Starting the Conversation
Choose a time and place where you can meet privately. Tell your spouse ahead of time that you want to talk. Make sure this is a time when neither of you has anything to do. Meet in a quiet space where you will not be interrupted by children, television, or phone calls. You might say something like, “I think we need to talk. Can we take an hour tonight to discuss something important?” If there are safety concerns, have this conversation in a public place or consider doing it over email. If safety isn't an issue, however, it's important to have this conversation in person. Reader Poll: We asked 146 wikiHow readers and only 8% thought that writing a letter or email is the best way to tell your spouse that you’re leaving them. [Take Poll]
Express your feelings or dissatisfaction with the marriage. Starting the conversation with "I want a divorce" may shock and upset your spouse, leading to an unproductive conversation. Instead, begin by explaining why you are unhappy or dissatisfied with the marriage. Tell your spouse upfront that you want to talk about your marriage. You might say, “We need to talk about the state of our marriage.” Express your emotions honestly without blaming or insulting your spouse. For example, instead of saying, "I'm so sick of you disrespecting me," say something like, "I haven't been happy for a long time" or "I'm starting to feel resentful about our marriage." This conversation should build on previous ones you’ve had about your relationship rather than being the first time talking about it.
State that you would like a divorce. Be tactful but direct. Tell your spouse your decision is certain in concise terms. Avoid any room open for uncertainty, especially if you are positive that you want the divorce. You might say, “I don’t think our marriage is working out. I think it is best if we get a divorce.” If you’re unsure about the decision to divorce, consider asking for a trial separation instead. You might say, “I think that I need some time and space to think about our marriage. I don’t want to get divorced, but I think we should separate for now.”
Listen to what your spouse has to say. Certainly, your spouse will have many opinions on this subject, so listen actively to what they have to say. Don’t interrupt or try to defend yourself. Simply let them talk. Be prepared for a wide range of reactions. Perhaps your spouse has been anticipating this or maybe they’ve been taken by surprise. No matter what happens, try to remain calm. Repeat back what your spouse says to indicate that you're listening to them. For example, you might say, "I understand that you're frustrated with how things have been for a while." When they've finished talking, repeat your desire to get a divorce. For example, you might say, "I know that this is a big decision, but I'm certain it is the right one."
Delay talking about logistics. Although you might be desperate to find out what the next few weeks will look like, put off an immediate discussion about the future or any legal arrangements. This conversation is tense and emotional—it’s unlikely you’ll come to an agreement on anything right now. Try not to make any promises to your spouse about property, assets, or custody at this time. You might say, “I think we should hold off on talking about that for now.” Take some time to process your emotions before coming back together to discuss what will happen next.
Handling Difficult Emotions
Write a script beforehand if you think you will be too emotional. Create a list of talking points for yourself to guide you through the conversation. Write this list at a time when you are feeling calm and relaxed. This will help you control the conversation without becoming overly emotional. Write out exactly why you want the divorce, and use this to help you express these thoughts to your spouse. For example, you might write, "I feel as though my needs are not being met by the marriage" or "I think that there are certain issues that we can't resolve." Make a list of reasons why the divorce would be good for you. For example, you might say, "We won't have to argue over little things anymore" or "We can pursue our career goals more freely." Don’t assume what would be good for your significant other.
Remain calm throughout the conversation. While it may seem difficult not to become overwhelmed by this conversation, try to use a calm, even voice and speak slowly. Avoid yelling, screaming, name-calling, or eye-rolling during the conversation. If you feel yourself becoming angry, defensive, or frustrated, stop and take a deep breath. Count to 10 if you need to. When you are ready, respond to your spouse in a calm, even tone. Try squeezing a small stress ball during the conversation when things get tense. If your spouse becomes angry or if you are afraid that they will become violent, remove yourself from the situation. You might tell them something like, “We can continue this conversation at another time.”
Use "I" statements to avoid blame. Statements that begin with "you" may come off as accusatory. These statements may incite anger in your spouse and make the divorce process more stressful than it has to be. Instead, use statements that begin with "I" to reflect how you feel. For example, don't say, "You cheated!" or "All you do is work." Instead, simply say, "I feel like we have grown apart. It's not working for me anymore."
Steer clear of fault-finding or arguing. If your spouse begins to blame you or derail the conversation, end the discussion. You’ve made up your mind and getting into the technicalities will only make the process harder. Say, “I’ve made my decision. I don’t want to argue with you. Perhaps we can talk more later.”
Prepare for mixed emotions in the aftermath. Divorce can cause many different emotions, including relief, anxiety, grief, or stress. It is okay if you feel mixed emotions after asking your partner for a divorce. Remind yourself of why you wanted the divorce in the first place to give you the motivation you need to see it through. If you’re feeling depressed, overwhelmed, or anxious about the divorce, consider seeing a mental health professional to discuss your feelings. They can help you come to terms with your divorce.
Discussing Divorce Arrangements
Agree to marriage counseling only if you’re willing to put in the effort. If your spouse suggests marriage counseling before a divorce, make sure that you’re willing to devote time and effort to make it work. If you’re already set on getting divorced, marriage counseling may not have any effect. Marriage counseling requires both parties to be willing to work on the relationship. It is not a place to vent or complain about your partner. It can be effective, however, if you both work with the counselor to save the marriage. If your spouse suggests marriage counseling and you don’t want to do it, you might say, “I don’t think that can save our marriage now.”
Figure out what you want to keep from the marriage. In a divorce, financial assets, property, and even pets are split up between the couple. Consider what is most important to you. Determine if you want full or partial custody of your children or pets if you have them. Decide whether you want alimony or to keep your retirement accounts intact. Explain calmly to your spouse why you want to keep certain things. For example, you might say, “I need my car to get to and from work. I think it only fair that I keep it” or “My mother’s paintings hold a lot of sentimental value for me.” Pick your battles. You won’t be able to keep everything you love from the marriage. Prioritize what is most important to you, and be willing to compromise on things that don’t hold as much value to you.
Discuss custody over any children. If you have children together, it is important that you come up with a custody plan that works best for the children. Make sure that you stay on friendly terms with your spouse for the sake of your children. Children who have a good relationship with both parents tend to handle divorces better. You may need to decide who the children will live with. If you can’t agree on this, a judge may have to decide for you. Allow older children to have some say in who they live with. Try not to be hurt or offended if the child decides they want to live with their other parent. Agree on when to tell your children about the divorce. For example, you might say, “I think we should wait until the end of the school year” or “Maybe we should talk to a lawyer first before telling the kids.”
Agree to see a mediator if you and your spouse are on good terms. You may not require a lawyer if you and your spouse mostly agree about the divorce. In such cases, consider meeting with a mediator. A mediator can help you decide how to split property, work out a custody arrangement, and choose how to handle unique issues. You might say to your spouse, “Since we seem to agree on most issues, perhaps we don't need a lawyer. How about we just see a mediator instead?" Mediation can be less tense than battling it out in the courtroom. However, mediation may only be beneficial for those who are relatively savvy about their finances and who can come to agreement with their spouse.
Consult with a lawyer if you and your spouse disagree on certain issues. These issues might include the splitting of assets, the ownership of houses and cars, or the custody of children. Prepare for your divorce by speaking with a local divorce attorney. Bring important paperwork, such as a prenuptial agreement or records of your assets to the meeting. You may not know exactly what to do or what you want from the divorce, and that’s okay. This meeting is simply important to get the ball rolling and find out what options are available to you. In situations where your spouse was abusive or manipulative, a lawyer can deliver and serve documents to them so that you do not have to confront them yourself.
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