Helping Her Relax
Breathe deeply with her. When you see her struggling to calm down on her own, lead her into a deep breathing exercise that promotes the natural relaxation response. To practice deep breathing: Find a quiet, comfortable place in which the two of you can sit without distractions. Either sit up straight with a cushion or use a chair for support. Relax your shoulders and rest your hands on your thighs. Both of you should place one hand on your chest and one on your abdomen. Breathe in deeply through your nose for 4 to 8 counts. The hand on your abdomen should expand with your belly. Hold the breath briefly, for 1 to 2 counts. Then, release the air out through your mouth, watching your hand fall with your belly, for the same number of counts as the inhale. The hand on your chest should move very little. Repeat the inhale-exhale process for 5 to 10 min, or until she becomes more relaxed.
Do progressive muscle relaxation. Another technique you can try to get her to loosen up and relax is progressive muscle relaxation. This exercise helps you to notice where you are holding tension in your body and know what relaxation feels like in these tense areas. Grab comfortable seats in chairs or on the sofa. Start with a few minutes of deep breathing to stimulate calm. Start at your feet and move up. Notice how your feet feel. Take several seconds to become aware of this feeling. Then, gradually contract the muscles in your feet until they are extremely tense. Hold for 10 counts. Release the tension, taking note of how it simply melts away. Stay in this state for about 10 counts, continuing to breathe deeply. Move slowly up through the body contracting and releasing each muscle group.
Get some exercise. The intensity of working out may not immediately come to mind when thinking of way to help calm someone down, but physical activity is a terrific way to relieve stress and promote a positive mood. Exercise generates those feel-good chemicals in the brain called endorphins that tend to make you feel more energetic and brighter about life. If you see her having a tough day, steer her towards a group fitness class like Zumba to get moving and form social connections. Other ideas include running, walking, yoga, playing basketball, swimming, and hiking.
Do a guided imagery exercise together. Guided imagery or visualization is another approach that promotes the body's natural relaxation response. This practice can be carried out by listening to an audiotape or following along to a YouTube video. Here's how it works: Find a quiet, serene place to listen to a guided visualization exercise or choose to use your own minds. The idea is start by deep breathing. Then, begin visualizing a place that makes each of you feel safe or happy, such as grandma's house, the local water hole, or an exotic beach. Use at least three of your senses to envision this place. Don't just stop at how it looks in your mind. Also, bring to mind how it smells (e.g. freshly baked cookies or coconut) or tastes (e.g. chocolate chips or salty air). Move deeper and deeper into a state of relaxation as you take in the sensations and surroundings of your special place.
Listen to soothing music. Research shows that classical music is especially effective at producing a calming state of mind. However, it really depends on her, maybe she just wants to forget her problems temporarily and shake her hips to a tribal drum beat. Or, she may want to commiserate by listening to songs that describe her feelings. As long as it's relaxing to her, it doesn't matter what type of music it is.
Being a Source of Support
Avoid saying "calm down". When she's upset and shouting at the top of her lungs, the last thing you want to say is "calm down". Although calming her down may, indeed, be your focus, those two words actually have the power to rile her up even more. In addition, saying this can make her think you are minimizing or dismissing her feelings. Instead, try something like this: "I can see you're upset/frustrated/anxious...what can I do?" or "I can't make out what you're saying. Let's take a few deep breaths and start over".
Offer help. If you see her all hung up over something that's getting her down, ask what you can do to take the burden away, even temporarily. Maybe she would like you to help her with a project at school or a chore around the house. She may even just like to go to lunch or take a walk to the park with you.
Make her smile. One way to take her mind off what's stressing her is to change her perspective. Do something to make her smile. Tell her a joke or watch a funny video or movie together. Splurge and buy her that new book/pair of earrings she's been wanting.
Offer physical touch. Human touch has amazing calming properties. Since touch is one of our earliest and most basic forms of communication, mostly everyone responds to it. Physical touch in the form of hugs, a caress, a pat on the back, or hand-holding can offer comfort that perhaps words cannot. Physical touch has been shown to lower stress, improve health outcomes, and lift mood. Ask her if it's okay, then give her a hug, rub her back or shoulders, or hold her hand. This seemingly small physical connection with you might be just what she needs to calm down.
Talking About It
Wait until she is ready. When we see those we care about in trouble or pain, we instantly want to fix the situation. Overcome the urge to "fix" her problem or rush her into talking about it. The best case scenario is to just be there. When she's ready to talk, she will.
Listen actively. The best listeners don't listen to reply, they listen to understand. Active listening is the process of focusing your attention on her message and responding so that you can achieve mutual understanding. Active listening involves four key principles: Seek to understand before being understood. You must collect information about what she is saying before you can adequately provide a response to her. Be non-judgmental. Refrain from expressing any judgment about her circumstances. Demonstrate unconditional positive regard and emotional intelligence. You can be with, talk to and provide support without necessarily agreeing with everything she says. Provide undivided attention. Make eye contact within a ratio that feels comfortable to you, typically about 70% of the time you're listening (about 50% when you're speaking). Turn off your phone. Turn to face her with your arms and legs uncrossed. Make appropriate use of silence. Sit quietly no matter how much you would like to interrupt. She may have an important revelation that never comes out because of an untimely interruption. Offer feedback by nodding, smiling, or saying short remarks such as "Umm hmm" or "Go on" to let her know you're listening.
Validate her feelings. More than likely, if she is overwhelmed by stress or emotion, she may just want to feel heard and accepted. When loved ones are upset it can be terribly easy to overlook their core feelings in an effort to resolve the situation. When she calms down a bit, ask her to describe her feelings to you without minimizing her circumstances or offering unsolicited advice. Helpful validating statements may sound like: "Aww, that sounds terrible." "I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time." "I can see why you're upset. That doesn't sound fair."
Help her problem-solve. Only after actively listening to and validating her feelings may you move into the resolution stage. And, still, you should only try to help her with the situation if she expressly asks for your help. Otherwise, your job is done. If she asks for advice or help solving an issue, work together. Clearly define the problem. Then, ask her ideally what she would like the end result to be. Once you've identified her goals, then outline a list of possible solutions that can meet them. Go over each solution aloud and consider the pros and cons of each. Allow her to make the final decision. Remember, you are there to be a source of support, not to take over her life. If her problem is too big for you to help with alone, offer to go with her to talk to her parents, another adult, the school counselor, or a professional counselor.
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