With almost 8 billion people in the world, there’s a likely chance at least a few attractive, kind, datable people are nearby. It can help to download a dating app to demonstrate how many people you can match with. Worst case: you talk to nobody, but see there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Best case: you meet someone else who’s great.
Reflect on your attachment style. Identifying your attachment style can inform a lot about your relationships and how you handle intimacy. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you’re super empathetic, but may struggle with codependency. Therefore, you may want to reflect on how truly “right” this person is/was. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you’re independent but tend to pull away from affection. It might be worth re-evaluating if this really was the “wrong time” or you used that as an excuse to protect yourself.
Leave the door open. People change, and life is long. Save some emotional space for a potential future with this person, but don’t let that possibility control your future decisions. If you decide to end things because of distance, keep in touch. If one of you still has some emotional maturing to do or codependency to work through, try to remain friends. You never know where things might lead later down the line.
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