What is dating with intention?
Intentionally dating means dating in line with your values. When you're dating intentionally, you have an idea of the type of relationship you want and immediately disregard anyone who is incapable of meeting your needs—even if you find them intriguing or like the way they look. What dating with intention tends to look like is that you go on fewer dates overall, but the people you see are people you're much more likely to connect with. Instead of casting a wide net and giving anyone a chance, you're more selective based on the type of relationship you want and the type of person you want to share your life with. Overall, dating with intention is considered more efficient because you aren't wasting your time on people who aren't legitimate candidates. For example, if it's important to you to be in a monogamous relationship, you would immediately eliminate anyone who wanted an ethically non-monogamous relationship or who only wanted to date casually without a commitment.
How to Date with Intention
Determine your goal for dating. You might be wanting to date casually and meet some new people, find a life partner, or anything in between. The type of relationship you're looking for doesn't matter—the important thing is that you know what you need in a relationship and what kind of relationship would fulfill those needs. Knowing the type of relationship you're looking for will also give you an idea of the type of person you're looking for. Stay away from physical attributes—focus instead on how you want to feel when you're with this person. For example, you might want an exclusive relationship where you feel safe, protected, and cared for. You might even list some specific ways in which you feel that way. Keep in mind that the attraction is the easy part—you're looking for someone who will actually fulfill your needs.
Narrow your dating field. If you're dating intentionally, there's no point in swiping right on every person on every dating app within a 10-mile radius of you because most of them aren't going to fit the bill. Keep your search criteria in mind and go to where those people are. If you do meet someone on a dating app, Gottesman recommends "that you talk on the phone… before you meet in person." "Now, of course, having a great conversation doesn't guarantee that you're gonna have chemistry in person," Gottesman continues. "But if you have a bad conversation, or you're just really, really bored in the first five minutes, there's no reason to waste your time meeting this person."
Be upfront about your intentions with potential dates. When you tell potential dates what you're looking for, you show that you have respect for their time and resources. Especially as adults, you're likely both facing limited time to date and get to know each other. There's no point in wasting each other's time if you're looking for different things. For example, if you're looking for a potential life partner and a dating app match tells you that they're only interested in casual dating and not looking to settle down any time soon, you're probably better off not even meeting them.
Go on dates where you have a chance to talk. Gottesman mentions that "parks are great because they're pretty, you feel good in them, you're outdoors, you're public. It's a nice activity to do together for a first date. And it allows you to walk and talk or to sit and talk. The point is, you can talk and focus on each other." "I do not recommend doing anything like a concert or a movie or something where you can't speak", Gottesman continues.
Create opportunities for emotional intimacy. If you just wait around for emotionally intimate moments to happen, you're not acting intentionally. Instead, actively form a bond with the person you're interested in by opening up to them and asking them questions that encourage them to open up as well. Mathews recommends "sharing things that will give the other person a little bit of an in-depth look into who you are." "Sharing those little glimpses into your psyche," she continues, "is so much more interesting than, 'hey, how's your day?'" If you're having a hard time keeping the conversational ball rolling, Mathews advises that "all you have to do is just say, 'hey, random, quick question,' or 'hey, random thought.' And when you [use] the word random, you pretty much have permission to bring up… whatever you want to talk about." Gottesman adds that "if you can manage to laugh together about something, that's always a good way to connect with somebody using laughter."
Be your authentic self. If you really like someone, it can be tempting to fudge the truth a little because you want them to like them back. Maybe you tell them that you love Indian food, for example, when you've never even tried it before. But it's always best to take the risk of being completely honest so you can connect with someone who values who you truly are as a person. This kind of thing is often more tempting when you're just getting to know someone—but that's also when it can be the most damaging because you're not giving the person a chance to get to know who you really are.
Trust your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, don't stick around. If you notice red flags, accept them for what they are and move on. The same goes for the positive feelings as well—when your gut tells you something's great and the person makes you feel good about yourself, keep moving forward. For example, things might be going great until the third date, when your date has twice as many drinks as you do and keeps pressuring you to get sexual. If you feel uncomfortable, thank them for their time and be on your way. You don't have to make a big deal out of this or accuse the person of anything. Simply tell them that you've had second thoughts or you just aren't feeling it anymore and wish them luck.
Make deliberate decisions to progress a relationship. Timing is of the essence here, as Gottesman explains: "If too much time goes by between the phone call and the first date, or the first date and the second date… then the second or third date never happens." "If you are genuinely interested," Gottesman continues, "make the first date within that week, and… the second date as soon as possible after that." Gottesman stresses that "it's important for one, if not both people, at the end of the date to say, 'this was really nice. I'd love to do it again. I'd love to see you again' and see how the other person responds." She adds that "if you are interested, I think you definitely should call… because that's a better way to connect," when planning your next date.
Cut things off as soon as you see a misalignment. Every time you spend time with or talk to someone you're dating, be on the lookout for things that could spell trouble down the road. Gottesman emphasizes doing this out of respect for "the other person's time and actually just fairness to them. You don't really want to mislead them into thinking you're interested or open to them if you're really not." For example, if someone tells you on the third date that they aren't interested in ever having children and you have your heart set on having at least three, this is a misalignment of values and it's time to cut things off. This doesn't mean that you can't still be friends with the person—it just tells you that they aren't aligned with what you're looking for. Gottesman advises you can "just say 'I'm sorry, I thought about it. And I just don't think we're a match.'" You don't have to go into detail. The point is that you don't want to sacrifice any of your needs or core values to be with anyone. The "nice to haves" on your list? There's room for fudging, but always keep your own best interests at heart.
Benefits of Dating with Intention
Heightened self-awareness You've reflected on it and you know what you're looking for in a relationship. You know what your physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual needs are in a relationship and what sort of person is best suited to fulfill them. That kind of self-awareness allows you to truly be your authentic self. Because you're honest and up-front with all of your dates, you also pass that awareness onto them. That kind of transparency helps both of you feel more secure.
Peace of mind When you're dating with intention, you don't have to go through a million nerve-wracking bad dates that sap your energy and eat away at your time. When you have a strong vetting process, you're lowering your risk every time you go out and making it easier to have fun and be yourself.
Stronger sense of mutual respect When you date intentionally, you're telling the people that you're dating that you're with them because you're interested in who they are as a person. You want to get to know them and believe that the two of you are interested in the same things romantically. Because you're dating intentionally, people don't have to worry that you're leading them on or playing games. And if they see that you're being upfront, they'll be more likely to be upfront too instead of trying to play you.
More efficient dating process Going out with a different person every night of the week just because they swiped right on a dating app is hardly the best way to find a partner. Assuming you spent 2 hours on each date, that's 14 hours a week—that's a part-time job! But by dating intentionally, you save your time and only date people with whom you share core values and life goals. Focusing on one person at a time also allows you to get to know them more quickly than you would if you were trying to juggle them along with several others. Since you're focused on getting to know each other, you might be able to tell if something is going to work out within a week—as opposed to spending months dating someone casually before you actually have a serious conversation.
More satisfying and fulfilling relationships Because you've gone to the effort to find someone who shares your core values and life goals, you don't have to worry about those things. The other parts of the relationship will fall into place a lot easier because the two of you have such a solid foundation. Sharing core values means that you have a similar outlook on life, so when things come up in the future you're more likely to see eye to eye. This doesn't mean that you'll never disagree, but you strong foundation will make it easier for the two of you to find common ground.
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