- People in an interdependent relationship place equal value on their bond and their individuality.
- Clear communication, honesty, mutual respect, and safety are all important parts of an interdependent relationship.
- Take time to pursue your individual goals, be direct with your partner about your wants, and practice good listening to create interdependence in your relationship.
What is an interdependent relationship?
Interdependence means partners love and support one another but still respect each other’s independence. When it comes to interdependent relationships, it’s not so much that partners “complete” each other, but rather they “compliment” each other extremely well. Partners work together to build each other up and strengthen their relationship, all while maintaining their own self-sufficiency and independence. Their senses of self-worth aren’t dependent on one another, yet they work together to make sure each person’s wants and needs are equally fulfilled. Interdependent relationships can exist between romantic partners, family members, and friends.
Characteristics of Interdependent Relationships
Independence: When it comes to relationships, the people within them form a team. However, that doesn’t mean that anyone has to give up their independence to support their significant other and the relationship. Each person is able to pursue their own passions and goals. Each person feels confident that they’d be able to support themself just fine even without their partner if the situation came down to it. An example would be making sure each person spends some quality time with their own friends and family away from their partner, like a girls' night or small family vacation. This helps cement the idea that just because two people are in a relationship doesn’t mean they have to be together 24/7.
Clear communication: In an interdependent relationship, partners are able to communicate effectively and honestly with each other. Each person is able to convey their wants and needs in a clear and direct way so that there’s no room left for misunderstandings to pop up. Partners are well aware that they can’t read each other’s minds (as helpful as that would be), so they both take the initiative to start a conversation and talk honestly about what’s on their minds. For example, when it comes to making big life decisions, such as getting married, moving, or having kids, each partner might come up with their own list of reasons why they’re for or against certain ideas. Then, they’ll sit down together and work through the lists and ask questions to clarify anything vague.
Compromise: In any good interdependent relationship, neither person is the center of attention. Both partners respect each other’s wants and needs when making decisions both big and small. They look for the option that’ll equally benefit both of them and their relationship. A small compromise would be something like agreeing to split house chores based on who’s home at the time or having one person pay for groceries while the other covers rent for a shared apartment. A bigger compromise might be something like setting boundaries when it comes to public displays of affection.
Mutual respect: In an interdependent relationship, partners respect each other’s opinions and ways of getting things done. They don’t judge one another, and if they happen to disagree, they’ll likely open a dialogue to try and understand where each of them is coming from. They’re also respectful when it comes to setting healthy boundaries Partners are respectful when someone says no, and they’re willing to compromise on things that aren’t as clear. Interdependent partners also respect each other’s goals and dreams. Even if they’re aiming for different things, people in this type of relationship support one another 100% and don’t look down on someone else’s aspirations.
Safety and security: People in interdependent relationships work to create a space that’s safe and free of judgment. Each person feels like they can be vulnerable and speak honestly about what they’re feeling. They maintain this safe space by showing genuine concern, giving honest feedback, and knowing when to step back and let things run their course. For example, if Partner A asks for some space, Partner B doesn’t question their reasoning or try to start an argument. Instead, Partner B might ask if there’s anything they can do to support Partner A, but ultimately they’ll let Partner A come to them when they’re ready to talk.
Accountability: Arguments and conflicts are natural parts of any relationship. But what makes interdependent relationships different is that partners are able to recognize when they need to own up to their actions. While pushing the blame onto someone else might sometimes seem like the easiest way out, people in an interdependent relationship take responsibility for their actions. They also recognize their own limitations and aren’t afraid to ask for help. For example, if Partner A is upset with Partner B for neglecting to finish a chore, Partner B would accept their mistake instead of making an excuse. To remedy the situation, Partner B might say something like, “That’s totally on me. I got distracted and didn’t finish what I started, but I’ll be sure to get to it as soon as possible.”
Building an Interdependent Relationship
Analyze your feelings instead of lashing out when things get rough. Instead of acting impulsively when you and your partner hit a rough patch, take a few seconds to think about why you’re both acting the way you are. Ask yourself things like, “Is there a specific reason they’re behaving like this?” and “Is my reaction justified?” Really taking the time to understand where you and your partner are coming from in certain situations can help you avoid acting rashly. It also will help clear your mind if you’re planning on talking to your partner. For example, if you noticed that your partner has been extra snappy towards you but can’t think of anything you’ve done to upset them, ask yourself what the cause might be. Instead of jumping to conclusions and getting angry at them right away, put yourself in their shoes and look at things from a new perspective.
Tell your partner exactly what you want. Of course, this doesn’t mean go up to your partner and demand a bunch of stuff from them. But if there’s something you need or want to talk to them about, just come clean instead of beating around the bush. While the idea of being so straightforward might be a bit intimidating, you’re doing yourself and your partner a favor by reducing the risk of there being any misunderstandings in the future. For example, maybe your boyfriend asked you what you want for a birthday gift this year. Instead of saying “Nothing” and later getting frustrated that he really didn’t get you anything, state up front exactly what you want.
Don’t be afraid to tell your partner “no.” Feelings of security and trust are big parts of any healthy interdependent relationship. Along with compromise, knowing when to put your foot down is something that will really help create a sense of safety and respect in your relationship. Decide on what boundaries you want to establish with your partner and tell them directly what you are and are not comfortable with. In return, respect their own boundaries. Set firm boundaries by saying something like “Kissing in public makes me uncomfortable. I’d prefer if we didn’t” or “I’m not comfortable with sharing my passwords with you.”
Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. The deep sense of connection that comes with an interdependent relationship comes from each partner’s willingness to open up and be honest with each other. This doesn’t mean you have to lay everything out on the table right away, but when something is troubling you or you’re feeling anxious, don’t be afraid to turn to your partner for support. Similarly, feel free to share your successes and happiness with them as well. You may feel even more deeply loved knowing your partner knows you inside and out. When your partner asks you how your day went, spare them no details, Tell them all about what happened, both the good and the bad so that they can know what’s going on in your life.
Listen to what your partner has to say. Be an active listener when your partner tells you something and do your best to empathize with what they’re saying. Even if you feel like you know your partner pretty well, chances are you don’t know every single thing about what they’re thinking and feeling. As they talk, avoid jumping into the conversation with your own opinion or making assumptions about what they’re going through. Your job at the moment is to just listen and offer support when your partner asks for it. To be a better listener, get rid of any distractions and focus all of your attention on your partner. Make eye contact, turn your body towards them, and smile and show encouraging facial expressions to show them you’re listening. Instead of immediately trying to find a solution or giving your personal opinion, say things like, “That must be so hard” or “What you’re feeling is totally valid” to show them that you empathize with their situation.
Set time aside for yourself and your personal goals. Your sense of independence within your relationship is a huge factor in creating a healthy interdependent relationship. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t spend some quality alone time focussing on yourself. A loving and caring partner will understand and even encourage you to take some time for yourself. Pick up a new hobby, meet up with your friends or family, or just go for a walk by yourself. Spend some time just focussing on you so that you can return to your partner feeling recharged and ready to pick up where you left off. Continue to pursue your dreams and goals even if they’re not the same as your partner’s. Whether it’s career goals, goals for personal growth, or relationship goals, make sure you’re setting aside time and energy to work on these.
Interdependence vs. Codependence
Someone who is codependent often gets their self-worth from others. In other words, they often prioritize other people’s approval over the value they put on themselves. People who are codependent share some traits with people-pleasers, since they often put the needs of others before their own so that they will be liked and receive approval. On the other hand, while people in an interdependent relationship do look out for one another, they prioritize their own needs as much as their partner’s. In an interdependent relationship, each person recognizes their own individual value and worth and uses it to make the relationship stronger.
People tend to avoid conflict in a codependent relationship. When it comes to codependency, there’s often an underlying fear of being left alone. Someone who depends greatly on their partner likely wants to avoid all possibilities of their partner leaving, so they’ll most likely try their hardest to avoid all types of conflict. Unfortunately, this can lead to a buildup of emotions and resentment that is bound to explode at some point. Interdependent relationships are built on good communication and honesty. That’s not to say that people in an interdependent relationship go out looking to pick a fight, but they usually aren’t afraid to bring up issues and talk them through.
A codependent person might put aside their own interests for their partner. Usually out of a fear of rejection or abandonment, someone who depends heavily on their partner will often go along with whatever the other person wants to do simply to make them happy. A codependent person might even feel guilty or anxious when pursuing their own interests since they don’t want to disappoint their partner. On the other hand, being able to pursue one’s own passions and interests is an extremely important part of any healthy interdependent relationship. After recharging, each person will be more prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally to give their all to the relationship.
Someone who is codependent might idolize their partner. The beauty of humans is that they’re not perfect. People grow by learning from their mistakes and become better people because of them. However, someone who is very dependent on their partner might put them on a pedestal and ignore their flaws. Their fear of being alone might be what causes them to ignore their partner’s flaws and potential red flags. In an interdependent relationship, no partner is superior to the other. Both individuals have mutual respect for one another and recognize each other’s unique value.
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