- Microcheating refers to when someone in a relationship shows small displays of intimacy to someone that isn’t their partner (flirting, liking provocative pictures, etc).
- Common examples of microcheating include: flirting, having secret conversations, or telling other people intimate details about your relationship.
- Microcheating is rarely severe enough to destroy a relationship. However, it may point out other intimacy issues that need to be addressed.
What is microcheating?
Microcheating describes the small, seemingly innocent actions people take that create intimacy with someone outside of their relationship. When people microcheat, their actions don’t quite fall into the territory of having an emotional affair (and certainly not a physical affair). However, they still involve behaving intimately with someone outside of their relationship, which breaches their partner’s boundaries and trust. Microcheating is not a psychological term. Therefore, what qualifies as microcheating depends on each couple. However, seemingly-harmless flirting, having a “work husband” or wife, or omitting that you’re in a relationship in public could all be considered microcheating. Microcheating can be done with one specific person or with multiple people, and it’s often unintentional.
Examples of Microcheating
Your partner flirts with other people. The most common example of microcheating is flirting. Usually, the flirting is innocent (lighthearted compliments, inside jokes, playful teasing) and your partner may not even know their behavior is being interpreted that way. However, it can easily cross into more clearly amorous territory (sexually suggestive comments, secret hangouts) and violate your relationship’s trust. Not everybody considers flirting cheating (or even microcheating) and the intention behind the flirting is often the deciding factor. The clearest sign of problematic flirting is your partner prioritizing your needs and feelings second in the presence of whoever they’re flirting with. For example, if they’re having a conversation with both of you but only seem to respond to the other person, or they change your plans so they can spend more time with this other person, they’re probably flirting (and it may be more intentional than they admit).
Your partner talks to their ex without you knowing about it. Talking to an ex isn’t necessarily a sign of microcheating unless there’s an element of secrecy. If your partner is talking to an ex or old flame and hasn’t told you about it, even if the conversation isn’t romantic whatsoever, this is a breach of trust which could be a red flag.
Your partner likes or comments on other people’s provocative pictures. There’s nothing wrong with posting or engaging with someone’s thirst trap. However, if your partner is constantly scrolling through social media and interacting with other people’s sexually suggestive material, there’s likely some degree of flirtation involved, regardless of how innocent or well-meaning the comments are. It can help to establish some boundaries for social media etiquette early into your relationship. Everybody has different limits and your partner can’t know what you’re uncomfortable with unless you communicate.
Your partner discusses sex with someone else regularly. Being open about sex and sexuality with other people is extremely healthy. However, if your partner is constantly bringing up intimate details about you two together or sharing their fantasies with a specific person on a regular basis, this might mean they’re trying to establish intimacy with someone other than you (even if the intimacy isn’t physical). The relationship of the person they talk about sex with matters too. Opening up about their sexual insecurities with a long-term friend is very different from detailing what they like in the bedroom with a co-worker they used to have a crush on.
Your partner is a little too playfully physical with someone. Not all physical flirtation is overt. Usually, hugging someone or touching their arm when laughing at their joke are harmless displays of platonic friendship. However, if you notice your partner making physical contact with one friend more than others, there may be an unspoken chemistry they don’t realize and this could point cause a small rift in your relationship.
Your partner shares intimate secrets about your relationship. Trust is key to building intimacy in a romantic partnership. It can be a form of microcheating if your partner violates that trust by telling private information to someone else (or a group of people), even if the context is totally platonic. The secrets don’t have to be romantic either. If you’re uncomfortable with people knowing about an embarrassing thing you did in 4th grade, your partner disclosing that still crosses a line. Your partner likely isn’t sharing secrets to expose or embarrass you. Everybody has different limits for what personal details they feel comfortable revealing. Always disclose what information you’d like to keep between just the two of you to avoid potential confusion and heartache.
In moments of vulnerability, your partner turns to someone else first. Being able to connect when we feel most exposed is essential for building intimacy and affection in a relationship. If your partner always communicates their vulnerabilities with somebody else before you, this limits your connection and intimacy. It also creates a mismatched power dynamic, as you’re sharing your emotional insecurities with them but not vice versa. Like most forms of microcheating, there’s rarely any ill will behind this. Oftentimes, your partner will share their vulnerabilities with a parent, sibling, or friend before you, just because they trust them more. Try not to take it personally and gently remind them you’re here too. Consider how long you’ve been together too. If you’ve only been dating 3 months, it’s fairly normal (even healthy) for them to see other people that they’ve known longer as more trusted confidantes. However, if you’ve been together for years, you may need to have a conversation.
Your partner complains to someone else about your relationship. We all get frustrated in relationships and need somebody to vent to. However, if your partner is regularly badmouthing you to the same person (that you don’t have a strong relationship), this could be a sign of disrespect and point to emotional cheating.
Your partner seeks sexual release through media instead of you. Microcheating isn’t always with another person. While watching porn, reading erotic fiction, and consuming other forms of sexual content is nothing to be ashamed of, in a committed relationship, these should be an additional outlet rather than a replacement for real-life affection. If your partner engages with erotic media more than they’re physically intimate with you, this can cause an intimacy drought. Intimacy droughts are often caused by one or both partners feeling too much pressure to be intimate with each other. Helping your partner relax and creating a safe space to feel emotionally and sexually free can make them feel more comfortable and reignite that spark. Try taking a romantic bath together, offering your partner a massage, or simply communicating that you care about them and will never judge them to help them alleviate any stress they might have regarding intimacy.
Signs Your Partner is Microcheating
They’re inattentive or neglectful of you. When someone is microcheating, they seem distracted, oblivious, or like their mind is elsewhere. While this doesn’t necessarily mean they’re preoccupied thinking of other people, they’re still trying to avoid being present with you which limits your intimacy and, if they don’t communicate what they’re thinking about, can make it hard to trust them. Common signs of inattentiveness include: not noticing mood shifts, seeming spacey or “out of it” during conversations, and not making eye contact.
They’re overly secretive. Secrecy and lies are the key tells of all forms of cheating, no matter how small. If you notice them hiding text messages from you, whispering on the phone, lying about where they’ve been, or omitting details about their time with other people, this is cause for concern. There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. It’s healthy to have your own separate lives, as long as there’s transparency. For example, “I’d like to go camping next weekend by myself. Here’s the trail I’ll be on. Contact me during these hours because I won’t have service the rest of the day” is an example of privacy. “I’m going away this weekend. I don’t want to talk about why” is an example of secrecy.
They get defensive when you accuse them of violating your boundaries. Defensiveness is a common sign of infidelity. Whether it’s an affair or just microcheating, if your partner refuses to take responsibility for dishonest or inappropriate behavior, that’s a red flag. They may deny your accusations, try to pass the blame, or deflect by changing the subject. Regardless, they’re not addressing the core intimacy issue which can cause additional problems. While dealing with microcheating can be frustrating, try to be empathetic and use “I feel” statements when you address the problem with your partner. Using hostile language can make it feel like you’re attacking their character, which makes them more likely to get defensive. For example, you might say “I feel insecure when you like other girls’ photos on Instagram. I know you don’t mean anything by it, but it’d make me feel better if you stopped” or “It hurts my feelings when you share your vulnerabilities with your dad instead of me. We’re a team.”
Is microcheating a big deal?
Microcheating may be a red flag, but it’s not a relationship ender. The grounds for whether or not microcheating is “a big deal” depends on the couple and the behavior. However, most times, microcheating is just a symptom of some other relationship issue that needs to be addressed: not feeling attractive, not feeling listened to, lack of trust, etc. Confronting microcheating head-on with empathy and clear boundaries can mend this crack and even make the relationship stronger.
How to Handle Your Partner's Microcheating
Have a conversation about boundaries. More times than not, microcheating occurs because you haven’t clearly addressed what you are and aren’t comfortable with in your relationship. To fix this, establish firm boundaries for what you consider flirting and how you expect to be treated. Then, ask each other questions to clarify and try and find compromises if you disagree. For example, you might say “Complimenting your co-worker on his outfit makes me uncomfortable.” They might respond with “He often compliments me first. Am I allowed to compliment him back?” This helps clarify how microcheating occurs, when it can be prevented, and when one of you may be overreacting.
Practice more open communication. One of the most common forms of microcheating is someone seeking emotional intimacy with somebody else. We often do this in relationships because we don’t feel understood or listened to by our current partners. Set aside some time with your s.o each week to effectively communicate how you’re both feeling. Actively listen by responding to how they feel in your own words to make sure the messages really get through. For example, if your partner says “I’m stressed because of work. My boss keeps dumping assignments on me,” you might respond with “That sounds stressful. Sounds like you’re a little frustrated too because you know you don’t deserve that intense workload.”
Increase your displays of affection for each other. Your partner may be seeking emotional intimacy from somebody else because they don’t feel particularly valued in their current relationship. After having a conversation about this, find more ways to express that you care about them. You might hug or kiss them more often, give them more heartfelt compliments, or get them more gifts now and then to show you’re thinking about them. Simple gestures of physical affection you can add to your daily life include backrubs, caresses, cuddles, hugs, hand-holding, kisses on the lips, and kisses on the face.
Spice things up physically and mentally. A common cause of infidelity is boredom. (This includes microcheating.) If you’ve been in the same routine for physical and emotional intimacy, this can feel dull which is causing one of you to seek excitement elsewhere. Make an effort to try something new once a week to keep things feeling fresh. Your new things can be big (traveling somewhere you’ve never been before), small (cooking a new meal), sensual (trying new things in the bedroom), or cerebral (taking a class together to learn something new).
Reconsider the relationship. The best way to handle microcheating is to have an open conversation about your needs in your relationship. Oftentimes, these discussions are fruitful. However, you may learn you’re more or less compatible than you thought and have to adjust your expectations accordingly. This doesn’t mean the relationship has to end entirely, but the relationship as you know it might. For example, if one of you needs affection and stimulating conversation at least 5 days a week and the other needs complete space at least 3 days a week, you may have to find somebody who can be there (at least emotionally) the other 2 days. If you have mismatched needs and can’t find a compromise, it’s best to end the relationship quickly and amicably. While it may be painful, you both deserve to be with someone who makes you feel valued as you are.
Go to couple’s therapy. If you don’t know where to begin when addressing microcheating and its underlying issues, try attending couple’s counseling. A professional will be able to mediate any arguments and keep you both accountable for your behaviors. Be completely honest in your couple’s therapy sessions. Your counselor can only truly help if they know what’s really going on. Share your insecurities, your fights, and anything else that will help them get a clearer picture of your relationship.
Go to therapy individually to work on self-esteem and trust issues. Sometimes, the behaviors themselves aren’t the issue with microcheating. It’s how you react to them. If you’ve dealt with liars or emotionally abusive people in past relationships (romantic or otherwise), it’s normal to feel insecure or anxious whenever your partner shares an emotionally intimate moment with someone else (even if it’s totally harmless). Talk to a therapist on your own to help provide you with the tools you need to work through those insecurities at your own pace. Look for a therapist who specializes in the types of issues you’re dealing with. For example, if your trust issues come from having unreliable addicts in your family, talk to a therapist who works with addicts.
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