How to Tell Family You're Not Going to Stay with Them

Being Clear This is What You Want

Make your decision clear with yourself and other immediate family members first. Is this really what you want? If relevant, are your spouse/partner and children happy with this decision too? Think through the reasons as to why you don't want to stay with family first and if need be, discuss this with people traveling with you to advise them of your decision and get feedback.

Find suitable accommodation. It won't help things if you phone or email ahead to say you're not staying with family, only to find the whole town is booked out. Be sure that there is something you can use and afford. It may be helpful to choose a place that is fairly close to where your family is. That way, you can spend a reasonable amount of time with them and then head off for bed and not have too far to travel. On the other hand, if the place is farther away, this might be the excuse you're looking for to spend even less time together.

Preparing for the Discussion

Talk directly. Do not email or text that you're not staying with your family this time. This requires a phone call or a Skype call, so that you can convey your message with kindness.

Tell the family members in plenty of time. This will give them the time needed to digest the change of usual plans, and it'll also ensure they're not out buying new sheets for the bed they thought you'd be sleeping in.

Prepare yourself beforehand. You may be breaking out in a sweat at the thought of your dysfunctional family's usual antics, but have courage that by making the decision to stay out of it and set boundaries on the time you'll be visiting, you've just bought yourself a healthy distance. Bear that in mind when your anxiety levels top out.

Telling Your Family Members

Approach the topic gently. Be compassionate when explaining your choice to stay elsewhere; remember that they're probably so stuck in the habitual way that things play out whenever you visit that this is likely to come as both a shock and possibly feel like somewhat of an insult. Some ways that you might approach this include: "Hi Mom. I've got something to tell you––I know we usually stay with you when we come to town but this year Jay and I've decided to rent a serviced apartment for the week. What with little Jason turning 5 and running around so much and Jenny being 3 and a total terror, as well as my pregnancy, I just thought it'd be kinder to you and dad not to have all of us bearing down on you the whole time. We've booked a place really close to yours, so we'll be able to pop back and forth all the time, and it also has this neat restaurant downstairs, which I thought we could all go to one time during the week, as a break from all the cooking. As it's serviced, we get someone else cleaning up after the kids' messes and that gives you and I lots of quality, non-cleaning time to spend together. I realize this is a big change from before but we've grown so much as a family that we just feel it's the right thing to do this time." "Hey Reg and Maude, thanks for asking us down this year. We've decided to do things a little differently this time by booking a motel room not far from you guys. We thought it'd be much easier to use this as a base for our holiday, as we're going to visit lots of sites and go out at night a lot and we didn't want to disturb you. We're close enough to come and see you plenty while we're in town and we thought it'd be nice if we all went out together one night to see the play at the local theater near where we're staying, if you'd like to. Please let us know what times of day are most convenient for us to call by and spend time with you."

Do not apologize for your decision. The moment you say something like "Sorry" or "I hope this is okay with you/doesn't upset you", you're admitting that you are doing something that your family members have a "right" to disagree to. They don't have this right and you don't need to feel sorry for them, or to apologize for your mature choice. Realize the things that you aren't burdening your family with by not staying, such as: Less cleaning work for them Less cooking work for them More genuinely happy connecting time when you're not spending way too much time in each other's presence, and less chance to repeat the old cycles of nitpicking, sniping, criticizing or whatever else comes up when you're in each others' laps all the time.

Realize that there will be genuine disappointment. To remove the standard stay from your visit, family members may feel slighted, cheated of an opportunity to spend time with you or even worried that you might return the favor at your end by forcing them to find paid accommodation rather than staying with you. Be prepared to reassure them to the extent needed but don't make compromises that won't ultimately work for you. In particular, stress how much quality time you'll definitely spend together by highlighting special events that you do intend to share with them, such as dinners or get-togethers. Mean what you say here, so don't overdo the promises unless you intend on keeping them. For example, if your intent really is to stop having these family members stay at your place on top of you not staying with them, don't go reassuring them that nothing has changed when they come and visit you. However, if that's not the case, by all means reassure them that they're still welcome to stay at your "super, large house" when they come to visit (and by implication, inferring that their house is too small for such visits).

Stay polite and don't buy into the usual button-pushing. If the reason for no longer staying with your family is surrounded by lots of in-fighting, criticism and put downs, be prepared to sidestep the emotional baggage that may come your way. Instead of responding in anger, righteously or sulkily, aim to stay upbeat and polite. You may need to fake it, especially if the family member really knows how to push your buttons but by staying polite and refusing to argue, cry or make excuses beyond your initial explanation, you don't leave them with a lot of ground to keep arguing. Breathe deeply to keep yourself calm. If you feel a resentful, angry or unhelpful comment bubbling up while explaining the change in plans, count to 10, breathe deeply and answer courteously instead.

Enjoy your separate accommodations. It may take some getting used to the first time but once it becomes clear to everyone involved that this is actually working very well, then it will break the ice and allow a new habit to form. Do your very best to keep visits to the length that you know you can handle and stay upbeat and polite during. That way, the whole visit will remain pleasant and tolerable for everyone.