Talking So That Your Parent Will Listen
Don’t whine or complain. Using a complaining tone of voice when you’re trying to explain your point of view with your parents will usually engage your parents’ emotions. Instead, try to use a tone of voice that’s friendly and respectful. Your parents are more likely to be able to respond in a respectful way when approached in this way. It can be very hard to keep your tone of voice respectful when you’re feeling upset. Rather than taking it out on your parents, try venting your frustration in another way. When you don’t feel like you can talk calmly, it’s okay to take a break. Go on a run, cry in your bedroom, punch your pillow, play with your dog - whatever helps you feel calm.
Be clear and direct. Talk as clearly as you can about what your feelings are. Sharing your feelings, thoughts, and ideas with your parents may not be easy, but it will help your parent feel like you’re really trying to connect with them. Give as many details as you can to help explain your point of view. Grounding your feelings and ideas in real life situations may help your parent understand your perspective better. Your parent is more likely to be able to be helpful if she genuinely understands your point of view.
Try to understand their point of view with an open mind. Your parents might be worried about your safety, your reputation, or your future. Usually, your parents’ frustration comes from their desire for you to live a happy life, even though it might not seem like it at the time. Before you respond to your parents’ criticism with anger, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself to consider their point of view. If you can see your parents’ point of view, say so. This will help your parents feel more understood. Your parents will be more willing to listen to your point of view if you’re willing to listen to theirs. Remember—it's okay if your parents see things differently. Everybody can have a different opinion!
Be honest. If you’ve got the reputation for being honest with your parents, they’ll be more willing to trust you to tell them the truth. If you act overly dramatic, if you lie to them, or if you sometimes hide (or stretch) the truth, they’re less likely to believe you - even if you’re telling the truth. It can take a long time to regain your parents’ trust if you’re caught lying. Even if you’re worried that your parents will be angry with you for telling the truth, it’s usually better to tell them the truth.
Appearing to Follow the Rules
Use polite language. Using rude language with your parents is almost always a guaranteed path to trouble. Fortunately, it’s very easy to avoid getting into trouble this way. Just use polite language, whatever that might mean in your family. Most parents like to hear “please” and “thank you.” They appreciate compliments. When you use polite language, your parents are less likely to look for your bad behavior. Using polite language even when you don’t feel like it is an important social skill that will come in handy when you’re an adult. You don't need to have a sophisticated vocabulary; just know what not to say. Even when your parent is saying something that you disagree with or which is upsetting, try to keep your calm.
Dress modestly. A lot of fights between teens and their parents start with disagreements about clothing choices.Teens may want to wear the same things over and over again, wear too little in the winter, or not dress modestly for school or church. Consider whether your parents’ concern is for your health and safety. If you really want clothing that your parents can afford, learn to shop for discounts and sales. Sometimes a compromise is possible. For example, you might choose to wear a short skirt with leggings, rather than bare legs. Or in another case, you might agree to wear skinny jeans 1/3 of the time, while baggy jeans 2/3 of the time.
Don’t get caught drinking. A lot of young people start experimenting with alcohol as teens, which can cause them to get in trouble with their parents. If you’re planning to drink alcohol, make plans to do it safely. Stay with people you know and trust. Never drive a car if you’ve been drinking at all, and never allow a friend who’s been drinking to drive you. Be aware of the hazards of binge drinking. Binge drinking is considered having more than 4 drinks (for a female) or 5 drinks (for a male) at least once within a 2-week period. Heavy binge drinking is considered 3 or more binge drinking episodes within a 2-week period. Consider talking to your parents about your desire to experiment.
Do well in school. If your grades and conduct in school are good, chances are you’ll be more able to avoid getting in trouble with your parents. As long as your school reports are consistent, your parents are likely to overlook any smaller misbehaviors on your part. Spending time developing organizational systems for yourself will be helpful. If you don’t have to rely on your parents to tell you what to do, keep you on top of deadlines, you’ll be less likely to get into arguments with them. Developing good study skills for yourself will help with your grades, and improve your relationship with your parents.
Develop good relationships with other adults. If you can build strong relationships with supportive teachers, you’ll be on the track to doing better in school. You may also find that the teacher will have insight for you in how to not get in trouble with your parents. Perhaps you have another relative, such as an aunt or uncle, who can help you when you’re struggling to get along with your parents. Not every conversation with an adult has to be deep and serious. Talking with an adult like you do with your friends can be a good way to start. Try to find things that you have in common with the adult.
Don’t take criticism personally. When someone offers you criticism, you can usually find something useful in it, as long as you don’t get caught in the trap of defensiveness. If you can communicate your perspective honestly, you might learn something from your parents’ feedback. To keep from taking criticism personally, try this helpful strategy: Write down what they said in one column, then allow yourself to write down what you don't agree with in a second column. In a third column, allow yourself to think about what part of what they’ve said might be right. You don't have to talk to your parents about this process. It's just for you to think about.
Avoiding Arguments
Don’t overgeneralize. One quick way to light the fuse of an argument is to say that your parent always or never does things a certain way. It might feel that your parent never lets you go to a friend’s house, but is that true? Even if it’s true for a particular friend, you’ve probably spent some time in your life with your friends. By overgeneralizing, you’re essentially telling your parent that she’s not a good parent. That’s not going to make her feel good. Stick to your own perspective. Telling her that you’re angry and disappointed that you can’t go to your friend’s house might bring better results.
Try to figure out the disconnect. When you feel like your parent is picking a fight with you, don’t argue back. Instead, try to sort out what your parent might really be trying to say. If your mom wants you to go to church with her, it’s probably important to her that you share her faith tradition. If your dad wants you to dress a certain way, he might be concerned about your reputation. Or maybe you want to take Italian classes but they want you to take violin classes. In that case, agree to take Italian culture classes. Your parents are probably just trying to get you to value the same things they value. You can choose your own values as you grow up, and you can live the life you choose. By understanding that your parents’ anger may be based on fear that you might be choosing different values, you can afford to cut them some slack.
Don’t get mad about consequences. When your parents ground you, or take away privileges (like phone or computer), they’re usually trying to make sure you experience pain as a consequence for something you’ve said or done. The purpose of the painful consequences is to keep you safe - so that you won’t do the thing again. If they didn’t care about you, they wouldn’t bother making consequences for you. It’s important to realize that your parent might be wrong - and that’s okay. They are doing the best they can. Remember that this consequence is temporary. It will pass.
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