Evaluating Your Relationship
Ask the tough questions. It can be difficult when you are going through a rough patch, or are in a big fight, to not feel like your relationship is doomed. Before you go about separating yourself from the relationship, make sure you aren't jumping to inaccurate conclusions. Evaluate where your relationship really stands and where you think it is going. Figure out where you are emotionally and maybe where your partner is, before you start mentally detaching from the relationship. Once you begin to distance yourself it can be hard to come back. Ask yourself about the quality of your relationship. Are there more good times than bad times? Are you exhausted or unhappy because of the constant ups and downs?
Determine what has been done to work on the relationship. Consider what you have done to try and address whatever problems you have had. Be honest about who, if anyone, is committed to making the relationship successful. If the answer isn't both partners, then the relationship is likely not going to be saved. Have you talked about it with each other? How many times have you both tried to change things? Have you tried counseling?
Enjoy it while you can. If you have determined that your relationship is past the point of saving, then begin to accept that it will end. Instead of waiting for it to end, spend time focusing on the good things in the moment and the good things about your relationship. Use this time to discover what good memories you have, what you can learn, or what you can take away from this experience.
Preparing Mentally and Emotionally
Change the way you think about being single. Begin working on emotionally and mentally preparing yourself for a shift in relationship status. Instead of the "forever alone" mentality that sometimes comes along with a break up, think of it as a much-needed rest from the rigors of the relationship you've been fighting for. Try and change the word "single" in your mind into "free" and changing negative thinking into more positive thinking. Think about the bad parts of the relationship, and how it would feel to live free of those. Make a list of all the possible good things that you can think of about being free from that relationship as well as being free to be you in general.
Be kind to yourself. You may feel down or sad about the ending of your relationship, and that's okay. Allow yourself to grieve the end of your time with your partner. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you were just not a good fit for each other. Don't let the impending break up cause you to become sorry for yourself or depressed about your life. Love yourself the way you want to be loved, and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated.
Reframe the way you perceive "alone" and "loneliness." In many societies there seems to be a higher value set to being in a relationship or being married than being on your own. Due to that, and the pressure that comes along with it, people can get into relationships that are not healthy for them, or stay in relationships that don't make them happy. Have high standards, and keep them high. You are worth it! Ask yourself, "Didn't I feel lonely in this relationship anyway?" Remind yourself that being single or free from this relationship does not mean you are alone. You still have people in your life that are there for the long haul and truly care about your happiness.
Envision yourself happy. Create a mental or physical picture (draw, paint, collage, write, etc) of yourself and your life in the near future. Think about how your life would look with no traces of your soon-to-be-ex in it; with you happy and content. Being able to clearly visualize future changes will help give you something to work towards fulfilling while you work through the impending break up. What would you like to do? Is there a place you have been wanting to visit or see? What would you eat? Is there a restaurant or a type of food you liked but did have because he didn't like it? Who would you like to be with? Are there friends you have lost contact with? A dream relationship you have in your mind?
Remember who you are. People in relationships often get so enmeshed with their partner that they forget parts of who they are and become defined by the other person. As you are preparing for the break up, rediscover that person again. Try to spend time thinking about how awesome you are, and remembering all the incredible parts of you that may have gotten lost while you were in this relationship. Make a list of the qualities that make you, you; focusing on the positives. Think about your strengths. Rediscover hobbies or interests that you may have been neglecting. Choose to see this as an opportunity to reevaluate what you really want out of a relationship.
Changing Your Environment
Start clearing emotional triggers and clutter. Consider significantly downsizing if your room or apartment is filled with reminders of your relationship. While you are getting ready for this break up and during the time when you are healing from it you don't want to have constant reminders of the relationship or of your partner everywhere you look. Anything that you have of your partner's, place in a box for a friend to take to over after the break up. Anything that reminds you of them or your relationship that you would like to keep, should be tucked away in a special box, or gotten rid of entirely.
Redecorate. If ridding the area of mementos and memorabilia doesn't seem like it is doing enough, redecorate your space. While you are readying yourself for the impending breakup, think about how you would like your space to reflect this transition. Move the furniture around, or get new furniture completely. Choose a different color scheme. Change whatever you need to, to make the space feel fresh, comforting, and exciting to you.
Start a self-care routine. Staying healthy is especially important during a break up and getting into the habit of taking care of yourself now, will help you take care of yourself afterwards. Develop your self care routine and begin using it immediately. It will help you with the stress of the impending break up as well as the break up when it occurs. Stock up on healthy foods, and immune system boosting items like Vitamin C to guard your body against the affects your emotions can have on your health. Make sure you are going to bed at a reasonable time and getting an average of 8 hours of sleep per night. Develop an exercise routine. Exercise has been proven to help fight depression, increase physical health, and increase the production of feel-good responses in your body. Journal or write expressively about what you are going through.
Getting Ready to Embrace a Single Life
Come up with a plan of action for when the breakup happens. If you feel like you're going to be overwhelmed when the breakup occurs, you will want to make sure you have a plan in place to make the stress as low as possible for you. This is especially important if your impending break up involves someone you live with. Enlist a support network of friends and family members you trust. Make sure to give them a heads up about what's going on. Let them know you may need their help and keep their numbers accessible. Have someone be responsible for gathering any items your soon-to-be-ex has of yours and vice versa. Make an no-contact agreement with yourself in regards to your partner for after the break up occurs and try to stick to it. Have a plan for where you will stay and who will stay with you for a little while afterwards.
Pick some distractions for immediately after the break up. You will want to give yourself some time to be upset, but you should also plan for some comfort and distraction during that time as well. Set aside some movies you've been wanting to check out, or books you have been meaning to read. Binge-watch the latest season of a favorite show. Stock your refrigerator with one favorite comfort food you love.
End it yourself. If you have been preparing for the end of the relationship and you feel strong and at peace with your decision, consider ending it yourself. There's no need to drag something out that you are not interested in working on or isn't meant to be any longer. Instead of waiting around, unhappy, for your partner to open up the topic, take control of the situation. Speak to your partner face to face. Don't end the relationship over the phone or over text message. Talk about the relationship and how it has affected you. Try to avoid blame or judgment. Let them know why you are ending it and try to avoid cliché phrases such as “It's not you, it's me.”
Enjoy time with your friends. As you are preparing for this break up, take the time to reconnect with friends you may have lost touch with. It will not only help ease any stress you might be having about the break up, but will also help you move on post-break up, when you are ready. Trust your friends and let them help you through this. Whether it is hanging out with you eating ice cream and watching a movie, playing a game of basketball at the park, or going together to a party, allow them to support you and help you heal.
Avoid cheating and rebound relationships. You have been unhappy in your relationship, so it is easy to see how tempting it may be to seek out the affections of another person. Avoid looking for that type of comfort before your current relationship has been declared over. Even if your relationship is ending from a cheating partner, don't stoop to their level. Additionally after the break up give yourself some time to recover before looking for the stability of a new relationship. Be open-minded, meet new people, or check out a new scene, but honor yourself by not running to the next available relationship.
Comments
0 comment