How to Cope With a Difficult Eighteen‐Year‐Old Daughter

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posted on 19 years ago — updated on 1 second ago

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Your children can be hard to understand at times, but they need to be reassured that you love them. By talking to them, they will start to open up a little more, especially if they know that they will not be judged and that they have an open-minded environment in which to express their feelings.

As you interact with your daughter, let her see that you are a mature adult, capable of being sensitive to a charged atmosphere without becoming thrown off by charged individuals. She may or may not be able to acknowledge why, but she will respect you for it and learn from you while you develop strategies to cope with her.

Steps

Talk to your daughter. If you don't ask her why she's upset or angry, then she will pull away a little bit more. If she is not willing to talk about it, wisely put your concern aside for the moment and ask open-ended questions about her day, her goals, her interests or friends. Ask interesting questions. Queries such as: "How did your day go?" may just be answered with a 'good.' If she begins to trust you, you may be able to share about yourself. Be sensitive to how much she is willing to hear and talk about at each interaction.

Ask your daughter if there is anything she wants to talk about. Reassure her by telling her you love her, and you'll always be there. Let her know that you want what's best for her, but she needs to open up and tell you how she is feeling, so you can talk to her about it.

Ask her advice. Talk to her about things that you are experiencing, and genuinely ask her perspective on the situation. Ask how you could do things differently, even if you think you know the answer. It will demonstrate that you value her opinion.

Think about what being 18 is like for her. She is old enough to get married, old enough to leave school, get a job, join the army, be a mother, etc. Typically 18-year-olds have a lot of new stress--not only with school, but also considering a career, and glimpsing into the future ahead. She may be just trying to sort out her life, and finding out who she is. The way she is acting could simply be her way of coping with all these issues of life.

Find an activity you can do together where she won't feel judged (look through wikiHow!). This also lets her know you care. Do an activity (or two) a couple times a week, if possible.

Check on her or mildly interact with her every day, but also a few times throughout the day or whenever you are both home. (Calling her to see how she is doing counts, too). Regularity is important. Check on her just to see how she is doing. Don't be thrown off by a temper. But don't pry until she has grown to trust you. If you have time, gently ask open ended questions. Have faith in her and her future.