Agreeing How to Spend Time Together
Set rules to minimize distractions from technology. Your boyfriend might physically be spending plenty of time with you, but may not be paying attention to you because he’s busy looking at his phone or computer. This infringes on your quality time together. Talk it over with him and set limits one when you can both utilize technology while together. “We both seem to spend so much time looking at our phones that we miss out on opportunities to spend quality time together. I’d like to suggest that we set some parameters for when we use technology when we’re together.” Consider banning phones from any meals you eat together. Put them on the counter, in another room, just make them inaccessible so that you two can talk with one another. Put your phones and tablets on “Do Not Disturb” or “Goodnight Mode” so that neither of you are compelled to check an incoming email or text message after 9 o’clock in the evening. You might want to compromise if your boyfriend’s job is dependent on being available on off hours. For example, many doctors must be on call and available to address patient issues over the telephone on evenings and weekends.
Establish a schedule. Talk to your boyfriend about your schedules and together, decide on days or activities that you’d regularly like to make time to be together. This doesn’t mean that you should only spend time together on those days, or that you’re even committed to always spending time together according to the schedule, but it does give you a nice foundation with which to work. You might plan on taco Tuesdays for dinner at a local eatery, Fridays going out for dinner and a movie, Saturdays going bike riding or hiking, and Mondays watching television at home. This will help you establish a foundation, but also help you have the conversation about how much time you feel each of you should make for the other.
Have a code word. While you two are talking about how much time you expect one another to make for the relationship, also come up with a code word that either of you can say if you’re uncomfortable with your partner’s behavior. Code words are discreet, quick, simple, and keep the conversation between the two of you. This is especially effective if one of you breaks the technology rules that you agree on. This is also handy if you’re in a group setting and he starts making plans with someone else for a time that you already agreed to spend together. Keep your code word simple, but also not an everyday word. You don’t want it to be so common that you both get confused. For example, “seltzer water” or “lamp shade” or “Professor Xavier” are simple but also unique enough that they won’t come up in everyday conversation, typically.
Look for alternative ways to communicate when you can’t be together. You and your boyfriend may have different schedules or responsibilities that prevent you from seeing one another as much as you like. This is a great opportunity to utilize technology, such as text messages, social media, or even video chat. Making time for one another doesn’t have to be only in person. This is particularly helpful if one or both of you is especially busy. For example, if he has frequent evening work engagements, he may simply be unable to schedule dinners with you regularly. Suggest, then, that you have late-night video chats after he’s done with his work commitments.
Communicating Your Feelings
Communicate your needs. You can show him what your expectations are for making time for each other, but you would also do well to tell him exactly how you feel and what you expect. Don’t attack him or point fingers. Cultivate an open dialogue and tell him how you’re feeling. You might begin with, “I need us to discuss our expectations of one another. I’m feeling like we have different ideas of how much time to put into a relationship and this has me feeling down and a bit insecure.”
Define your expectations. What do you want and expect out of a relationship? Ask yourself what sort of expectations you have about making time for one another. Also think about how you see that time being spent – actively doing things together or each doing your own thing but in the same house. If your vision of how much time partners should make for one another differs substantially from his, consider what sort of compromise is workable for you. Try saying something like, “My expectations for this relationship are that we will see each other at least a few days every week and that we will communicate in some way every day, but it seems like you might not want that much communication. I think we should talk about this and try to reach a compromise.” He may be a great guy, but if he can’t make the time for you that you want or need, it may be time to face that reality – this might mean breaking up, it might mean counselling.
Talk with him about his actions. The saying that actions speak louder than words is never truer than in a relationship. Your boyfriend may say that he misses you or wants to spend time with you – he might even make plans – but then something tends to come up and you’re left feeling a bit neglected. These actions show that he’s not prioritizing you appropriately. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or want to be with you. It simply means his actions are defying his words. Talk to him about this and point to specific actions. For example, you might say, “You tell me that you miss me, and you know that I miss you, but then when you do have free time, you spend it playing video games rather than spending quality time with me. Your actions make me feel as though I’m not a priority.”
Thinking About the Bigger Picture
Cultivate your friendship. Almost every romantic relationship requires some foundation of friendship to endure. After time, your friendship might take a back seat to your relationship and the everyday bustle of life, making the time you spend together even less frequent. Make a conscious effort to nourish your friendship with your boyfriend, which should naturally encourage him to make more time for you. For example, if you initially bonded because of a shared interest, like a game that you both enjoy, get back into playing the game with one another. Of, if you both share a love of the outdoors but just haven’t had time to get out like you used to, ask him to start hiking with you.
Evaluate him honestly. If your boyfriend is consistently not making enough time for you, it’s time to think about who he is. He might be a great guy, but he might not be emotionally ready or willing to be in the sort of relationship that you want. Perhaps he’s emotionally immature, or maybe he’s just selfish. Looking at him honestly for who he is will only help you in the long run. You might realize that he’s just not ready to spend as much time with you as you need or be able to be in a committed, adult relationship. That’s not a reflection on him as a person, but shows that you two are at different points in your lives.
Define your relationship. You and your boyfriend need to define your relationship, which is different than defining your relationship goals. You both need to communicate what you think your status is and what that status implies, and, more specifically, how much time you expect to make for the relationship on a day-to-day basis. You might find that you’re on different pages, which could explain why he’s not making enough time for you. You can simply ask him, “what do you see our relationship status as? And what does that mean to you?” If he says that he sees you as an exclusive couple, take the opportunity to ask him, “How do you envision a couple interacting on a day-to-day basis?”
Don’t settle. If you feel that your boyfriend isn’t making enough time for you, don’t rationalize or justify the behavior. These are your feelings, after all. Don’t settle for behavior that isn’t meeting your needs. His reasons for not making as much time as you would like in the relationship (work, family obligations, transportation, etc.) may be perfectly valid, but that doesn’t mean that you have to settle for them. Prioritize your needs. For example, if you feel that you need someone who wants to spend more time with you and your boyfriend is unwilling to spend more time with you, then you may want to end the relationship and look for someone new.
Talk with friends. If you feel that your boyfriend just isn’t making adequate time for you, turn to your friends. Talk with a friend whose judgment you trust about how you’re feeling. They should feel free to tell you that they agree with your assessment or that you’re overreacting. Friends are a great sounding board and can help you view the problem through another lens, helping you see another perspective. You might discover that the act of talking with a friend is all that you need to feel better. On the other hand, they can help you come up with a reasonable solution to the problem.
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