How to Go from Introvert to Extrovert

Understanding Introversion and Extroversion

Recognize “introverted” traits. Introverts tend to be quieter people than extroverts. They often enjoy spending time with people, but would prefer the company of a close friend or two over a crowd of new people (don't compare it with shyness). Some of the differences between extroverts and introverts are likely because introverts’ brains process information differently than extroverts’ do. Despite common misconceptions, introverts do not “hate people,” and they’re not always shy. The following are some common introverted traits: Seeks out solitude. Introverts generally do just fine on their own. In many cases, they prefer to be alone, at least for most of the time. It isn’t that they’re afraid of other people; it’s just that they don’t feel as strong a need to be around others. Prefers less stimulation. This refers most often to social stimulation, but it can also refer to physical stimulation. For example, introverts actually produce more saliva in response to tasting something acidic than extroverts! Noise, crowds, and bright lights (i.e., your typical nightclub) are not things introverts commonly enjoy. Enjoys the company of a few people or quiet conversations. Introverts may enjoy socializing, but they usually find even pleasant social interactions make them tired after a while, and may prefer deeper conversations instead of small talk. Introverts need to “recharge” on their own. Prefers to work alone. Introverts often do not enjoy working in groups. They would prefer to work things out on their own, or collaborate with just one or two people. Enjoys routine and making plans. Strong introverts do not respond to novelty the same way extroverts do. Introverts may have a need for routine and predictability. They may spend significant time planning or reflecting before taking any action, even small ones.

Recognize “extroverted” traits. Extroverts like to be around other people. They are often very active, and they generally have a variety of things going on. A common myth is that extroverts can’t stand to be alone, but this isn’t true. They just experience their alone time in a different way. The following are some common extroverted traits: Seeks out social situations. Extroverts are usually happiest when they have a strong social network. They experience socializing as “recharging” and may feel depleted or down if they don’t have social contact. May enjoy sensory stimulation. People who are extroverts often have a different way of processing dopamine, which makes them excited or pleased when they encounter new and stimulating experiences. May enjoy attention. Extroverts aren’t any more vain than anyone else, but they don’t usually mind it when people pay attention to them. Feels comfortable working in groups. Extroverts may not always prefer to work in groups, but they’re generally comfortable with it and it doesn’t make them uncomfortable. Enjoys adventures, risks, and novelty. Extroverts enjoy and seek out new experiences. They may get bored easily. They may also jump into an activity or experience too quickly.

Recognize that elements of extroversion are biological. Research has shown that extroversion is linked to two regions in your brain: the amygdala, which is responsible for processing your emotions, and the nucleus accumbens, which is a “reward center” that responds to stimuli with dopamine. How you respond to risks and stimuli -- a key factor in extroversion -- is at least partly dependent on your brain. Several studies have linked dopamine function to extroversion. It appears that extroverts’ brains are more likely to respond -- and respond strongly, with chemical “rewards” -- when risks or adventures pay off. Extroverts are more likely to seek novelty and variation because of their dopamine function. One study showed that people with a specific gene that enhanced dopamine were more likely to be extroverted than people without that gene.

Take a personality test. The Myers-Briggs Personality Test, one of the biggest tests to use the introversion/extroversion dynamic, has to be administered by a professional. The test typically costs between $15-40 and can be taken online or in-person. If the price is too much or you don't think it's worth it, you can try a free online tests. There are numerous personality tests that were either based on the MBTI or otherwise measure introversion and extroversion. They aren’t as comprehensive or professionally valid as the MBTI, but they can give you an idea of where on the introversion or extroversion continuum you usually fall. 16Personalities has a short, helpful personality test that’s free. In addition to telling you your “type”, it will help you understand some common strengths and weaknesses associated with your dominant traits. You can take the test at http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test.

Figure out whether you are introverted or shy. One common myth about introverted people is that they’re painfully shy. The flip side of this myth is that extroverted people are always party animals. Neither of these is always true. Shyness stems from a fear or anxiety over social interaction. Introversion stems from a lower innate need to socialize. Introverts score low on initiating socializing, but they also commonly score low on avoiding it. Research has shown that introversion and shyness have a very low correlation -- i.e., being shy doesn’t mean you don’t want to be around others, and not wanting (or needing) to be around others doesn’t mean you’re shy. Even extroverts can be shy! Shyness is a problem when you feel that it causes you anxiety or interferes with what you want to do. Support groups and self-acceptance training may help you overcome troublesome shyness. Wellesley College offers a free version of a shyness scale used in research here. The quiz calculates your shyness based on a series of questions such as: Do you feel tense when you’re around others (especially people you don’t know well)? Do you want to go out with others? Do you feel afraid of being embarrassed or not knowing what to say? Do you feel more uncomfortable around members of the opposite sex? A score of above 49 on the Wellesley scale indicates that you are very shy, a score of 34-49 indicates that you are somewhat shy, and a score below 34 indicates that you are not very shy. You can use this tool to assess whether you feel that you should work to become less shy. Remember that you can be both shy and introverted.

Getting Outside Your Comfort Zone

Find your optimal anxiety. Psychologists say that there is a zone of “optimal anxiety” (also known as “productive discomfort”) that is just outside your comfort zone. The theory behind optimal anxiety is that the presence of limited anxiety actually increases your productivity. For example, many people do very well when they begin a new job. Because the new job is somewhat uncomfortable for them, they put in extra attentiveness and devotion to prove to themselves and their new boss that they can do the job. Finding your zone of optimal anxiety can be tricky; it involves self-monitoring to find the point at which the anxiety overwhelms the productivity. An example of stepping outside of your zone of optimal anxiety would be starting a new job without the training or qualifications required to do the job effectively. In this case, the anxiety about not performing effectively would likely overwhelm any potential for productivity.

Push yourself a little bit. Pushing yourself a little bit past your comfort zone can help you learn new things and accomplish things you hadn’t thought possible. Becoming comfortable with getting outside your comfort zone will help you embrace your more extroverted traits, such as enjoying novelty. Don’t push yourself too far, though -- and take your time. Too much extension past your comfort zone creates more anxiety than is helpful, and your performance will plummet. Try to start small. For example, if you’re usually a quiet steak-and-potatoes-for-dinner person, jumping straight to eating still-beating cobra hearts in front of a crowd probably isn’t a good idea. Try a step that’s just slightly outside your comfort zone, such as going for sushi with a friend and trying a roll you’ve never had before.

Get comfortable with challenging yourself. Set yourself a challenge to try one new thing per week (or whatever level works for you) so that you’re regularly committed to change. One of the benefits of pushing yourself just past your comfort zone is that you will become accustomed to the optimal anxiety that creates. As you teach your brain to embrace novelty, trying new things will become less uncomfortable. Acknowledge that you may be uncomfortable with these challenges, especially at first. The point is not to immediately feel great about trying things that may be new to you. The point is to acknowledge to yourself that you’re up to learn new things.

Do something spontaneous. One trait of extroverts is that they love new experiences and adventure. Introverts, on the other hand, like to plan and think through every detail before taking action. Push yourself to let go of strictly managing your time and plans. This doesn’t mean you should drop everything and suddenly make an unplanned trip across the world (unless you want to, there's nothing wrong with that). As with everything else, start small and familiarize yourself with small spontaneous actions. For example, swing by a coworker’s cubicle and ask if he/she wants to get lunch with you that day. Take your romantic partner out for dinner and a movie without planning where you will go or what you’ll see. Small actions like these will help you get more comfortable with spontaneity in safe, rewarding situations.

Plan ahead for group interactions. When you know that you will be in public or leading an activity or a meeting, or when you will be in a large group of people, prepare and organize your thoughts. This will reduce anxiety and stress.

Flex your social skills. A common myth is that extroverts are “better” at socializing with others than introverts. This isn’t exactly reality. However, others may initially perceive extroversion as more positive because extroverts tend to seek out interactions with others. Challenge yourself to seek out at least one interaction in the next potential social situation you are in. Speak to one person at a party. It may seem overwhelming to try to “work the room” like a strong extrovert might. Instead, plan to speak to one person. Introduce yourself by saying something like, “I don’t think we’ve met, I'm...” Look for the other “wallflowers.” They may be introverted, or they may just be shy. Saying hi to them may be the beginning of a great friendship, but you won’t know until you try. Embrace your vulnerability. If you’re uncomfortable approaching strangers, start off with that! Making a humorous comment about your nervousness -- e.g., “I never know how to break the ice at these things” -- can help defuse tension and encourage the other person to engage with you. Plan a few pieces of “chat”. Introverts generally like to plan ahead, so prepare a few conversation-starters for the next time you’re out. These don’t have to be corny or creepy. Try open-ended questions that require more than a yes or no answer. For example, “Tell me about what you do” or “What is your favorite thing to do around here?” People enjoy talking about themselves, and open-ended questions invite them to engage with you.

Find the right social situations for you. If one of your goals is to make new friends, you’ll need to find ways to do that. There is no rule that says you have to go to nightclubs or bars or any other place unless you want to. Extroverts don’t all have a special clubhouse where they hang out. (In fact, some extroverts are shy!) Consciously consider the types of people you’d want to have as friends. Then, look for social situations where you might encounter them -- or create your own. Invite a few friends to a small get-together at your house. Invite each friend to bring a friend of theirs, preferably one you haven’t met before. This way, you’ll meet new people in a comfortable setting with people you already know. Expand online relationships and socializing into face-to-face socializing. If you use forums, for example, you could focus on local ones and search for opportunities to meet up offline. You won’t be meeting people who feel like total strangers that way. Remember, strong introverts are often easily overstimulated. You won’t be able to get to know people if you’re also fighting a variety of distracting stimuli. Choose places and situations that are comfortable (or just slightly uncomfortable). You’re more likely to socialize when you feel comfortable.

Join a workout class. You can still respect your introvert tendencies, of course. For example, a class in yoga might be perfect for you, since yoga involves a focus on inner meditation and quietness. Befriend the person next to you, or ask the instructor a few questions. Remember, you don’t have to speak to every person in a room to embrace your more extroverted traits.

Join or start a book club. This is a great way to turn a solitary activity into a social one. Book clubs will allow you to share your opinions and thoughts with others who have similar interests. Introverts often enjoy deep conversations with a small number of people, and book clubs can fit the bill. Book clubs usually meet infrequently, such as once a week or once a month. Because of this, they can be good for introverts, who generally don’t want to socialize as often. If you don’t know where to find a book club, look online. Goodreads.com functions as an online book club, where people have discussions and share opinions. Goodreads also lists many local book clubs. Find a group that seems to mesh well with your interests.

Take an acting class. It may surprise you to learn that many famous actors are strong introverts. Robert De Niro is highly introverted, yet he is one of America’s most famous actors. Emma Watson of “Harry Potter” fame also describes herself as quiet and introverted. Acting can allow you to take on a different “persona” and explore behaviors that you might not feel comfortable with yourself in a safe environment. Improv classes can also be helpful for introverts. Improv will teach you to think on your feet, develop flexibility, and say “yes” to new information and experiences. One of the key concepts of improv is to accept whatever is thrown at you and run with it -- a skill that will definitely help you push past your introvert comfort zone.

Join a musical group. Joining a musical group, such as a choir, band, or even a barbershop quartet, can help you make new friends. Playing and listening to music can build strong friendships. These activities can be good for introverts, since the focus on the music can take some pressure off of you to socialize. Several famous musicians are introverts. Country legend Will Rogers and pop star Christina Aguilera are just a few examples.

Allow yourself down time. After you’ve pushed yourself to embrace a social situation, be sure to give yourself some quiet time to mentally and emotionally recover. As an introvert, you need “down time” in order to feel refreshed and ready to socialize again.

Handling Interpersonal Relationships

Check in with others. Introverts can sometimes forget that not everyone feels “recharged” from being alone. Remember to check in with friends and loved ones, even if just to say “hello.” Being the person to initiate that contact is a more extroverted trait, but it’s not so hard to do with a little practice. Social media can be a good way to practice making the first move in your relationships. Send a friend a friendly Tweet. Post a funny cat picture on your sibling’s Facebook wall. Initiating contact with other people, even in small ways, will help you embrace your extroverted side.

Set guidelines for social interaction. If you’re in a relationship with someone who is more extroverted than you are, you can ask them to help you embrace your extroverted traits. However, you will benefit from discussing what you like and don’t like about socializing. Set guidelines for how you will manage your different needs. For example, an extrovert may really need to frequently socialize with others to feel fulfilled. Even though you’re trying to be more open and outgoing, you still may not want to socialize as much as your partner. Allowing your partner to go out on his or her own sometimes will let you stay home and recharge, so you’ll both be happy. You can ask your partner to invite you to social occasions. Even if you don’t necessarily feel thrilled to go, try to go out occasionally. Having someone you know and trust with you will help you feel more at ease.

Tell the other person how you’re feeling. Because they can be very inner-focused, introverts may not always remember to express their feelings to others. It can be hard for other people, especially those who are very extroverted, to tell if you’re enjoying yourself or if you’re desperate to hide. Tell other people how you’re feeling before they have to ask. For example, if you’re at a party with a friend, tell him or her “I’m having a great time!” You may naturally be more reserved or quiet, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a complete mystery. Similarly, if you run out of gas at a social gathering before others -- and you might -- be clear about that too. You can say something like, “I really enjoyed myself, but I’m getting tired now. I’m going to head home. Thanks for a great time!” This way, others will know you had a good experience, but you can also stand up for your need to go home and recharge.

Respect your differences. Introversion and extroversion are just different ways of being. One isn’t superior to the other. Don’t put yourself down for responding to situations in a different way than your friends or loved ones do. Similarly, don’t judge others for how they respond to situations. It’s unfortunately common for extroverts to stereotype introverts as “people haters” or “boring.” It’s equally common for introverts to generalize all extroverts as “shallow” or “chaotic.” Don’t feel as though you have to put down the “other side” to appreciate who you are. Each type of person has strengths and challenges.