- May-December relationships are relationships between two people who are at least 10 years apart in age.
- Make your May-December relationship work by sharing long-term goals early on, seeking out your common interests, and accepting your differences.
- Couples in May-December relationships might experience greater levels of trust and commitment and increased confidence compared to couples in other relationships.
What Is a May-December Romance?
A May-December romance is a relationship with a significant age gap. Specifically, social psychologists define this type of relationship as one in which one partner is at least 10 years older than the other. In some of these relationships, though, the age gap is even larger—as much as 20 or 30 years. In heterosexual May-December partnerships, the older partner is usually the man. The woman is the older partner in only about 1% of these relationships. Around 8% of male-female couples in Western countries have an age gap of 10 years or more, as well as 25% of male-male couples and 15% of female-female couples.
How to Make a May-December Relationship Work
Talk early on about your long-term life goals. If you and your partner are on the same page about your life goals, you'll be better suited to go the distance. While you might be at different stages in life, that doesn't mean that you can't support each other's goals and dreams—but you have to know what they are pretty early on in the relationship. For example, maybe your older partner is nearing retirement and wants to travel. You want to advance in your career but you also work remotely, so you're free to travel. This can be as simple as sitting down and talking about where each of you sees yourself in 5, 10, or even 20 years. That'll help you find common ground to move your relationship forward.
Manage your expectations about the relationship. Your relationship is more likely to work if you both have the same expectations and share the same relationship timetable. Have conversations early and often about what you want in the relationship and what you expect it to look like a few years down the road. For example, if you are ultimately looking to get married, you want to make sure that your partner is looking for the same level of commitment. This can also be an awkward conversation, but it doesn't have to be! It can be as simple as saying, "Hey, have you ever thought about getting married again at some point? I'm not saying tomorrow, but if we're still this close 5 years from now it's something I'd want."
Accept and embrace your differences. Most people don't like to talk about or think about their differences—they'd rather focus on the things they have in common. But if you're in an age-gap relationship, understanding your differences and embracing them from the outset will only make your relationship stronger. For example, if you grew up in different eras, you might both have drastically different tastes in music. Sharing your favorite groups with each other can help you understand each other better, even if you don't enjoy the same songs.
Surround yourself with people who support your relationship. If you believe that the people around you want your relationship to end, it will be less likely to stand the test of time. Keep the friends and family who support your relationship close and distance yourself from those who believe it's destined to fail. This might mean that you need to have some hard conversations with some people you love. But if they're willing to have an open mind, over time they might see just how great you and your partner are for each other. For example, if one of your siblings is skeptical of your relationship, you might say, "I know you think Matt doesn't have my best interests at heart because he's so much older than me, but he really cares about me a lot. Could you give him the benefit of the doubt?"
Be curious about each other. You're two different people who've lived drastically different lives—you can both learn a lot from each other! Ask each other open-ended questions and seek to really understand the different perspective that your partner has and you'll gain a lot. If you're the older partner, don't assume that you already understand what your younger partner is going through because you've gone through it already. Talk to them to learn how things might be different for them. If you're the younger partner, find out what it was like for your older partner to go through the same things you are. They were likely doing so at a different time and may have had a totally different way of doing things.
Seek out common interests proactively. Be on the lookout for things that you and your partner both enjoy so you can incorporate those things into your life. When you have shared interests, it makes it more likely that you'll grow together rather than apart. It also strengthens your bond with each other—especially if you're learning something new together. For example, if both of you love art, you might take a painting class together. Keep in mind your differing abilities and energy levels as well. You want something that you can potentially do together for years down the road, not just for the next few months.
Create space for each of you to pursue individual interests. While you definitely want to do things together, you don't want to do everything together! A significant age gap likely means the two of you have different interests and you should have plenty of time to enjoy those things with people your own age. For example, if you enjoy playing community league sports but your older partner doesn't have the stamina to participate, that doesn't mean you should give up something you love.
Show maturity and respect for each other. Age has nothing to do with emotional maturity, which is especially important in a May-December relationship. When you treat each other with respect and kindness, you'll find it easier to empathize with each other, even if you're coming from vastly different perspectives. Try to imagine situations from your partner's point of view. You might also talk to other people who are around the same age as them so you better understand their generation's perspective. Maturity can be a way in which age-gap couples actually have more in common than it would seem. Since women tend to emotionally mature faster than men, a younger woman might be at the same level as an older man.
Treat each other as equals. The stereotype with May-December romances is that the older partner is controlling or bossing around the younger one. Combat this stereotype by always treating each other as equal partners who are working together. If you're the older partner, always seek out the opinion of your younger partner before you make any decision that affects both of you. This will show them that you're treating them like an equal partner. Compromise when necessary for the good of your relationship. If one partner always gets their way whenever the two of you disagree on something, it can look as though they're not treating you as an equal.
Appreciate the different things you each bring to the table. People have different things to offer at different ages. An age-gap couple can truly maximize this so they get the best of both worlds—the energy and vitality of the younger partner combined with the wisdom and stability of the older partner.
Have patience with each other. Having patience is important in any relationship, but it becomes even more important in a May-December relationship. The older partner might want to rush the younger partner through things they've already figured out. Likewise, the younger partner might grow impatient with the older partner's ability to pick up new things quickly. If you're the older partner, try to let go and allow your younger partner to work out things on their own, even if you've already figured it out for yourself. As the younger partner, showing your older partner how to do things, especially with technology, will help the two of you work together better as a team.
Potential Benefits of a May-December Relationship
Greater levels of trust and commitment When you have to stand together as a couple against societal pressure or even pressure from family and friends, it can bring you closer together. Because of this, you're likely to feel more committed and like you trust each other more than you would in a relationship with someone closer to your own age. When other people criticize or question your relationship, it can help you feel closer and more committed to your partner because you have a feeling that it's the two of you against the world.
Increased confidence If you're the older partner, you'll likely feel a bit of a confidence boost based on your ability to capture the heart of someone much younger. But even if you're the younger partner, you'll likely feel more confident because you've managed to attract someone who has a lot more wisdom and experience. If you're the younger partner, you also might gain more confidence because you have a partner who's already been through the things you're currently going through. You know you can use them as a source of knowledge and lean on them when you need to.
Better communication For May-December couples, it's important to communicate well from the beginning of the relationship and get everything out in the open. Because you know your relationship will potentially draw criticism, you have that much more pressure to make sure you're both on the same page. This necessity can lead to better communication down the line.
Less drama and game-playing If you're the older partner, you're likely no longer interested in getting caught up in drama—you just want someone to love and share your life with. By the same token, if you're the younger partner and happen to want the same thing, a May-December romance just might be your ticket out of the dating game.
Less jealousy A May-December relationship is a conscious choice that you likely didn't fall into lightly. As a result, there's a lot of security there. You and your partner are likely to feel less jealousy because you feel more secure about your relationship and how your partner feels about you.
Fewer financial struggles While it's certainly not guaranteed, if you're the older partner, you're likely more financially secure than your younger partner. This can provide a lot of security for your younger partner, especially if they're just starting out in their career. Finances are often a big deal in any relationship, so it's a benefit to you if you don't have to worry about money as much.
Likely Challenges of a May-December Relationship
Judgement from others Unfortunately, a lot of people are really critical of May-December relationships. You might find that even close friends and family—people you've always relied on for support—are skeptical of your relationship and its chances to be long-lasting and rewarding for both of you. People in age-gap relationships might be uniquely sensitive to this criticism as well and worry that others won't think their relationship is appropriate. If you're the younger partner, be prepared for the criticism that your older partner is only using you, or that they want to control or manipulate you.
Different life experiences and memories With a big age gap, it's likely you and your partner didn't share the same experiences growing up. Because this shapes your perspectives so much, it can cause problems when you don't see eye to eye or understand each other. It also means you might not share the same foundational memories or core beliefs. For example, an older partner who grew up in the 1980s might have a hard time understanding what it was like for their younger partner to grow up with internet access and cell phones in high school.
Difficulty blending families If both you and your partner have children, they're likely of significantly different ages as well. It can be hard for them to adjust if you're trying to bring them all under one roof, especially for teenagers who suddenly find themselves living with little kids. If the older partner has children who are grown, there might also be some awkwardness if the younger partner is very close to their age.
Different life stages and career paths When you and your partner are closer in age, you tend to go through the same life stages at the same time. This makes it easier for you to continue to find ways to connect and grow together. If there's a significant age gap, though, you run the risk of growing apart more quickly. For example, the younger partner might be just starting out in their career while the older partner is getting ready to retire.
Problems with aging and chronic illness When you and your partner have a significant age gap, that means that the older partner could potentially have some serious health issues related to aging. This is especially likely if the older partner already has some chronic health conditions or other problems. If you're the younger partner, ask yourself if you're willing to be a caretaker to your older partner—because that's potentially going to be your role later on. You also want to make sure that you understand the older partner's wishes concerning hospitalization and end-of-life issues, just in case.
Different sex drives and energy levels Younger partners often have a lot of energy and a high sex drive. Depending on the age of the older partner, it might be hard for them to keep up! This can cause frustration for the younger partner, especially if they're used to leading a very active lifestyle.
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