- The 3-month rule is a 90-day trial period where a couple “tests out” a relationship to see if they’re compatible.
- During the 90 days, couples learn about each other’s likes, dislikes, and possible red flags.
- At the end of the 3 months, couples discuss if they want to pursue a long-term relationship. If not, they simply go their separate ways.
What is the 3-month rule in dating?
In dating, the 3-month rule is a trial period for a potential partner. First impressions aren’t always reliable when it comes to dating, which is why experts recommend getting to know someone before going steady. Think of the 3-month rule as a 90-day job evaluation. During this period, you date your partner while questioning their character, personality, values, and habits to see if they’d be a good match for you. The rule is a way to lower your expectations and examine any red flags that may pop up before making things exclusive. Most couples prefer to keep things strictly hands-free, saving sex for after the probation period. This way, couples can focus on their emotional chemistry rather than their physical connection. However, the rule isn’t matter-of-fact, as everyone has a different idea of what can happen during the 90 days—it all depends on you and your partner’s personal preferences. For instance, some couples will announce that they're dating during the trial period, while others prefer to keep things on the down low until the 90 days are up.
How to Follow the 3-Month Rule
Examine what you want and need in a relationship. Before starting a relationship and following the 3-month rule, it’s important to distinguish what you desire in a partner. Wants and needs are different things, and having an idea of what you’re looking for can help you find the perfect partner. Wants include a person’s job, traits, and physical attributes. For instance, you may want a partner who has a stable career, comes across as mysterious, and is taller than you. Needs are the qualities and values you seek in a person. For example, maybe you need a partner with a strong work ethic looking to raise a family.
Discuss boundaries with your partner. Tell your partner about the 3-month rule and what you expect from them. Basically, what can you both do and not do during the 90 days? Can you see other people? Is sex off the table? Lay down the ground rules before the 3 months start to make sure you’re both on the same page. Along with this, discuss what will happen if one of you breaks a rule during the 90 days. Perhaps the relationship ends, or you restart the 3-month trial period.
Go on dates. Use this time to get to know your partner better before making things official. So, go on as many dates as possible! Spend the weekends together, meet up after work for dinner and a movie, or just walk around the mall and chat. The more time you spend together, the better you’ll be able to tell if they’re the right match for you. Pay attention to what your partner likes and dislikes, then plan a date around their interests. For instance, if they mention that their favorite flower is a sunflower, take them to a sunflower farm. Ask them questions like, “What makes you laugh the most?” “What makes you feel fulfilled?” and, “What’s your love language?”
Look for red flags. Ninety-day dating trials help you see if you and your partner are truly compatible. Do you have the same love language? Are you able to communicate openly during an argument? Pay attention to what you like and dislike about your partner’s behavior and tendencies. If they show red flag behaviors within the 3 months, the relationship may not be worth pursuing. Common red flags include: They struggle to make commitments. They get jealous when you spend time with friends and family. They have a hard time talking about their feelings. They continuously ask for sex or sexual favors. They don’t want to spend time alone with you. They’re controlling.
Look for green flags. Notice what works well in the relationship. Do they make you breakfast every morning because they know your love language is acts of service? Have they respected your boundaries? Do you both enjoy spending the night in rather than going out? Consider how your lifestyles, attachment styles, and values affect your relationship. Common green flags in a relationship include: They show kindness and empathy. They have the will to learn and grow with you. They apologize and admit when they’re wrong. They prioritize you. They’re reliable.
Be confident in yourself. The best thing you can do during the 3 months is have faith in yourself. You’re one incredibly smart, beautiful, and amazing person! Own your worth—you deserve a partner who’ll treat you like a king or queen, so don’t hesitate to turn down anyone who will make you feel like anything but. Build confidence and raise low self-esteem by saying positive things about yourself. For instance, look in the mirror every morning and say, “I am beautiful” or “I am worthy of love.” Do your best to avoid comparing yourself to others. You’re unique and special in your own way—own it! Being like everyone else is boring, so just be yourself. Consider starting a journal to sort through your thoughts and learn more about yourself.
Come to a decision. After the 90 days are up, take some time to evaluate what you’ve learned. Do you feel safe around this person? Would pursuing a long-term relationship with them make you happy? If the 90-day period went well and a relationship with this person feels right, keep the relationship going. If things feel off or you’ve noticed a lot of red flags, consider seeing someone else. Have an open and honest discussion with your partner about how they’re feeling as well. If you’re divided on how you feel in the relationship, it may be best to move on.
How to Make Your Relationship Last After the 90 Days
Communicate openly and honestly. Your wants and needs are just as important as your partner’s. Rather than letting your partner guess what you need, tell them. Share how you’re feeling in the current moment—don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. After all, having good communication is the key to a lasting relationship. Speak clearly and use an even tone when communicating, even in an argument. This way, you can stay level-headed while getting your point across effectively. Use “I” statements to express how you’re feeling. For instance, you may say, “I like when you kiss me awake in the morning,” or “I feel like our relationship isn’t progressing. Could we talk about it?” Believe it or not, nonverbal body language plays a big part in communication. Crossing your arms typically means you’re closed off and not open to a conversation, while maintaining eye contact is a great way to say, “Hey, I’m listening.”
Be an active listener. Communication isn’t a one-way street. Listen to your partner actively to learn what they need and want. Set aside judgment and be willing to hear their side of any story. Remove all distractions from the room before talking and listening to your partner. That means no TV or phones—put all your attention on them. Try to avoid interrupting them while they talk. Nodding your head and saying a simple “yep” or “uh huh” is fine, but keep your full response for when they’re done talking.
Set personal boundaries. Creating healthy boundaries between you and your partner can help cultivate a long and lasting relationship. Clarify your expectations and needs with your partner right away, then ask them about theirs. Boundaries can look like: Holding hands in public rather than kissing. Communicating your sexual preferences. Expressing that you don’t want to talk about something personal. Saying “no” when someone asks to borrow your car.
Do things you enjoy together. One of the best ways to build a healthy relationship is to spend quality time together face to face. Introduce your partner to your favorite activities, and ask them to show you theirs. Scheduling time out of your busy schedules to go on exciting and new dates can help you continue to fall in love with one another. Enroll in a dance or fitness class together, schedule a weekend hike, or plan on seeing a comedy show or play every month. Quality time doesn’t have to be something above and beyond. It can be as simple as putting down your phones, turning off the TV, and telling each other about your days.
Spend time with friends and family. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to cut out all other relationships. During and after the 3-month rule, hang out with your friends and family as normal. Believe it or not, having a life away from your partner can help your relationship thrive. Schedule regular coffee meetups with your besties to catch up in person throughout the week or month. Sign up for a fitness or cooking class to meet new people outside your partner’s social circle.
Is the 3-month rule the same as the honeymoon phase?
The honeymoon phase and 3-month rule aren’t the same thing. While the honeymoon phase of a relationship happens at the start of a relationship, it typically doesn’t involve an evaluation period like the 3-month dating rule. The honeymoon phase is the happy early stages of a relationship, whereas the 3-month rule is spent weighing the pros and cons of the relationship. The honeymoon phase typically lasts 6 months to 2 years and makes you feel like you’re on Cloud 9 24/7. You and your partner may be in the honeymoon phase if you’re constantly happy around one another, actively avoid conflicts, and are always flirting.
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