Look for open-minded groups that meet in your area.
Search online for organized groups if you want an understanding crowd. Due to the fact that non-monogamous relationships are often unfairly judged, there is possibly a vibrant poly or open-minded subculture where you live. Poke around on social media, message boards (like FetLife), or go out to some alt-lifestyle bars and just meet people. These clubs and groups may need to vet you first, but this is a strong (and generally safer) option! This is probably the best way to go if you’re going to be actively involved in the relationship, since these meetups are in-person and the only people attending will be open minded. This can make the vetting process a lot easier. Meetup, the social organizing website, might have poly hangouts or dating events where you live. If you live in a big city, there may even be groups on social media dedicated to this. Believe it or not, swinger clubs do exist. This can be a great option if you’re both exploring together and you (and your wife) are comfortable with you having a girlfriend/boyfriend of your own.
Try dating apps for more casual encounters.
If she’s looking for a laid-back thing, this is a good way to go. Sites like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge are full of potential partners who may not be looking to get married—which is great, since that’s off the table to begin with! A lot of guys will also have no qualms with hooking up with a married woman so long as your wife is upfront about it in her profile. This is also a very good option if your wife is explicitly interested in getting physically intimate with someone, since a lot of guys hop on sites like Tinder just to find casual sex (which is totally okay). This is also a valid option if your wife is primarily interested in just chatting with a certain gender. A lot of people carry on long text-based convos with folks they meet online. Ashley Madison—a “dating” site designed for married people looking to cheat in a non-ethical way—may come to mind here. Unfortunately, it’s a bit of a problematic site. Many people aren’t being honest with their partners on that site, and they’ve had security issues in the past so it may not be anonymous.
Join an online relationship site for a consistent partner.
For a deeper connection, skip the hookup tech and sign up for a more serious site. Websites like OKCupid, Zoosk, and Feeld tend to attract a crowd interested in a genuine connection. If your wife is looking for a long-term boyfriend, this is probably the best way to go since the people who join these sites are normally looking for committed partners. OKCupid actually has a variety of filters you can use to modify your results. Many of these filters are designed explicitly for folks in polyamorous or open relationships. Feeld is probably a better option if sexual compatibility, kinks, or unique desires are important. It’s also designed primarily for couples and folks looking for threesomes, which is good if you want to be actively involved.
Let her find the right fit on her own.
If she knows what she wants, she may not need your help. If you’re adopting a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation here, you may not need to help at all. It’s okay to put the ball in her court if she’s confident and knows what she’s doing. She can go to bars, clubs, or dating events without you and keep her business separate from yours. As long as you trust her to be safe and make wise decisions, there’s nothing wrong with doing it this way. This might be the best way to go if you’re doing this because she really wants to explore outside of your relationship and you don’t.
Make it extremely clear that your wife is married.
Regardless of how you go about this, be upfront with your situation. Consent works both ways. The same way you two have to come to an agreement about this as a couple, the hypothetical boyfriend has to consent to dating a married woman. Some men won’t be interested in this, so whether you choose to set up an online profile, do this in person, or some other way, do not try to hide the fact that she’s married. If you’re starting online, mention something like, “I am married to a wonderful husband, but we have an open relationship,” or something along those lines. You might consider including other key info as well. Info like, “You must be comfortable meeting my husband if we date,” or, “Only interested in pansexual, bisexual, or queer partners,” should be mentioned upfront. If she’s going to meet guys in-person, encourage her to tell potential partners as early as is reasonably possible. It might be strange for her to tell a potential guy “I’m married” within the first five minutes, but it should probably come up before the first date.
Discuss your motivations as a couple first.
Sit down and discuss why you’re finding your wife a boyfriend. Even if you’re already on board with the premise, it’s important for the two of you to be on the same page. Knowing what you and your wife are looking to get out of a new boyfriend will also make it easier to choose what kind of boyfriend you want (and how to find him). It could be you’re both polyamoryous, which means both of you are comfortable engaging in a relationship(s) with more than one partner as a couple. Maybe you’re exploring an open relationship, where the two of you have separate relationships outside of your marriage, without the other spouse’s involvement. You might be exploring a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation to try and fulfill your wife’s needs for something you can’t or don’t want to give her (i.e. emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, or both). It might be that you’re interested in reinvigorating your relationship by swinging or exploring a kink. If you and your wife are not comfortable agreeing to this, do not proceed. It can be very difficult to get over the consequences here if both of you are not 100% on board.
Set some rules and guidelines together.
Establish what this is going to look like for both of you. If your wife gets a boyfriend, what is your relationship going to look like? Can your wife talk to you about her intimate experiences with her boyfriend? Do you have to be involved—either physically, emotionally, or just practically? The answers here are going to totally differ from couple to couple, but come to an understanding here. Each of you should know what you can and cannot do. The level of communication is extremely important. If you don’t want to know, your wife must agree to make a serious effort to not expose you to anything harmful. If you’re going to be open about this, the lines of communication are essential. The two of you must agree to check-in, discuss, and care for another by being open. Some couples set “veto” power for the other spouse (meaning you, here). With a veto rule, you have the ability to tell your wife “I am not comfortable with that” and they must accept that. Is anything off the table? Can your wife bring her boyfriend into your home when you’re there? What about if you’re not there? Are there agreed-upon curfews for safety reasons? Work all of this out ahead of time and together.
Check in periodically and review how things are going.
Unless you don’t want to know, the two of you should discuss this regularly. Keep a pulse on your relationship by touching base every now and then on how your wife’s relationships are going. Are things developing with the boyfriend? Is she comfortable? Is this improving or harming your relationship? Maintaining open lines of communication creates an environment where the two of you can continue to grow and care for one another, while ensuring your wife is happy and safe. If you’re dating outside of the marriage, you should be doing this as well!
Meet the boyfriend when/if you’re comfortable.
When you do this depends entirely on how involved you are. If your wife is dating a guy for 6-12 months, she may want you to meet him so that the two of you can become friends and she can spend time with the two of you. Alternatively, you may just want to put a face to the name. Whenever it feels appropriate to you, schedule a casual lunch or introduction for the three of you to meet. It’s also totally okay to not want to meet the boyfriend. There’s nothing wrong with that. If you’re seeking out a potential poly partner for the two of you, it’s best for you to meet guys at the same time as your wife, just so everyone is on the same page.
Take care of yourself.
A lot of people run into obstacles with non-monogamous relationships. It’s natural for even the most open-minded of people to occasionally develop jealous feelings. You may get frustrated, confused, or angry. Make sure that you’re hanging out with friends, pursuing hobbies, exercising, and getting enough sleep. If you need emotional support, quality time, or physical intimacy with your wife, talk to her about it. If your wife is spending all of her time with her boyfriend, tell her you miss her and ask her to spend more time with you. The fact that she has a boyfriend should not trump your marriage.
Get marriage counseling if things take a sour turn.
It’s important to take a step back and admit it if this isn’t working. This is especially key if you’re exploring an open relationship in order to try and spice up your marriage, or save it. If this is causing more problems than it’s solving, consider getting some professional help. You can absolutely fix things here if non-monogamy turns out to not be the right thing for you, but it does often require therapy. We absolutely are not judging, and there is nothing wrong with ethical non-monogamy, but it’s important to acknowledge that non-monogamous relationships can get messy. If things start going off the rails, do not ignore it or pretend it isn’t happening. Get help!
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