What does feigning ignorance mean?
Feigning ignorance means to act oblivious to something you’re aware of. When you’re confronted about something, whether it be problematic behaviors, a failure to follow through on something, or the like, and you act like you have no idea what the person confronting you is talking about, you are feigning ignorance. If you’re feigning ignorance, you may act oblivious or unaware of something that you’re regularly aware of. Example: “Dude, I asked him to take out the garbage and he asked me where the garbage goes, even though he takes it out every week. He keeps feigning ignorance!” Example: “I can’t stand it! I asked you to clean the house and you told me you would do it by Sunday, then Sunday comes around and you act like you have no idea what I’m talking about! Stop feigning ignorance and get to it, man. Please.” Feigning ignorance can be used as a manipulative tactic. It is often employed by narcissists.
What does feigning ignorance look like?
In relationships, feigned ignorance may look like acting oblivious to ignore commitments. A partner who is feigning ignorance may commit to things like dates, chores, or doing something for you, but when the time comes to actually do it, they may act clueless or say they have no idea what you’re talking about, even though you’re sure they made the commitment. This can look like saying they’ll take you on a date to your favorite restaurant, but then acting oblivious when you bring it up. For example: You: “I’m so excited for our date tomorrow! I can’t believe you remembered my favorite restaurant. What time is our reservation?” Them: “Reservation? Babe, what are you talking about? We were just talking about saving money! I think I’d know if I made a reservation, haha!”
In legal cases, feigned ignorance looks like intentionally hiding details by acting clueless. If you’re feigning ignorance in a legal case, that means you’re intentionally withholding details from important people, like your lawyer or an officer of the law, by acting clueless about the situation. You may get into a situation where you feel as though keeping the information to yourself is the best course of action, which causes you to intentionally avoid telling an authority figure, even when asked. For example: Your Lawyer: “I know it was probably a lot to handle, but do you know how fast you were going when you got into the fender bender?” You: Knowing that your speed caused the accident, you say “No, I honestly have no idea. Everything was so jarring.” Lying to your lawyer can make your case go worse than intended, as they’re working under false pretenses. This can cause them to develop a poorer case, as they typically rely on clients for the facts of the situation.
How to Respond to Feigning Ignorance
Consider the context and why they may not want to disclose information. If you suspect that someone is feigning ignorance, take a step back and look at the context of the situation. Consider whether the situation is pushing at something they genuinely want to hide or if they just aren’t aware of what’s going on. If they are genuinely trying to hide something, consider why that’s the case. If you notice your partner is being intentionally oblivious about a holiday or your birthday, ask yourself why they’re doing so. Are they tight on money? Are they surprising you? Or, are they having second thoughts?
Study their body language and tone to see if it’s consistent with genuine ignorance. When you suspect someone is feigning ignorance, take a good look at their body language and listen to their tone to see if their ignorance is genuine or not. Someone who is lying may speak in a higher or lower tone than usual. They may fidget with their nails or shake their hands and may struggle to make eye contact. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller says that when people cross their arms, they may have more closed-off energy. Look for this when studying your partner’s body language.
Patiently explain to them what’s going on. By kindly, patiently explaining the situation to someone who is feigning ignorance, you give them fewer chances to act oblivious to the situation, which can force them to hold themselves accountable and take action when needed. For example, if you ask your partner to wipe down a table and they ask how they should wipe it down, calmly explain to them that they should spray the table with a cleaning solution, wait 30 seconds, then wipe it away with a dry cloth. If able, read them the instructions to the task you want them to do so there’s less chance for “confusion” or error. If you struggle with patience, try practicing patience with yourself first. Deeply breathe when waiting for something and try to avoid rushing things.
Be direct and probe them with questions. Kindly ask probing questions to reveal the truth and gauge whether your partner is being honest with you or not. For example, if you suspect that your partner is feigning ignorance about picking up dinner or not being truthful about their whereabouts for the day, ask them something like “Hey, I know we haven’t been in touch today, but did you remember to grab dinner like you said?” By asking them if they remembered, reminding them that they said it, and being direct, you’re giving your partner fewer chances to lie about the situation.
Is feigning ignorance manipulative?
Feigned ignorance is manipulative since it influences a person with falsehoods. By intentionally playing dumb to get out of a situation, you are manipulating the person who’s confronting you. You’re intentionally trying to confuse them and cause them to not believe in their own thoughts, which is manipulative. It’s manipulative if you lie to someone and say you have no idea what they’re talking about when they confront you about something you know you did. For example: Them: “Did you go through my phone last night? I woke up to a bunch of my messages deleted and you’re the only one who has my passcode.” You: “No way! I’d never do that. There must have been a glitch or something.” If you know that you went through their phone the night before and decide to lie about it, that’s manipulative.
Why do people feign ignorance?
People typically feign ignorance to avoid accountability and responsibility. When someone knows that something may create more work for them or force them to own up to their wrongdoing, they may feign ignorance in order to avoid accountability or responsibility. For example, a work colleague may act as though they were unaware of a deadline in order to avoid the extra work associated with it. For example: You: “Hey, welcome back to the office! I hope you had a good weekend. Did you get those weekly reports in on Friday like I asked?” Your Coworker: “Weekly reports? I don’t recall you asking me about those? Are you sure it wasn’t someone else?”
People also feign ignorance to avoid conflict. For those who are conflict avoiding, feigning ignorance can help them feel protected or as if everything is fine. While this may not be antagonistic, it can still cause problems in a friendship or relationship, as you’re being untruthful to your loved ones. You can also still run into conflict through feigned ignorance. It can cause you build resentment for the person, as you aren’t actually addressing your issues. If you know that your friendship with someone wouldn’t be approved by a partner or loved one, you may act clueless about that person and feign ignorance to avoid upsetting your partner or loved one.
Is it ever okay to feign ignorance?
Yes, you can feign ignorance as long as you aren’t being manipulative. Feigning ignorance can be done without being manipulative, and it’s okay if you aren’t doing it to avoid accountability. For example, if you’re intentionally lying about a surprise party because you don’t want to spoil the surprise, that’d be okay, even if you’re feigning ignorance. It’d also be okay if you’re trying to get valuable input about something, like a product you’re selling. You can also feign ignorance if you know an issue isn’t worth your time. For example, if someone accuses you of doing something that you know you didn’t do, you can act oblivious to shut the situation down. If someone accuses you of doing something you know you did, it’s best to own up to it. If you don’t, then it’d be manipulative.
Related Terms
Incredulous Someone who is incredulous is unwilling to admit or accept what’s considered the truth. For example, if someone believes the Earth is flat, but they’re presented with evidence that it’s round and still decide to ignore it in favor of their belief, they’d be considered incredulous.
Disingenuous Someone who is disingenuous is lacking in frankness and sincerity. They are often intentionally choosing to be insincere or withhold information. For example, if you ask someone what they think about your outfit and they say that they think it’s nice, but their body language tells you they dislike it, they’re being disingenuous.
Coy When someone is being coy, that means they are showing reluctance to make a definite commitment to something or someone. For example, if you and a potential partner are talking about taking a vacation in the summer and they entertain the conversation even though they are reluctant to commit to the vacation, they are being coy.
Facetious Someone who is being facetious is often trying to be funny or humorous, sometimes inappropriately. Similar to how someone who is feigning ignorance avoids accountability, someone can be facetious in order to draw attention away from a situation they view as unfavorable.
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