How to Cope when Your Parents and In‐Laws Do Not Get Along

Setting Boundaries for Behavior

Consider past resentments. When attempting to set boundaries for conduct, try to consider everyone's feelings regarding the situation. Past resentments or pain often create conflict within a family unit, so think about any underlying reasons your in-laws and parents may not get along. If your in-laws and parents dislike each other in the present, there is probably something that happened in the past to create the tension. Try to think of what past interactions or moments may have caused the rift. For example, maybe something happened at the wedding. If one set of parents made a bad impression on the other, this initial meeting may still be causing problems. Try to keep this in the back of your mind when you go in to set boundaries. Understand your parents and in-laws may both still harbor specific wounds and anger due to a failed first meeting. However, it is important to keep in mind that disagreements between families are not always the result of past resentments. These disagreements may stem from basic cultural differences. When you suspect that a disagreement has occurred as a result of cultural differences, you might take it as an opportunity to educate your family members in both sides. Do this early and often, and make sure that your spouse is on the same page as you.

Look for a solution, or leave it alone. While you cannot force people to make up, you can think of potential solutions after considering everyone's point of view. You can try to smooth over differences, but you can also try to set clear boundaries for interaction to minimize conflict. However, keep in mind that there will not be a solution for every situation. If things don’t seem to be working out, then it is also okay to just leave the issue be and move on. Often, conflict is due to a lack of understanding. Maybe your in-laws and parents come from different backgrounds. For example, your in-laws come from a culture where hugging is the norm. Your parents come from a culture where personal space is a priority. If your parents did not, say, return a warm hug at the wedding, this may have led to bitter feelings. You can try explaining the differences to each set of parents. For example, "I know you think Laura's parents were being rude at the wedding, but their family was just never touchy the way we are. They aren't comfortable with hugging and I don't think they meant to offend you." Remember, you can't force anyone to let go of a resentment. In the event your parents and in-laws can't eye to eye, look for an alternative solution. For example, instead of focusing on getting them to make up, find ways to minimize interactions in the future.

Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. When the two of you are dealing with tricky family situations, it's important that you have the same expectations. Talk it over first before confronting your parents and in-laws about boundaries. Reach a mutual agreement about the kind of behavior you expect. For example, if you're setting boundaries for a holiday event, what do you both want and expect? Do you want your in-laws and parents to be civil for the event? Do you want one person's parents to apologize? Would you prefer to do strictly separate events? Have a clear game plan in mind and make sure you address any difficulties between you and your spouse in regards to dealing with the situation. If your spouse has a different idea of how to cope, try to meet them halfway. For example, if your spouse would prefer separate events, and you want everyone to be civil for a group event, talk this over until you find a mutual solution.

Be direct. When dealing with in-laws especially, direct communication is key. You do not want to, say, ask your spouse to talk to his parents on your behalf. This could come off as passive aggressive. You also do not want to hint at the issue. Remember, you're setting firm boundaries and not merely making suggestions. Make this clear going into the situation. You should both talk to your in-laws and parents separately about the issue. Make sure to let them know what you want to discuss without any ambiguity. For example, say something like, "We want to talk to you about your issue with my parents and how we can all get along this Christmas."

Enforce boundaries as necessary. It's not your job to make people who do not get along make up. In fact, it may be stressful to attempt this. Instead, focus on setting clear boundaries that allow you and your spouse to minimize stress in your own lives. Figure out specific values and expectations and then communicate them directly. For example, you may not want either set of in-laws bad talking one another to other family members, especially not at events. Communicate these values to both set of in-laws directly. For example, "Mom, Dad, we know you have your issue's with Jack's parents, but we would appreciate it if you kept that yourselves. Please don't complain about them to my sister anymore, especially not when everyone is at an event together."

Coping at Family Events

Have a positive attitude. Going into a family event, try to approach things from a positive place. Even if there has been bad blood between your parents and in-laws in the past, going in anticipating the worst may set the stage for disaster. If you come in tense, that can rub off on others. Try to hope for the best before a big event. Think about your intention to be happy ahead of time and state it on no uncertain terms. For example, think to yourself, "I intend to enjoy this Christmas party, no matter what happens." This attitude can shine through, even during negative interactions. If your in-laws, say, make a negative comment on your parents, you'll be more likely to take it in stride if you've decided to be happy. This can prevent you from getting upset and accidentally escalating a situation.

Encourage everyone to set differences aside. Disagreements between parents and in-laws can disrupt holidays and other events. Before an event happens, give everyone a head's up that you would appreciate it if differences were set aside for the day. Discuss potentially difficult situations with both sets of parents ahead of time, letting everyone know you understand their feelings and frustrations. For example, "Mom, Dad, I know you think Jake's parents are stuck-up. We understand you get frustrated sometimes." From there, ask that they set aside this resentment, at least for the duration of an event. For example, "But this is our son's first birthday party, so we want everyone to get along. If you could just let go of that resentment for the party, we would appreciate that."

Create rituals to minimize conflict. If people tend to fight a lot at holidays, you may have to create new rituals to minimize squabbles. Oftentimes, if people only get together once or twice a year, old patterns of behavior and forgotten tensions resurface during that time. Try to figure out new rituals that can help minimize conflict and arguments. For example, you could keep everyone occupied with a task at a family event. If you're, say, playing board games the whole time, your in-laws and parents will have something to focus on other than one another. You can also consider rituals that help minimize interaction between your parents and in-laws. For example, if you have a very big family, have two tables for Thanksgiving dinner and your in-laws and parents sit at different tables.

Hold different family gatherings if they become too stressful. Another option is to divide your time with each group into two separate gatherings. You and your spouse can decide on specific days and time frames to celebrate with each set of parents separately. For example, you could have your in-laws over for dinner on Christmas Eve and then invite your parents to come over for dinner on Christmas Day.

Respect your own needs and limitations. It is not your job to make sure everyone gets along. Your parents and in-laws need to be willing to be mature and smooth over differences. If you're not making any progress, acknowledge feelings you're experiencing like sadness, tension, and frustration. It's okay to give yourself a break to vent. Express your feelings to others instead of bottling them up. For example, sneak away to sent a text to a friend ranting about the family fighting if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Managing Everyone's Emotions

Listen to everyone's perspective. You want everyone in the situation to feel heard. If your parents and in-laws are not getting along, allow everyone to express their sentiments on the situation. This way, neither set of parents will feel you're taking sides in the situation. Allow your in-laws and parents to express any frustrations they have. When they talk, genuinely listen to what they're saying. Try to put yourself into other people's shoes. Think about what unique experiences may drive someone's perception of the situation. Think about how you would feel if you were your parents or in-laws. Remember, you don't have to solve the problem. Oftentimes, merely being heard makes people feel vindicated. This may encourage your in-laws and parents to be civil in the future.

Create escape plans. Some tensions simply do not go away. At family events and holidays, have escape routes in place. That way, if anyone is feeling overwhelmed, they have the option of slipping away for a moment. This can keep emotions in check if conflicts do not have a clear resolution. For example, you can have a code word or phrase your parents agree to use if they need a break from your in-laws. If your parents say something like, "We're very tired," this means they need to exit the event early to prevent an argument.

Surround yourself with positive people. You should deal with your own emotions as well. After difficult interactions between your parent and in-laws, surround yourself with people the family that do get along. For example, if you and your siblings are all friendly with one another, spend some time with them after arguments between your parents and in-laws crop up.

Develop a sense of humor. Laughter can help you put a situation in perspective and stay positive. Try to laugh off negative interactions and make jokes with your spouse about the situation. Humor can help minimize stress during stressful confrontations and arguments.