- A lithromantic isn’t interested in romantic affection whatsoever; they may feel attraction to other people but they don’t want any romantic intimacy reciprocated.
- Signs you may be a lithromantic include fear of intimacy, a dislike of romantic behavior and media, not having crushes, or only crushing on unavailable people.
- Lithromantics can be in long-term relationships that involve marriage and even children; however, the affection in these couples is more platonic than romantic.
What is a lithromantic?
A lithromantic feels attraction for others but doesn’t want it reciprocated. Lithromantics feel love for other people but prefer to keep that love either platonic or private. They may flirt with and even become romantically interested in others but do not wish to enter a romantic relationship and will often disengage the second they know those romantic feelings are mutual. Lithromantics don’t want romantic relationships whatsoever. While some people may not be interested in romance temporarily, due to previous traumas or external circumstances (focusing on work, school, etc.), lithromantics’ distaste for romance is intrinsic and permanent.
Signs You’re a Lithromantic
You don’t want to be in a romantic relationship. While romantic interest ebbs and flows, most people find themselves craving a romantic relationship at various points in their life. Aromantic people, however, have never felt a particular draw to being in a couple. You may be wondering if you’re lithromantic or just haven’t met the right person. Try to reflect on past fantasies by journaling them or just closing your eyes and thinking about them. If you can’t recall a time where you even dreamed of being in a relationship, you may be lithromantic.
You’re emotionally unavailable when it comes to love. If you find yourself becoming avoidant the second someone expresses a desire for intimacy, you may be a lithromantic. Being lithromantic doesn’t mean you’re completely distant. Several lithromantics are empathetic, open, and vulnerable (which are all key signs of emotional availability). However, when it comes to one-on-one romantic connections, their lack of connection causes them to put walls up. If you’ve dealt with unavailable loved ones or harmful romantic experiences in the past, you may want to talk to a therapist. Getting a professional’s opinion can help you cope and determine if you’re truly lithromantic or if your emotional avoidance is a defense mechanism.
You can’t stand hopeless romantics. If you dislike romantic movies, get grossed out when you see couples being mushy, and find no redeeming qualities in holidays like Valentine’s Day, the overall concept of romance may just make you uncomfortable. Being off-put by this is a key sign you may be lithromantic or aromantic.
Romance kind of scares you. Some lithromantics aren’t necessarily grossed out by romance; however, they find the thought of entering a romantic relationship scary. Close your eyes and try visualizing yourself in a romantic relationship with somebody. If you notice yourself feeling stressed out rather than excited by this vision, you’re probably somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. Pay attention to your body. Do you notice yourself sweating, your heart rate increasing, and pressure in your chest? These are all signs the thought of a romantic relationship gives you stress.
You prefer platonic friendships. Aromantic and lithromantic people prefer to avoid physical touch, lovey-dovey language, and other gestures of affection associated with romance. While they still share common love languages with romantic people (quality time, acts of service), they prefer to keep this loving communication free of intimacy. Platonic friendships are also less complicated than romantic relationships, which lithromantic people find appealing. Jealousy toward other people is less common, it’s easier to maintain independence, and there’s no pressure to keep that indefinable romantic “spark” alive.
You’re uncomfortable with physical intimacy. If all forms of physical affection (kissing, hugging, hand holding) regardless of intention make you uncomfortable, there’s a strong sign you fall somewhere on the aromantic spectrum.
You’re mostly attracted to fictional characters. You may be lithromantic if you notice a lot of your crushes tend to be made-up or from popular books, movies, and TV shows. Because these characters are literally unattainable and incapable of reciprocating romantic affection, you may be drawn to them since it allows you to experience the excitement of infatuation without the fear of intimacy.
You lose interest when the idea of a romantic relationship comes up. Being lithromantic doesn’t mean crushes or romance for you are impossible. In fact, it’s quite likely you’ll find yourself attracted to multiple people emotionally and physically throughout your life. However, if this person suggests subjects like sexual compatibility or long-term commitment, it’s like a switch is turned and your interest immediately fades.
All of your past partners have felt clingy. If you’ve felt suffocated by all your previous romantic relationships, it may not have been due to your partner’s neediness. Being on the aromantic spectrum, you may just find that form of intimacy overwhelming, and thus anybody who tries to initiate romance can feel cloying or exhaustive. We don’t always have the most accurate reads on our past selves. If you still have a friendship with your exes, try asking for their opinions on what you were like in a romantic relationship to get a more accurate picture.
You constantly fall for emotionally unavailable people. Lithromantics have a habit of catching feelings for people that are tough to be intimate with. These people may be aloof, unresponsive, change the subject when serious feelings are mentioned, already be in a serious relationship, or unavailable in another way. These obvious red flags provide a sense of security because lithromantics know a long-term romantic relationship with these people is virtually impossible. Try making a list of all your past crushes and partners, listing what caused you to lose interest or avoid pursuing them. If you notice a pattern of clearly unavailable behavior across the board, that may be worth looking at.
You only hook up with strangers or casual acquaintances. Being aromantic doesn’t mean you’re asexual. In fact, you may hook up with lots of people…as long as you have no real emotional attachment to them. If you prefer to get it on with people you barely know but refuse to cross that line with people you actually care about, this compartmentalization may be a sign you’re lithromantic.
You’ve dated people for all the wrong reasons. Being lithromantic in a heteronormative world (a world that sees heterosexual couples as the standard and everyone else as different) can feel confusing. Throughout your life, you may have felt like you needed to date people, just because everybody else was doing it. If you agreed to date people just to give them a chance and not because you actually liked them, you may be aromantic. Other reasons may have included: Peer pressure Boosting your self-esteem Fear of being alone Wanting to give dating a try (even though it never really appealed to you)
Being single doesn’t make you feel lonely. Most people tend to get despondent after they’ve been single for a long period of time. While they appreciate the independence and self-reflection singleness brings, they still see romantic relationships as the end goal and long for a partner someday. If you can’t relate to this, you may not see romance as appealing or fulfilling (which is a common trait of lithromantics and aromantics). While being single may not make you lonely, it can still feel isolating living as an lithromantic in a heteronormative world. Consider going to a local LGBTQ+ hangout in your area or starting a Gay-Straight Alliance at your school to meet other like-minded asexual and aromantic people.
People tell you that you have commitment issues. Because lithromantic people are physically and emotionally turned off by romance, they try to avoid romantic relationships altogether. However, in a heteronormative world, people see all relationship avoiders as people who are simply scared of commitment. If you’ve been described as non-committal in the past, you may actually just be aromantic.
Flirting confuses you. If you’ve always struggled to pick up on flirty or sexual cues, you may identify as lithromantic (or some other form of aromantic). On the other hand, you may love the act of flirting itself (the adrenaline it provides, how attractive it makes you feel, etc.). However, you immediately lose interest whenever people expect your flirting to lead somewhere. If that sounds like you but you’ve never known why, you may be aromantic. Harmless flirting can be good for you. It helps you learn nonverbal cues, boosts self-esteem, and reduces stress. Just communicate up front that you don’t want your advances to lead anywhere romantic so the people you flirt with don’t feel manipulated.
You just know. At the end of the day, romantic and sexual identities are a gut instinct. You may not be able to quantify the exact reason why you think you’re lithromantic, but at your core, it feels right. You don’t have to explain yourself. As long as the lithromantic label brings you comfort and clarity, that’s all that matters. Likewise, it’s totally okay to still be unsure if you’re lithromantic. You may need more time to learn about yourself. Remember: there’s no rush.
Are lithromantics aromantic?
Yes, lithromantics exist on the aromantic spectrum. ‘Lithromantic’ falls under the ‘ace’ umbrella in the Queer community. ‘Ace’ people may be asexual (which means they don’t want sex, but still desire intimate romantic relationships) or aromantic (which means they prefer love to be platonic). Lithromanticism is definitively a subcategory of aromanticism, but many lithromantics are asexual too. All sexuality and romance exist on a spectrum, and identities on these spectrums fluctuate. For example, some lithromantics may still desire mutual physical intimacy as long as there’s no emotional attachment, while some lithromantics may abstain altogether. Both are valid.
Lithromantic is a new term, so some Queer people may not know it. The term “lithromantic” was coined via Tumblr in 2016. Because it’s less than a decade old, some people in the LGBTQ+ community may be unfamiliar with this label at first. However, this doesn’t mean the identity isn’t legitimate or accepted. New language is a part of ever-evolving Queer theory and culture. You may just have to define what ‘lithromantic’ means a few times. Speaking of evolving language, ‘lithos’ means stone, and ‘lithromantic’ was derived from the term ‘stone butch’ which originated within the lesbian community. Therefore, some lithromantics prefer to just identify as aromantic so their label doesn’t seem appropriative of lesbian culture.
Can lithromantics be in relationships?
Lithromantics can be in relationships; they’re just untraditional. Lots of lithromantics are in long-term, committed relationships. Like in all relationships, lithromantics and their partners may choose to live together, get married, be sexually active, and even have children. However, lithromantic and other aromantic relationships are often less intimate than other couples and the dynamic may appear more platonic. While a lithromantic couple may seem eccentric at first, breaking the rigid image of what a couple is “supposed to look like” can help create a more inclusive future for all types of sexual and romantic identities.
Key Takeaways
Lithromantics can be in relationships, but they’re often platonic. Just because lithromantics aren’t interested in romantic affection doesn’t mean they can’t have long, fulfilling relationships with people. These relationships just tend to prioritize friendship and shared goals rather than physical affection and sexual attraction.
Lithromantics identify as part of the aromantic community. Aromantics are a Queer community that finds romantic relationships unappealing. Lithromantics are a type of aromantic that are comfortable with romantic affection, as long as it’s not reciprocated. Like all sexual and romantic identities, aromance exists on a spectrum. For example, some lithromantics may also be asexual while some might not.
There are many signs you may be lithromantic; it’s your own journey. If you’ve always been somewhat bored, repulsed, or afraid of romance, you may be lithromantic yourself. While coming out as lithromantic can be liberating, every lithromantic makes that leap at a different point in their life. There’s no pressure; come to that conclusion when you’re ready.
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