Adjust Your Mindset
Give yourself time to grieve. It's okay to make time for a mourning period -- don't think that you need to rush back into all of your usual activities, immediately hang out with your friends, and do exactly what you always did right after your break-up. If you don't make time to be alone or with a close friend, to cry, and to reflect on everything that happened, it'll actually keep you from getting closure and forgetting your ex. It's natural to be sad and mopey for a while. Don't be in denial about how much you've been hurt. If you want to be left alone for a little while, let your friends and family know so they can give you space. Just don't be left alone for too long or you may indulge in your sad feelings.
Don't think about the great times you had. You can reminisce about these once you've moved away from everything else that reminds you of him; eventually, they will be fond memories, but right now they're just going to make you feel sad and lost. Try to avoid daydreaming or recounting some of the amazing days you spent together. You may be able to appreciate those special moments in the future, once you've gained some perspective, but not now.
Remind yourself why it ended. Instead of thinking about how great your relationship was, think back to all of the bad moments you shared, and remember all the reasons why the relationship didn't work. Remember the fights, the incompatibility, or any of the reasons why your relationship ended. Though you may miss him, keep telling yourself why it wasn't meant to be. Though you shouldn't obsess over all of the bad times you had, you can conjure a bad moment any time you catch yourself having warm and fuzzy feelings about your ex.
Don't blame yourself. It's natural to reflect on the relationship and the things that went wrong, but don't waste your time trying to blame yourself for what happened. Even if you feel that you did something or acted in a way that made your ex want to end the relationship, don't think about how you could have acted different. Accept that it's over and that there's nothing you can do to turn back time. Letting go of your regret is a big step towards forgetting your ex. If you're obsessing over what could have been or what should have happened instead, you'll be too wrapped up in the past to think about the future.
Think about all of your good qualities. Make a list of what you love about yourself. When you are done with that list, make another one of all the bad qualities of your ex. Look at both of them and let yourself draw the conclusion that he doesn't deserve you, and that your separation was necessary. You will have more self-confidence knowing that your ex is really a jerk or a pig. You will be thankful that you broke up with someone that has the qualities that make him an unfit boyfriend. Making a list of all the things you love about yourself will also help you develop confidence, which is exactly what you need when you're going through a break-up.
Try to be positive. Though maintaining a positive attitude may sound like the last thing you want to do, if you focus on the silver lining in the break-up, you'll be able to enjoy your life more quickly and to adjust your perspective. Catch your negative, whining, or doom-laden thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts about the things in life you're looking forward to, the pleasure you take from your friends and family, and all of the reasons why there's hope ahead. Any time you catch yourself having a negative thought, try to counter it with two positive thoughts. Spending time with positive people will also help you feel more positive. Seek out the people who make you feel good about yourself and the world. Make a list of all of the things you're grateful for. This will make your world seem a lot less bleak.
Cut Him Out of Your Life
Get rid of the things that remind you of him. First, put all of your ex-boyfriend's things in a box or suitcase and get them back to him immediately. Ideally, a friend can deliver the items to him so that you don't have to see him. This will keep you from touching his belongings, or trying to smell his scent. Then, get rid of anything that reminds you of the memories you share -- from photographs, CDs he burned for you, gifts he gave you, or mementos from any trips you took together. It may hurt knowing that those were the only things you had left of him, but you should also know that it's the right thing to do. You will feel a sense of accomplishment after you do this and it will be you first step towards healing. If you really would like to treasure the memories of your relationship and to return to them one day, put them in a box and place it out of your sight -- you can put it in storage or leave it at a friend's house. Just avoid the temptation to open it at all costs. Expert Answer Q When asked, “What’s the best way to forget about your ex?” Amy Chan Amy Chan Relationship Coach Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals in just 7 years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times. Amy Chan EXPERT ADVICE Answer from Amy Chan: Amy Chan, the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, responded: “The best thing you can do is to get rid of all the things that remind you of your ex. If that’s too overwhelming at first, put them in a box and ask a friend if you can leave it with them.”
Stop communicating with him. Though you may think that talking to your ex will make you feel better because you miss him so much, it will only make you feel a million times worse. Every time you hear his voice, you'll feel sadness, regret, bitterness, and a slew of other negative emotions that will send you spiraling downward. Unless you have to talk to him for logistical reasons, like figuring out what to do with your shared car or apartment, you should stop talking to him and seeing him completely. Don't think that the mature thing to do is to meet up with your ex for coffee every week or two. This will only cause you more pain. If he really insists that you should try to "be friends," tell him that this is not an option for you. You can do the "just friends" thing when and if you're ready, but this can take months, or even years. Stop texting or calling your ex. Even if you thought of something that really reminded you of him, hold off. Though you may want to make him think you could care less if he's around, avoid any social gatherings or places where he might be for a while. It may be less convenient to avoid him at all costs than to run into him once in a while, but it will be much better for you.
Spend time away from social media. If your ex is active on social media, then you should spend some time away from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or any other websites that will let you see what he's thinking, doing, or saying. Reading his posts or seeing photos of him will drive you crazy, and will make you worry about how quickly he's moved on, or to suspect that anything he posts just means that he's already found someone else. If you really love social media, then block him if you have to. This may not feel like a mature move, but it's better than spending hours staring longingly at his Facebook page.
Avoid asking about him. Even if you and your ex-boyfriend have a million mutual friends, you should avoid asking about how he's doing -- or, worse, asking if he's seeing anyone else -- this will only make you want to be near him even more. And if you're always asking about him, it's likely that he's going to find out. If you do have a lot of mutual friends, you can even tell him that you'd prefer it if they didn't mention him too much around you. Though this may sound like an extreme move, they'll understand and will make you feel better.
Avoid doing the things that remind you of him -- for a while. If you really want to forget your ex-boyfriend more quickly and cut him out of your life, then you have to stop doing the things you loved to do together, even if you love doing them on your own. If you loved going hiking with your boyfriend, maybe lay off on the hiking for a while; if you loved listening The Rolling Stones with him, take it easy on the classic rock for a while. This includes going to your favorite restaurants or favorite hangouts. Do whatever you can to avoid thinking about him, or wishing he was there with you. You'll eventually be able to go back to doing everything you want to do, but for now, it's better to find something new to occupy your time. If you and your boyfriend were addicted to a few TV shows together, take a break from them and read a book instead. Of course, you shouldn't stop doing absolutely everything you loved to do just because it'll help you forget about your boyfriend. Just work on finding a new routine that doesn't make you think about him all the time.
Switch up your environment. If you really want to cut your ex-boyfriend out of your life, then you should try to switch up your environment so you no longer feel like he's lingering in the air. Rearrange the furniture in your room or apartment and get some plants to spruce up the place. Pick a new painting to hang up on the wall. That way, it'll be harder for you to remember what it was like when you hung out with your boyfriend there. If you really need to switch up your environment, go on a short trip or even a mini-vacation. Going to a completely new place that has nothing to do with your boyfriend will help you cut him out of your life.
Enjoy Life Again
Seek support from your family. Unlike your ex-boyfriend, your family will always love you and will be there for you. Now that you're single, you can also spend more time focusing on maintaining a strong relationship with your family. Spend more time at family meals, helping your family around the house, and having meaningful conversations with your parents or siblings. This will make you feel much better about your break-up and will give you something to look forward to. If you live far away from your family, you can still make more of an effort to be in touch with them. Spend more time making phone calls, Skyping, or sending cards to your relatives for special occasions.
Enjoy your time with your girlfriends. This will allow you to feel better and quicken the healing process. No matter how gloomy you feel after your relationship ends, sometimes a little bit of fun with your female friends is the perfect remedy for a fractured heart. So go shopping, go to the movies, and enjoy a great conversation over a bottle of white wine. Taking your mind off of things is guaranteed to lift your spirits, even if it's only for an hour or two. Tell yourself that now that you don't have to worry about your boyfriend all the time, you have more time to focus on your female friendships. Open up. Talk to your girlfriends about how you're feeling and let them make you feel better. Just remember to have fun -- if you're spending all of your time with your girlfriends crying about how much you miss your ex-boyfriend, both you and they will grow weary. You can also use this healing time as an opportunity to develop closer bonds with acquaintances. If you've always really hit it off with that girl in your English class, then you should invite her for tea or a cup of coffee.
Keep a busy schedule. Though the last thing you may want to do when you're getting over a break-up is to be busy, it's the easiest way to force yourself to get over your ex-boyfriend. If you're sitting at home in the dark all day with nothing to do, of course you'll spend hours wondering what your ex-boyfriend is up to. But if have a packed routine filled with fun hangouts, a solid workout routine, as well as time to do your work or schoolwork and to pursue your interests, you won't have time to mourn your failed relationship. Try to fill your planner so that you have at least one thing to look forward to every day. This will make you feel much less hopeless. Keeping a busy schedule does not mean being occupied or hanging out with others constantly until you have no time to catch a breath. You should always leave some time for being alone and reflecting -- just not too much.
Get some exercise. Though it may sound silly to work out in order to get over a guy, you'll feel much better if you develop a healthy exercise routine. Exercising for just 30 minutes a day can have wonderful benefits for your mind and body. If you're really committed to getting over your ex, then set up a regular workout routine, doing whatever form of exercise you enjoy, and stick to it. Plug this workout time into your schedule. This will help you maintain a busy schedule. Don't do something you hate. Find an activity you love, whether it's running, doing power yoga, working out at the gym, or swimming, and stick to it.
Get out of the house as much as you can. You should avoid staying holed up at home as often as you can, even if you're going outside only to be by yourself. Instead of running on your treadmill, take a nice run in the sun. Instead of doing your homework or reading at home, go to a coffee shop so you feel less alone. Take anything that you can do at home to a sunny park, where you can be "alone" while being surrounded by people. Being in the sun and getting fresh air is guaranteed to make you feel more mentally strong. If you're talking on the phone with a friend, don't do it in a dark room. Instead, take your phone outside and go for a walk. You'll be getting sun and exercise while gabbing.
Take pleasure in your hobbies and interests. Don't let your break-up keep you from doing the things you love. Just because you're sad about the end of your relationship doesn't mean you should cease all activity that gave you pleasure and made your life meaningful. If you loved your Tuesday night Zumba class, don't skip it. If you loved watercolor painting on Sundays, then keep up your habit. If you stop doing the things you love, you'll only feel more upset. You may think that it's too hard, or even impossible, to continue to do the things that used to make you happy. Just fake it until you make it -- you'll see that you'll get pleasure out of those favorite activities again. If you don't do the things you love, you'll forget who you are. Remind yourself that you were a whole person before you met your ex-boyfriend, and now it's time to pick up the pieces and become whole again.
Avoid drinking too much. Though you can grab a glass of wine with your girlfriends or go to a friend's birthday party to let loose, this is not the time to drink heavily. If you drink alcohol, you'll be much more likely to get very emotional upset, cry, and ruin your night -- and the night of anyone around you. Though this may seem harsh, you should avoid drinking too much until you feel stable enough to be able to drink without a problem. Many people turn to alcohol during hard situations, but this rarely helps anyone cope. If you're used to drink a lot with your friends, find new sober-friendly activities that you and your friends can do together.
Find Peace on Your Own
Enjoy your alone time. Before you can truly move on from your ex-boyfriend, you need to be able to enjoy your own company again. Though keeping a busy schedule and hanging out with your family and girlfriends will make you feel better, you should also be comfortable enough with the situation, and yourself, to be able to be content with spending a night in with a good book or a movie. Set some goals that you want to reach on your own. Maybe you want to train for a half marathon, finish an epically-long novel, or teach yourself French. Coming up with challenging activities and reaching your goals will build your confidence and will make you look forward to spending some time by yourself. Write in a journal. This will help you reflect on everything that happened and to chart your progress each day. Meditate. This is a wonderful activity that you can do on your own which will not only help you relax, but it will also make you feel more centered and in control of your own body. Meditation is not a group activity.
Find a new passion. Along with continuing to do all of the things you loved and making time to check in with yourself, you can also look out for any completely new activity that can make your life more meaningful and open up new ways of thinking for you. Check out photography, poetry, playwriting, or any other solo-activity you've always wanted to try but were too afraid to do. Talk to your close friends or family members who have a deep passion. Maybe they can help you find a new activity that will make your life more meaningful. I've found someone loyal and more respectful than my ex. "My ex-boyfriend broke up with me a year ago. He told his friends and they told me when I got to school. I was completely hurt and started harming myself. Later, I found out that he had been cheating on me. I decided to reinvent myself and find new hobbies that didn't have to do with him. I found someone a year after this breakup and he is so loyal and much different than my ex. We have been dating for eight months and I am so much happier." - Kira C. I am special no matter what he says. "This site really helped me to move on. My ex made me feel insecure about myself and my body, I had to realize I'm special no matter what he says. I haven't looked back since." - Corinne L. It’s okay to cry. "I try to stay strong, but I've realized that it's okay to cry and let go of the anger I have towards my ex. I don't blame myself, but I have so much anger because of him and I want to know what are ways to get rid of that anger and feel more content." - Angeles M. We want to hear from you! Advice from our readers makes our articles better. If you have a story you’d like to share, tell us here.
Enjoy being single. Though you may think it's impossible to enjoy being single when all you can do is think about your ex-boyfriend, you should enjoy this time to be carefree and to have some fun without overthinking every little thing you do or say. Have fun dressing up and going dancing with your girlfriends, flirting with some guys, or just doing the things your ex never wanted to do, like going biking or reading in a coffee shop. Take some tips from your single girlfriends. They'll know how to live it up. Have fun dressing up when you go out. You don't have to obsess over your appearance -- just wear something new and funky that you never would have worn for your ex-boyfriend.
Don't date again until you're ready. The biggest mistake you can make when you're trying to get over your ex is to immediately try to date the first guy you see. You may think that being with a new random guy will help you take your mind off your pain, but it'll actually make you feel worse, because you'll constantly be comparing the new guy to your ex and will be thinking about all the ways that he doesn't measure up. Not only will you be making your healing process harder, but you may end up inadvertently hurting a new guy who really likes you. You'll know when you're ready to date when you meet a new guy and feel exciting to talk to him and get to know him -- without thinking about your ex-boyfriend.
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