Emotional avoidance is a response that can show up in our relationships as a method of ignoring bad experiences, and how we feel about them. Marriage and Family Therapist, Emily H. Sanders, shared how this can hinder our ability to connect with our loved ones. The majority of these behavioural patterns develop as what she called a form of self-protection. These often take root when we are young and adapting to our family of origin. However, that is not always the case. Sometimes, these can also develop later in life for various reasons. If you have grown up being shamed, dismissed, or having your sensitivities used against you, then you are more likely to not feel safe when opening up. Here are 7 signs these coping skills might have translated into adult relationships.
Cutting people off quickly when they hurt you (before attempting a repair): When someone does something that hurts you, instead of trying to talk to them and work through the issue, you distance yourself from them and may even cut them out of your life entirely.
Saying that you’re fine when you aren’t: You may try to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay, even when you’re feeling upset or overwhelmed.
Using humour or sarcasm to avoid or deflect vulnerability: You may use jokes or sarcastic comments to deflect from emotional topics or to avoid sharing your true feelings with others.
Acting like hard things don’t affect you: You may pretend that difficult situations or experiences don’t bother you, even when they do.
Lying to others (and yourself) about how you truly feel: You may hide your true feelings from others and even convince yourself that you’re okay when in reality you’re struggling with something.
Keeping the focus of the conversation on other people rather than talking about yourself: You may avoid discussing your own emotions or experiences and instead focus on other people’s problems or experiences.
Holding on to the narrative that “all I need is me,” when actually you’d really like to have someone help you: You may tell yourself and others that you don’t need anyone’s help or support when deep down you really wish you had someone to talk to and rely on.
Emily H. Sanders also shared that safe people are those who allow you to feel and experience things without judging, criticizing, or weaponizing what you share. These are people who are quick to join you in celebrating your achievements and are happy for you. Safe people will never be defensive or punishing and will always make sure their words and actions are in alignment.
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