- Get the conversation started by saying something like, “Hi, my name is Jack. What brings you here tonight?”
- Show off your sense of humor and ask thoughtful questions like, “I noticed you were watching the 49ers game. Are they your favorite football team?”[1]
- Try not to overthink it—at the end of the day, you’re just talking to another person. If you hit it off, great! If not, no big deal. As they say, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
The Set-Up
Do most of the talking in the very beginning. This, of course, depends on the woman and the situation, but you want to avoid doing what most guys do, which is to put the conversational burden on her with redundant questions and digging for commonalities. Shoot to do about 75% of the talking, maybe a bit less. Your aim here is to demonstrate your fantastic personality and high value. Try to keep the conversation light, fun, and playful. What conversation starters might you use? There are plenty: The cocky, playful alpha guy: "I know you probably get this a lot, but you're absolutely the most stunning woman I've seen..." "My friend had to drag me out tonight, but I'm finally glad he did, because seeing you, right here, right now, was worth it." The slightly shy, bashful guy: "I'm sorry this is awkward, but I get really shy around pretty girls." "I'm glad you're still here. I've been working up the courage to talk to you for half an hour, and I was worried I was going to have to embarrass myself in front of you totally sober." The up-front, matter-of-fact guy: "Hi, my name is [name], what brings you here tonight?" "This is the part where I introduce myself and you smile and let me buy you a drink, is that right?" "I've been trying to think of an excuse to talk to you, but I got nothing. Can I just tell you an interesting story that happened to me the other day?"
Avoid mundane subjects like work, politics, or anything negative. Be in control of the conversation, but don’t be controlling. Don’t let yourself slip into interview type questions, like "Where are you from?" or "What are you doing here?" Try to tap into your slightly dangerous, but still controlled, side, and feed off that energy. If she brings up subjects that you think might steer the conversation down the wrong path, gently push the conversation in another direction. Saying something that has something to do with the topic, but is funny, light, and might bring a change of topic. If she keeps coming back to the subjects you think are leading the conversation astray, you have two options: Feed off of the energy of that topic, since she seems to want to talk about it. Find an elegant, respectful way to leave the conversation, and instead focus on someone else. A simple "It was nice talking to you" should do the trick.
Move past obstacles with grace. Many women will say they have a boyfriend if they don’t have enough attraction for you yet. At the same time, many women who say they have a boyfriend actually have one, so you've reached an obstacle. Don't fret, though, because an obstacle is made to be overcome. You'll move past it with grace. If a woman says "I have a boyfriend, I'd prefer it if you didn't talk to me," just smile, tell her it was nice talking to her, and move on to another candidate. Sometimes life gives you bad lemons. If a woman says "I have a boyfriend," and leaves it at that, you can say: "That's fine, I respect that. Do you mind if we keep chatting?" If she says yes, keep on working. You're making lemonade out of lemons. Don't assume that you'll be able to convince a woman in a relationship or marriage to part with her number. Maybe you don't even want to be that guy. If a girl mentions her boyfriend, you probably want to start looking elsewhere unless your dying wish is to get her number.
Be outcome-independent. Prime yourself not to care whether you get her attraction or not. If she's attracted to you, that's a bonus; if not, you'll move on to another interesting girl. If you tell yourself that you need her attraction because your ego can't take rejection, you'll be sorely hurt, over and over again, because you will be rejected at some point. Rejection is natural. If you're so hurt or disappointed because you missed a single opportunity, you'll miss out on the thousands of other opportunities that await you. Your mental well-being plays an important role. If you are not happy in your life, you will have a difficult time trying to attract a woman. Focus rather on enjoying the moment than on attracting her.
Sealing the Deal
Don’t be needy. If the woman thinks, even for a moment, that she has more value in your eyes than you have in hers, you’re putting yourself at a disadvantage. Why? Because people want to have to work a little for their prize, because that makes the prize taste even sweeter. There are many techniques you can use to demonstrate that you're not needy, but for now the best thing you can do is detach from outcome (see above). Remember: this woman, though she may be beautiful and funny and smart, is only one of a handful of beautiful, funny, and smart in your universe. If she doesn't work out, another one eventually will. Don't shower her with compliments. A single choice compliment to start the conversation is all the woman needs to let her know that you're into her. Actually, because women are smart, they usually know if you're into them even without a compliment. So keep the schmaltzy compliments in your back pocket and focus on impressing her with your smarts, your humor, and your perspective.
Implement what is called "Reverse cold reading to bait qualification," or RCR. How it works: find something about her that you're fairly certain is not true. Then, say you don't like that quality in a girl. Because it's not true about her, she will then explain herself to you and let you know that she is not that way. This is called qualifying, and we do it when we're trying to win the favor of someone. What you're doing here is baiting her qualification; unconsciously she should become more attracted to you, because you ostensibly share similarities, or at least similar perspectives.
Be laid back and nonchalant about the whole thing. Your number one priority should be to have fun, because once you remove (or try to remove) your own ego from the equation, talking with a beautiful, interesting woman is incredibly exhilarating. Flirt, tease, be slightly cocky if that's your persona, and use sarcasm (with a wry smile thrown in so she knows you’re just messing around). Pretend you’re speaking to an old friend. If she says something that you disagree with, tell her. In other words, don't be milquetoast. When you disagree, don’t be mean, don’t be offensive; just rationalize your opinion and lay out why you feel the way you do. If you do this in the right way, it'll move the conversation forward and give you something interesting to talk about. If you're confident, you can tease her about how she’s not cool if she doesn’t agree with you (wry smile here folks, wry smile). Be composed. Very, very composed. Like the captain, you know exactly where you want to go and everything you say and do has a purpose. Nothing can phase you, even rejection. You expect the best but are prepared for the worst. Why? Because you're more composed than a Keats poem!
Remember that picking up girls is largely about time management. Why waste your time with conversation that isn’t pushing you closer to your goal? Besides, distractions may arise that will steal her attention, so each minute counts. With a little practice, it's easy to get numbers in seconds rather than minutes. You may it's helpful to only talk for a few minutes before asking for a number, a dance, etc. That's because it's hard to keep up witty, direct, spirited conversation for a long time, even when you're hitting all cylinders. Don't string the conversation along without an end-goal in mind!
Lastly, constantly assess her attraction. Look for open body language, dilated pupils, giggling, and touching. Regardless of her personality or culture, women are pretty consistent with signs of attraction. With just a little practice you’ll be able to pick up on these signs very quickly. Just follow your hunch; it’s usually correct.
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