Asking your Boyfriend to Move Out After a Breakup
Make sure that this is the right decision. Relationships are complicated, messy, and involve a lot of strong feelings, and asking someone to move out is an action that can't be undone. Before taking the step of asking your boyfriend to move out, make sure that this is the best decision for you. When considering this, it's OK to put your personal needs above the “needs” of the relationship. Ask yourself: Is the relationship healthy? Do you still enjoy spending time with your boyfriend? Do you still have strong feelings for him?
Talk to your boyfriend honestly and calmly. Find a place where you can talk in person (not over the phone or texting), and where you will not be interrupted. Treat him politely, and explain the reasons why you feel that the relationship is no longer working and should end. It's important that this is a calm discussion; if you try to break up and ask him to move out during an argument, tempers will flare and you both may feel hurt by the other. This will make the break up and moving-out process more painful.
Avoid statements that place the blame on your boyfriend. Even if you feel that your boyfriend deserves a share of the blame (which he probably does!), focus your talking points on your own emotions and your experiences. This will allow you to express yourself without presuming to understand your boyfriend's motives and reasoning; he may not have understood the way you felt before, either. Instead of prefacing your remarks with “you” (e.g. “you make me angry”), try to preface them with “I.” For example, try saying something like: “I feel disappointed when the utility bills are paid late every month.” “I feel like we don't invest as much time in our relationship as we used to.” “I feel as if you don't treat me with as much respect as you used to.”
Be clear about what you want. If you aren't direct and clear with your boyfriend, you may end up confusing him and making your own position more awkward. It can be uncomfortable and painful to ask a former partner to move out, but vague wording will only make the situation worse. Even if it's more painful in the moment, direct statements will limit misunderstandings and save you from having future conversations about this in the future. At some point during the conversation, you should say something like: “I would like for you to find a different place to live.” “I don't think that this living arrangement is working anymore; I'd like you to move out.” “I'm not willing for us to live in the same apartment anymore.”
Establish a timeline for him to move out. It can be tempting to ask your boyfriend to move out, but, in order to spare his feelings, to leave the timeframe open-ended. This often ends up hurting more than it helps; he may drag his feet and end up staying in your apartment for months. It will be beneficial to both of you if you establish a firm timeline: ask him to find another apartment within a month, and insist that he has all of his belongings out of your place within six weeks.
Asking your Boyfriend to Move Out without Breaking Up
Define how you want your relationship with your boyfriend to work. Many couples find that, after living together for a few months, they still have strong feelings for each other and want to stay together as a couple, but struggle to actually live with one another. It is possible to keep a relationship together—the relationship may even become stronger! You should still be clear about what you want; try saying: “I still want this to be a serious relationship; I care deeply about you.” “I still want to see you regularly (or 'a few times a week,' etc.), but I would like more space than I have now.” “I want you to still feel welcome here, and I want to feel welcome at your new apartment."
Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Asking someone to move out is usually thought of as a negative act, and associated with breakups and unhappy feelings. If you're planning to stay together as a couple, it will be important to the health of your relationship to focus on the good things about your relationship. For example, explain to your boyfriend the ways that living separately will strengthen your relationship. Try saying: “I think that us living in separate places will allow us to have more feeling of romance and affection in our relationship.” “I feel like you and I will have less conflict and fewer arguments if we don't live together.” “I think you and I will grow closer to each other if don't spend all of our time together.”
Protect your boyfriend's feelings. This is a sensitive and emotional issue, and should be treated as such. Your boyfriend may be hurt that you are asking him to move out, or confused about how this new phase of your relationship is going to work. Remember that relationships involve compromise—if he moves out at your request, you may need to make other compromises in the future. Talk to him and let him know that he's still important to you; make your reasoning clear, then ask if he has any concerns about how moving out will affect your relationship. Let him know that you see this as a step forward in the relationship; things are improving between you and him, not getting worse. Shortly after your boyfriend has moved out, spend extra time with him or buy him a gift to show that you care about how he feels. Try to keep most other aspects of your relationships stable.
Create your own personal and social space. If you're staying together after asking your boyfriend to move out, you and he will need to establish some boundaries. Many couples feel that they lose important parts of their personal identity and social lives while living with a partner; talk with your boyfriend about how you and he can each maintain a distinct personal and social life.
Plan for the future. Now that you don't live together anymore, how will the relationship work? What will it look like on a day-to-day basis? How often will you see one another? This should not only be a conversation that you have inside your head—sit down with your boyfriend and discuss specific activities that you and him can routinely do together that will help your relationship feel fun and normal, and allow you both to get used to the new living situation. For example, try saying: “I think it would be fun if we had weekly date nights.” “We should spend time together meeting new people outside of our usual social circle.”
Moving your Boyfriend Out when Domestic Violence is Involved
Take action immediately. Don't wait for your boyfriend to change or to treat you better. If you live with your boyfriend and he is abusive or violent, it's important that you end the relationship immediately and get away from him as soon as possible. The abuse is not your fault and you should never blame yourself for being abused—but you do need to be proactive and take the first steps to move your boyfriend out.
Ask your boyfriend to move out. It's important that you do this in a safe space (preferably out of your shared apartment/house) and with a friend or family member with you. You should be clear and direct; explain that you need your boyfriend to move out as soon as possible, and that you do not want to have any contact with him after he moves out.
Contact the police and get a restraining order. If your boyfriend is not willing to move out, or becomes angry, violent, or unstable, you should immediately call the police—primarily for your own safety. Obtain a restraining order; if you own the apartment or house that you share, this will keep him from returning and will also let you keep your own living space. Further steps include: Change your locks. If your boyfriend has a key, this will prevent him from intruding into your living space. Call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (1-800-799-SAFE [7233]) or visit their website. This center can provide you with advice and support.
Move yourself out, if your boyfriend refuses to leave. If your abusive boyfriend owns that house or apartment that you share with him, or is otherwise unwilling to move out, you may need to move out yourself. Your own safety should be your first priority; it's not worth sacrificing your mental and physical safety just to continue living with your boyfriend. If you need to, temporarily stay with your family or friends while you or your boyfriend (separately) look for new places to live.
Don't allow your boyfriend back into your life—or your apartment. It can be difficult to end a relationship, especially one that has been founded on mistreatment. However, just as in any non-abusive relationship, you decision to move your boyfriend out needs to be final and permanent. Even if he threatens or begs to move back in with you, do not let him. Instead, continue to live on your own, and look to your family and friends for personal support.
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