How to Not Care What Others Think of You

Building Your Self-Confidence

Make a list of your strengths and accomplishments. Realizing that your self-worth comes from within is an important part of learning not to care what others think. One way to boost your confidence and get a better sense of your self-worth is to list positive characteristics about yourself.Counselor Trudi Griffin urges caution: "When we care too much about what others think of us, we often change our behavior to please someone else. Additionally, we project a nonverbal need for approval that can lead to a distorted power dynamic in relationships." Your strengths could be personality traits (e.g., kindness and patience) or skills that you have (such as being a good cook or a careful driver). Accomplishments might include things like making good grades, finishing a project, or getting a promotion at work. If you’re having a hard time thinking of things to put on the list, ask a supportive friend or relative to help you. You could also take the VIA character strengths survey online to focus on what gives you good character.

Replace negative thoughts with more realistic ones. If you’re used to dwelling on the negative or taking every harsh criticism to heart, it can be hard to retrain yourself to think positively. When you notice your inner voice getting negative, stop and assess those thoughts. Do they really make sense? If not, replace the negative thought with something more neutral and realistic. For example, if you find yourself thinking, “Everyone is going to hate me at my new school,” instead tell yourself, “Probably not everyone is going to like me, and that’s okay. Nobody can please everyone. If I make an effort to be kind and friendly, I’ll likely find people I get along with.” Learn to accept the weaknesses you have so you can improve on them.

Commit to improving on your weaknesses. All people have flaws, and that’s okay. Acknowledging your weak areas is an important part of personal growth. If you identify flaws in yourself, look upon them as an opportunity to better yourself, rather than dwelling on what’s “wrong” with you or what others will think. Taking action to improve will help you feel better about yourself and less worried about others’ perceptions of you. For example, if you are out of shape and this bothers you, set some attainable fitness goals, even if they’re small at first. You might start by planning to walk 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week.

Practice kindness for its own sake. Focusing more on others—rather than yourself—can ultimately help you feel better about yourself. Make an effort to be kind and considerate to others every day, without worrying about pleasing people or being repaid for your kindness. You’ll feel good, and even if others don’t thank you or judge you unfairly, you’ll know that you did the right thing. Try incorporating a few acts of kindness into your daily routine, even if they’re small things like holding a door open or complimenting someone on their outfit.

Establish appropriate boundaries with others. While it’s important to be kind to others, that doesn’t mean you should allow them to take advantage of you or mistreat you. If you’re not used to setting boundaries, it can be difficult at first. Ultimately, however, you’ll feel much better about yourself and more secure in your relationships with others once you’ve set some firm limits. Remember that it’s okay to say “no” sometimes. Be clear and direct with others about what your boundaries are and let them know what the consequences will be if those boundaries are violated. For example, “Mom, I’ll have to stop inviting you over if you’re going to argue with me about how I’m raising my son every time you visit.” You may encounter disappointment, anger, or resistance at first, especially if other people in your life aren’t used to you enforcing boundaries. However, people who really care about you should respect your boundaries, even if they aren’t happy with them. If someone consistently refuses to respect your boundaries, you may need to limit contact with that person.

Re-Focusing Your Attention

Specify what you’re worried about. Fears about what other people think of you can feel unmanageable if they’re big and vague. Try to hone in on what it is that you’re really worried about. This will not only help your anxieties feel less overwhelming, but will also get you closer to developing a strategy for dealing with them. For example, you may have a general fear of people judging you at work. Try to pinpoint your concerns more specifically. Are you afraid your boss doesn’t think you’re being productive enough? Are you worried that your coworker might be gossiping about you? Do you feel like you need more training or support at your job?

Determine what’s behind your specific fears. Once you’ve narrowed down what’s bothering you, think about where that fear comes from. In some cases, you may find that your concerns are rational. It’s also possible, however, that you’re hung up on anxieties that you learned at some earlier point in your life. With a little reflection, you may decide those fears are unfounded. For example, maybe you’re worried that people at your job will judge you because you have tattoos. If you’re in the kind of workplace where tattoos are considered inappropriate (such as a conservative law office), that might be a legitimate concern. If you have a job in an easy-going coffee shop where everyone wears body art, it’s probably okay if you have tattoos. Ask yourself if your anxiety comes from some other source, such as things you heard from your parents growing up (e.g., “If you get a tattoo, nobody will trust you!”).

Practice mindfulness. Being mindful means being more aware of your surroundings, thoughts, and feelings at any given moment. Making an effort to be mindful can help you feel more grounded at the moment, rather than worrying about what might happen or what other people may be thinking. If you find yourself worrying about what other people are thinking, gently steer your thoughts back to the here and now. Think about what you are doing, how you are feeling, and what you are trying to accomplish at that moment. Recognize your feelings and thoughts without judgment. Simply being more aware of what’s going on in your head can help you recognize and manage your anxiety more easily. Try doing mindful meditation to help you get used to being mindful all the time. Look for mindful meditation apps or find guided meditation exercises online.

Develop a strategy for dealing with worst-case scenarios. A lot of anxiety about what others are thinking comes from getting hung up on what might happen. You can help relieve some of these fears by coming up with a solution or a plan of action in case the worst does come to pass. For example, maybe you keep thinking, “I’m going to mess up my part of this group project, and then the other students in my group will hate me.” Ask yourself, “What would I do if I did mess up? What would help me feel better? How could I prevent it from happening again?” Even if the only solution you can think of is something simple, like “I would apologize for messing up,” that’s still a start. You will feel less helpless and anxious with even a basic plan in place.

Distract yourself by taking action. One great way to take your mind off of what other people are thinking is to do something productive. Getting busy with an important task will keep you focused on what you are doing, rather than on how others are (or might be) judging you. For example, you might: Finish a chore or project you’ve been putting off. Volunteer for a cause you support. Go out of your way to do something kind for someone (e.g., help a neighbor mow their lawn). Work on a hobby or creative project you enjoy. Spend some quality time with someone you care about.

Dealing with Criticism

Listen to criticism with an open mind. Criticism is often painful, but you may find it easier to deal with if you think of it as an opportunity for growth and improvement rather than something hurtful or discouraging. If someone says something critical to you, listen actively before you get defensive. You may actually find what they have to say helpful. Before getting upset or rejecting the criticism, consider: The source. Did the criticism come from someone generally supportive, whose opinions you respect? The content. Did the other person just say something vague or insulting (e.g., “You’re a jerk!”), or did they actually make a specific point about your behavior and how it affects them (e.g., “When you come in late, I feel distracted and it disrupts my work.”)? The delivery. Did the person attempt to be tactful and constructive with their criticism, or were they unnecessarily rude and harsh?

Reject criticism and judgments you know are unfounded. Just because someone has something critical to say to or about you, that doesn’t mean they’re right. Weigh their words carefully, but remember that you don’t always have to take other people’s opinions to heart. For example, if someone says that you’re lazy, but you know you have been working as hard as you can, remind yourself of that. You might say to yourself, “I’m not lazy. I may not be able to do everything that they can do, but that’s because everyone is different. I’m doing the best I can, and that’s okay.”

Take the high road when others judge or criticize you. If someone says something harsh to or about you, you may be tempted to lash out or get even. This is unlikely to accomplish much, however. Even if you don’t feel good about what they have to say, you’ll feel better (and others will be impressed!) if you can turn the other cheek and react with kindness and civility. Even if you don’t agree with what the other person said, you can still respond in a way that validates the person (if not their words). For example, you might say, “Thanks for the advice. I’ll think about that.” If the other person was trying to be rude or unkind, a kind response might unnerve them and make them think about how they are behaving. Even if it doesn’t, you’ll still come out of the encounter as the bigger person.

Acknowledge that others’ perceptions of you come from them, not you. If someone says or thinks something unkind about you, that says more about them than it does about you. You cannot change what other people think of you—only they can do that. Remember that all you can do is work hard to be the best person you can be, and accept that you will never be able to please everyone.

Spend time with supportive people. It’s hard for anyone to feel good about themselves if they’re surrounded by people who belittle them and bring them down all the time. If there is someone in your life who consistently puts you down, judges you, takes advantage of you, or violates your boundaries, you may need to cut ties with that person. Try to spend time with people who respect you and come from a place of love and support, even when they are being critical. If you’re getting a lot of negativity from someone you can’t avoid completely, like a coworker, try to minimize your time with that person as much as you can. Be civil or at least neutral when you have to be around them, but don’t seek them out.