- Consider any red flags in your relationship, like abuse, neglect, infidelity, or waning interest. Some of these may be overcome, but some are deal-breakers.
- If you aren’t sure whether to break up, address your concerns with your boyfriend. If he listens and makes attempts to repair things, it might be worth sticking around.
- But if he doesn’t seem interested in trying to fix the relationship or dismisses your wants and needs, the relationship probably isn’t salvageable.
- Trust your gut—but know that just because you’re considering ending the relationship doesn’t mean you have to.
Red Flags to Pay Attention To
You’re fighting—a lot. Disney movies might not show it, but all couples fight sometimes. But if you and your boyfriend are constantly at each other’s throats—and, more importantly, fail to reach a resolution in a timely manner, if at all—that’s a big red flag. A bad sign is that you never actually identify the real reason for fighting; the fighting is always over petty things, rather than discussing the real issue causing the fighting. If you’re suffering any physical, emotional, or sexual violence from your partner, consider ending the relationship. No relationship is worth your safety and wellbeing. You may fight a lot, but if you’re always perceived to be the problem and always the one apologizing, that’s a sign of an imbalanced relationship.
One (or both) of you has broken the other’s trust. Everyone makes mistakes in their relationship that hurt their partners, but some mistakes are just not that easy to forgive and forget, like an affair, financial infidelity, or another sort of betrayal—especially if it’s an ongoing issue. If you and your partner are dealing with the aftermath of a devastating breach of trust, it just might not be that easy to mend, even if you both really want to move past what happened. Many couples experience betrayal and manage to work through it, but many don’t. A lack of trust and respect will eat away at the relationship, and it won’t improve unless you can restore that trust. If that seems too hard to achieve, then it may be time to leave. Some couples find a way to move past infidelity if it’s a one-time thing, but if your boyfriend keeps betraying you and you keep hoping he’ll change, realize that he likely won’t. If your boyfriend doesn’t trust you, this can lead him to be controlling and possessive, and it’s likely you’ll feel imprisoned by his emotions.
They don’t seem interested in you anymore. Do you feel like you’re no longer a priority, that you’re just taken for granted? If you weren’t there, do you think it would make much difference to him? It hurts to feel as though a partner’s interest has waned, but you deserve a relationship in which you are a priority. Does your boyfriend neglect you? When was the last time you felt close to him? If you’re struggling to feel seen and valued in your relationship, that’s a bad sign. Do you feel like the relationship is one-sided? Are you the one doing all the heavy lifting? Making dates, initiating sex, prioritizing your boyfriend while he just doesn’t reciprocate? All relationships go through rough patches, but if you’re the only one working to repair things, maybe they’re just not worth repairing.
You’re bored. Hey, it happens! After the honeymoon phase, your relationship is almost certain to lose some of its luster. That doesn’t mean it’s doomed or unhealthy; this happens to everyone. But if you’re feeling tired of the relationship and like you’re just going through the motions, it’s worth considering if you’re just not compatible. It’s possible your relationship just needs some spice, and it might be worth talking to your boyfriend about how to make things more interesting—maybe by going out on more dates or taking a trip together. He may feel the same way you do. But you may have just outgrown the relationship. If nothing excites you about the relationship anymore and your boyfriend has stopped being attractive to you, it might be time to say goodbye. Does your sex life feel stagnant? Unless you and your partner are asexual, sexual satisfaction and intimacy are likely important in your relationship, and if something is missing in bed, the relationship will take a major hit.
Your life directions have diverged. Sometimes couples just stop wanting the same things—or they realize they never did. Maybe he wants to retire to a homestead, but you want to head the White House. Maybe he wants kids and you don’t. When common expectations change, the relationship can change drastically too. If your life goals and core values have stopped aligning, your connection to your boyfriend will surely suffer. Can you see the two of you together in the future, or does any thought of marriage, having kids with him, and sharing the future with him completely freak you out? Listen to your gut here. Maybe they didn’t change: maybe you only got to know them better and realized they’re not the person you thought they were when you started dating.
You’re only staying out of obligation. If you’re not staying because you genuinely want to, it’s probably time to break up. Consider the sunken cost fallacy—that is, the mistaken notion that it’s worth committing to something (like a relationship) that just isn’t right for you simply because you’ve invested considerable time, energy, and emotion into it. Ask yourself if the pain of abandoning the relationship isn’t worth it in the long run. Maybe you feel obligated because your partner is really clingy and insecure. If this stops you from living your life or even from breaking up with him, that in itself is a sign that it’s time to break up. We all need time to ourselves, and if you’re frustrated with your boyfriend, it’s possible you just need to take some space. But if you consistently would rather be doing anything than spending time with him, it’s a red flag.
You don’t feel like yourself anymore. If you no longer know what you want, feel that you never get to make choices that elevate your needs and interests, and are continuously wondering who you are and what you’d be doing if you weren’t with this guy, then it’s a major red flag that the relationship isn’t working for you. If you’re stuck in his orbit and having a hard time getting out of it, it might be time for a break, if not a breakup. Is he in the driving seat? Do his priorities—his career, hobbies, and friends—matter more than you and your priorities? Have you put your life on hold for him? If you don’t feel like you can be yourself in your relationship, it’s a big red flag. You deserve someone who you can be you around.
You’ve fallen out of love. Sometimes it’s as heartbreakingly simple as that. The heart knows what it wants and what it doesn’t want. If you’ve fallen out of love, then the relationship is over. It’s time to set him free and look again. You might still love him and want him to be happy, but if you’re no longer in love with him, consider that he’ll be happier without you (though maybe not at first).
What do my feelings say?
Just because you’re considering breaking up doesn’t mean you have to. Everyone wonders whether it’s time to cut their losses and move on at some point in a relationship. The fact that you’re reading this article shows you have concerns about the relationship, but remember that just because things aren’t great at the moment, it doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. Some couples manage to work through challenges, while others realize the signs are pointing to a breakup. And remember—if you do decide to break up, it'll be OK. We swear. We’ve been there.
In matters of the heart, trust your gut. While considering a breakup doesn’t necessarily mean a breakup is imminent or necessary, don’t discount that little voice inside you that’s saying something is wrong. Even if that “something” doesn’t mean you need to end the relationship, it likely means something in the relationship isn’t working right now and needs to be addressed.
How do I know it’s time to break up?
Ask yourself whether the problems in your relationship can be fixed. We’re going to beat a dead horse here: if you’ve recognized any of the red flags listed above in your own relationship, they don’t automatically mean your relationship is doomed. So how do you know it’s time to end things? When you and your partner can’t fix the problem. While some problems may be worked through, abuse is never acceptable. But if you’re experiencing neglect or waning interest or another non-dealbreaker, talk to your boyfriend about it. If he listens and makes an effort to repair things, it might be worth sticking around. If he blows you off or makes excuses for why he can’t give you the support you need, he may just not be willing to make the effort or capable of making it. Talk things over with trusted friends and family and perhaps a trained therapist. Maybe even seek out a couples counselor for you and your boyfriend to see together. Reflect on the relationship yourself. Journal about your relationship, and consider making a pro-con list to help you decide if the relationship is worth staying in and if the problems you’re dealing with are fixable.
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