- Inner child wounds are often the result of childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect and can affect how an adult perceives themselves and behaves in relationships.
- People with inner child wounds may suffer from low self-esteem, have difficulty trusting others, or struggle to express their emotions.
- Write a letter to your inner child to connect with and heal them. Acknowledge their pain and offer them reassurance that their suffering isn’t their fault.
What are inner child wounds?
Inner child wounds are the result of childhood trauma. When a child doesn’t feel safe, loved, or recognized as they grow up, they sustain wounds that can stay with them all the way through adulthood. Such wounds and past trauma can greatly affect how an adult views the world, themselves, and their relationships. However, in many cases, a person may often try to repress and ignore these wounds. The concept of the inner child was proposed by psychologist Carl Jung as an archetype that symbolizes the common vulnerability that connects all humans. When a person’s inner child is healthy, it’s a source of childlike creativity, excitement, and inspiration.
Types & Causes of Inner Child Wounds
Physical wounds These kinds of wounds stem from physical abuse during childhood. A person who had to endure physical abuse during their childhood may grow up to be extremely distrustful of others and may be reluctant to receive or give physical touch and affection. It’s also possible for them to suffer from PTSD, which can manifest in avoiding certain people or reliving the traumatic memories. These wounds may also be called safety wounds since the individual’s sense of safety and security was damaged during their childhood due to such abuse.
Neglect wounds These are the direct result of a child and their needs being ignored by a parent or other adult during their childhood. For example, their parents may not have been physically present to supervise them or protect them from physical harm. Or, they may not have been given necessary items, such as appropriate clothing, food, or shelter. Neglect wounds may also be called prioritization wounds. The child and their needs weren’t treated as a priority, and such wounds carried over into their adult life.
Emotional wounds A person sustains emotional wounds when their caregiver or other adults during their childhood ignored their emotional needs. This usually involves a caregiver withholding love, affection, or support unless certain conditions are met. Or, caregivers might have denied physical affection like hugs, cuddles, or kisses. Emotional wounds are also known as worthiness wounds. A person with such wounds likely feels that they’re not deserving of other people’s attention or love due to the treatment they received as a child.
Verbal wounds These types of wounds stem from a certain type of emotional abuse that involves being overly criticized or reprimanded by caregivers during childhood. Someone with verbal wounds might have been constantly insulted, belittled, or called names by their caregivers. They may have also been discouraged from speaking up or displaying strong emotions. Such emotional abuse might also cause belonging wounds, which stem from a person feeling like they weren’t able to fit into the mold their caregivers had created for them.
Guilt wounds Unfortunately, children who suffer abuse may develop feelings of guilt as they grow up and tell themselves that they’re at fault for what happened to them. These guilty feelings can then stick with them all throughout their adult life unless properly addressed. It might also be that their caregivers blamed them for their own mistakes or unfortunate circumstances that no one could actually control.
Sexual wounds Childhood sexual abuse is a very traumatic experience, and the wounds sustained from such abuse can stay with a person for a very long time. Like other types of abuse, such trauma can lead to mental health issues, physical illnesses, and PTSD in the future.
Signs of a Wounded Inner Child
Low self-esteem If you’re suffering from an inner child wound, you might often have very negative thoughts about yourself and a low sense of self-worth Unfortunately, this could be a direct result of physical, emotional, or psychological neglect during your childhood. Some examples of behavior that indicates low self-esteem include: Being overly harsh or critical of yourself Hyper-focusing on your failures rather than your successes Constantly blaming yourself when things go wrong Thinking others are better than you Believing you don’t deserve to be happy
Depression Sadly, depression is not uncommon among people who’ve suffered abuse or neglect in the past. It’s natural to feel sad or down when something really significant happens, but if these feelings persist, it might be a sign of depression. Keep a look out for some of these signs to see if you may be suffering from depression: Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or emptiness Anger, irritability, or frustration over small matters Sleep disturbances Anxiety or restlessness Feelings of worthlessness or guilt Reduced or increased appetite
Addiction Some people who have unresolved issues or unaddressed wounds may turn to things like alcohol or drugs to cope. Unfortunately, this can lead to addiction, which can trigger various physical illnesses and issues. If you’re currently dealing with addiction or substance abuse, seek professional help and support as soon as possible. Call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) hotline at 800-662-4357 to get free help from public health agencies and connections to local resources.
Emotional repression People who have been emotionally abused or neglected during childhood may have unconsciously made repressing their emotions a habit. If you were taught from a young age that it’s not acceptable to express your wants and needs, you might subconsciously bottle up your emotions in adulthood. Some signs that you may be repressing emotions include sudden stress when others ask about your feelings, nervousness or anxiety, and uncomfortable feelings when others open up to you. For example, if you’re in a romantic relationship, you might not feel comfortable with opening up to your partner about your dreams and future goals.
Loss of identity Children who grew up in households that had strict standards and overbearing caregivers run the risk of not fully developing their unique sense of self later in life. If you had adults in your life who constantly told you what to do, it might be hard for you to decide for yourself what your true interests and passions are as an adult. Because of this, you may find it hard to make decisions and rely on others to make them for you in your adult relationships. It can also be hard to pinpoint your exact wants and needs if you’ve gotten used to ignoring them for the sake of looking after others. For example, you might let your friends make all the decisions about what you’ll do when you hang out. Or, you might step aside and let your partner make all the financial decisions.
Insecure attachment style Attachment styles are the types of emotional connections you form with your primary caregivers from infancy. The quality of this connection has a significant influence on how you behave in future relationships. People with secure attachment styles are comfortable with sharing their feelings and relying on others when they need support. However, insecure attachment styles can make someone overly clingy or avoidant of intimate relationships altogether. The 3 types of insecure attachment styles are: Anxious-preoccupied (ambivalent): People with this attachment style tend to be overly needy. They want closeness but find it hard to trust others. On top of that, they may have a hard time setting boundaries and be constantly afraid that others will abandon them. Avoidant-dismissive: Avoidant-dismissive people are very independent and feel like they don’t need others. They’re often seen as distant and emotionally unavailable in relationships and might prefer casual flings rather than intimate relationships. Fearful-avoidant (disorganized): This type of attachment stems from fear often caused by childhood abuse or neglect. Fearful-avoidant people may be neglectful or abusive toward their partner and may even feel unworthy of love.
Deep feelings of anger Anger is a common response in people who’ve suffered from some type of trauma, abuse, or neglect. Such treatment can leave a person feeling betrayed and distrusting of others, so they may be quick to turn to anger when they feel like something is unfair. Lashing out in anger might also be a way to cope with repressed emotions since it gives you something else to focus on rather than confronting the issue at hand. If you find yourself getting angry or frustrated over even the smallest of inconveniences, it might be a sign that you have some unaddressed inner child wounds that are impacting you.
Problems maintaining relationships Trust issues and a fear of being hurt can make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships after an abusive or neglectful childhood. Any unaddressed issues or wounds you have can make it incredibly difficult to form satisfying relationships, and you might unconsciously find yourself pushing others away. For example, if you’re very distrustful of others, you might seek out casual relationships rather than choosing to settle down with one person long-term. Or, you may notice that you keep repeating certain patterns in your relationships. For example, you may find yourself always gravitating toward people are over-dominating due to feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem.
Fear of abandonment People who were physically or emotionally neglected during childhood often learn to view love and affection as unreliable. Their caregivers were likely inconsistent with giving them attention, so they may have formed a belief that everyone will eventually leave them. Unfortunately, this can lead to a strong fear of being abandoned in future relationships and friendships. If you find yourself feeling extremely anxious at the thought of a friend or partner leaving you, it might be a sign of an inner child wound.
Distrust Childhood abuse, neglect, and trauma can leave a person feeling extremely distrustful of the people around them even as an adult. Past memories of such treatment can hold you back from fully trusting others, and you may go into relationships feeling skeptical about the other person’s intentions. For example, you may not be willing to open up to friends or your partner because you’re afraid they’ll use your vulnerabilities against you. Or, you may take on all of the responsibilities in your relationship because you don’t trust your partner to be reliable.
Difficulties setting boundaries If you had overbearing caregivers who constantly micromanaged your every move and decision, you might find it hard to set healthy boundaries and say no in your current relationships. It may be that you feel like your wants and needs aren’t that important, so you allow others to make all the decisions even if they’re not your first choice. For example, even if you’re uncomfortable with a lot of PDA, you might not tell your partner no because you don’t want to upset them. Or, you might find yourself taking on more work or responsibilities than you’re comfortable with simply because others asked.
Unwillingness to ask for help Sadly, being neglected during childhood can cause a person to feel like they only have themselves to rely on. They likely learned from an early age that their caregivers wouldn’t be able to give them the support they needed, so they were forced to become independent and self-reliant. As an adult, this can translate into difficulty asking others for help or showing weakness. For example, even when you’re incredibly stressed out at work and have too much on your plate, you might bottle up your emotions instead of talking to someone. Or, you might have trouble delegating tasks to other people since you feel like you should be able to do them all by yourself.
Feelings of guilt Guilt that stemmed from over-critical or judgemental caregivers can easily carry over into adulthood. If you had caregivers who often blamed their mistakes and issues on you, you might be quick to feel guilty even about situations that are out of your control. It’s also possible that you feel guilty about whatever traumatic event happened in the past and blame yourself, even if it’s not true. For example, you may feel guilty about not standing up for yourself in the past, even though there may not have been much you could’ve done to prevent the situation. Or, you may feel like you’re being too selfish in your relationships because you were taught early on to feel guilty for expressing your wants and needs.
Avoidance of intimacy Childhood abuse, especially sexual or physical abuse, can, unfortunately, cause a person to be avoidant or even fearful of physical intimacy. Emotional abuse and neglect can similarly make a person reluctant to be emotionally intimate and vulnerable with future partners or friends. For example, you might be uncomfortable with the idea of being sexually intimate with your partner. Or, you might avoid emotional conversations or talks about your future together with your partner.
Physical health problems Unfortunately, childhood trauma can leave you with a variety of chronic or recurrent physical health issues. Things like headaches, stomachaches, and eating disorders are common, and people who have experienced childhood trauma are at a higher risk of heart failure and high blood pressure in the future. Sleep disorders, such as insomnia, are also commonly found in victims of abuse or trauma.
Mental health issues Abuse, trauma, and neglect can also make a person more susceptible to developing various mental health issues including depression, anxiety, and PTSD. If you think you might be suffering from mental health issues, talk to a licensed psychologist to get an official diagnosis and professional help. Some signs to look out for include: Fear and anxiety around certain people or situations Extreme mood swings Significant tiredness or low energy Difficulties concentrating on tasks Impaired memory
How to Heal a Wounded Inner Child
Practice mindfulness and reflect on your past. In order to heal your inner child's wounds, it’s important to take some time to truly confront and acknowledge them. Find a quiet place and do some deep breathing exercises or meditate to empty your mind and ground yourself in the present. Then, allow yourself to think of the events that happened in your past and make an effort to name the emotions you feel when you think of them. Focus on physical sensations as you recall your memories. Pay attention to how your body reacts and come up with an emotion that describes these sensations. For example, if you notice yourself breaking out in a cold sweat when recalling a childhood memory, you might say that that memory makes you feel anxious or stressed.
Forgive yourself to get rid of guilt. If you have any lingering feelings of guilt that stem from your inner child wounds, make an effort to let go of the past and forgive yourself. Acknowledge your mistakes and make a promise to yourself to do better in the future. Forgiving yourself is also about allowing yourself to admit that some things simply aren’t in your control. While there may have been negativity in your life, remind yourself that not everything is your fault. Self-forgiveness can also help ease feelings of stress and anxiety that may have been weighing you down.
Journal from your and your inner child’s perspective. Keep a journal where you can freely write about your thoughts and feelings from both your perspective and your inner child’s perspective. Writing as your present self can help you come to terms with your current emotions while writing from the perspective of your inner child can help you get a better understanding of what they may want and need. Ask your inner child some of these questions and write down how they would answer to start journaling from their perspective. What do you do for fun? What do you want to be when you grow up? What’s your perfect day like? What are you afraid of? When are you happiest? Journaling from your own perspective can be extremely helpful in identifying any complicated emotions you’re feeling and gives you a space to work through them freely and privately.
Write a letter to communicate with your inner child. Starting a dialogue with your inner child will help you feel connected to them. Once you feel comfortable addressing any pain you may still be feeling, put your thoughts and feelings into a letter to your inner child. Acknowledge their pain and offer them reassurance that they shouldn’t feel guilty for what’s happened. These letters are a way to reparent your inner child and give them the sense of safety and love they may not have received.
Express yourself using creative outlets. Your inner child is linked with innocence and creativity, so nurturing your own sense of creativity in the presence can help you feel even more connected to your inner child. Sing, dance, draw, paint, write, or find any other way to be creative. Giving into your inner child’s desires for such fun and freedom can help them heal and feel more nurtured.
Make time for play. Another way to connect with your inner child is by doing activities that you loved doing when you were little. Allow yourself to let go of any stress you might be feeling and just let yourself have fun in a carefree way. Run around in the grass barefoot, watch an old cartoon you enjoyed as a child, color, or read one of your favorite childhood books.
Be kind to yourself. Being compassionate toward yourself and practicing self-love can help improve your relationship with yourself and your inner child. Make an effort to replace negative thoughts with positive ones and avoid being too critical of yourself. Do things that you enjoy and let yourself have fun to help bring happiness and excitement into your life. Use positive affirmations to raise your confidence. Say things like, “I deserve to be loved,” “I am a good person,” and “I am strong and capable.”
Talk to a therapist if you need more support. If you start to feel overwhelmed or think that you may need extra support from a professional, consider talking to a therapist. They’ll be able to provide you with a safe space to talk about your experiences and emotions, and they may be able to give you exercises to help you on your healing journey. You’re not alone in this, and help will always be there for you.
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