General Guidelines for Moving on after a Breakup
Wait at least 3 months before you start dating again. There’s no specific formula for figuring out how long you should wait. However, most people need some time to bounce back after a breakup. Try to take at least a few months so that you can heal and move on from the end of your last relationship. If you’ve broken up after a long-term relationship, you may need more time. 6 months to 1 year is a good rule of thumb if your last relationship lasted a year or more. If you feel like you need even more time, that’s okay! Everyone is different, and there’s no need to rush into anything if you don’t feel ready.
Accept that you may need longer if your feelings for your ex are deep. Some breakups are more painful than others. If you and your ex had been drifting apart for a while, it might not take you that long to get over the breakup. On the other hand, if you’ve just had your heart broken by the love of your life, it makes sense that you’d need longer to mourn the loss. Before you jump into dating again, ask yourself how much the breakup is affecting you. Other factors can also play a role in how long it takes for you to bounce back. For instance, it might be easier to move on from a long-distance relationship than from a relationship where you and your partner lived together.
Give yourself space to grieve your last relationship. Getting into a new relationship too soon can ultimately make it harder to deal with the pain of your breakup. Everyone’s grieving process is different, but some good strategies for dealing with it include: Allowing yourself to feel upset about what happened. It’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions after a breakup, including sadness, anger, frustration, guilt, confusion, or numbness. These feelings may come and go for a long time. Practicing self-care. This includes things like spending time with friends and family, getting enough sleep, eating well, doing activities you enjoy, and taking care of your daily chores and responsibilities. Building a healthy new daily routine for yourself. Reaching out to your support network when you’re feeling down. If you don’t have friends and family to turn to, consider seeing a counselor or joining a breakup support group.
Reflect on why your last relationship didn’t work out. Learning from your experience can make your next relationship stronger. Before you jump into dating again, take time to think about what happened leading up to your breakup. Ask yourself things like, “What can I learn from what happened?” and, “How can I use that knowledge to build a stronger foundation for my next relationship?” Think about what part you might have played in what went wrong, and what you might do differently next time. For example, could you communicate better, or be more considerate of your next partner’s feelings? Also consider your ex’s role in what happened. Are there any red flags you might have missed, like patterns of dishonesty or manipulative behavior? If so, keep them in mind so you’ll know what to look out for in your next relationship. You might need some time before you’re ready to look at your relationship in a calm and analytical way. Once you’re able to be objective about your last relationship, you’ll be in a much better position to start dating again.
Focus on doing things that you enjoy on your own. You may need time to rediscover yourself after a breakup. This is especially true if you’re moving on after a long-term relationship. Take time to do things that you find meaningful and enjoyable—without worrying about what anyone else might think. This will help you build confidence and learn to understand and appreciate yourself more, which will set you up for more success in future relationships. For example, focus on things like: Cooking meals that you like, without worrying about someone else’s preferences. Watching TV shows you enjoy instead of sticking to ones that you and your ex watched together. Working on hobbies you didn’t have time for during your relationship. Doing activities you like that your partner wasn’t necessarily interested in, such as hiking, playing video games, window shopping, or visiting museums.
Set clear expectations for new relationships. If you have a clear idea of what you want from future partners, you’ll have an easier time building healthy, fulfilling relationships. Before you climb back into the dating pool, ask yourself what you’re looking for and where your boundaries are. Don’t be afraid to talk about your needs, wants, and goals with new potential partners as you’re getting to know them. For instance, you might set a goal to spend a certain amount of time together one-on-one each week, or to work together on specific areas where your relationship needs improvement (like communication or physical intimacy). Think about setting limits and boundaries, too. For instance, you might let your new partner know that you expect your relationship to be exclusive, or that you need a certain amount of alone time every day.
Give your kids time to grieve your breakup if you have any. Having children from your last relationship can complicate things. However, it’s very important to take their feelings into account. Child development experts recommend waiting at least 6 months after breaking up with your fellow parent before dating again. If you want to start dating sooner, that’s okay—but consider waiting a while before you introduce any new partners to your kids. Your child may never be happy about you dating new people, and that’s okay. But it’s important for them to have realistic expectations about your relationship with their other parent. Try saying something like, “I know this is really hard for you, but it’s important for you to understand that your mom and I are divorced and we’re not going to get back together again. But even though I’m dating new people now, she’ll always be your mom.”
Signs You’re Ready to Date Again
Assess whether you feel excited about dating again. If you’re really into the idea, then you might be ready. Imagine going on a date with somebody new, and check in with your thoughts, emotions, and physical reactions. If you feel happy and excited, that’s a sign that you’re ready. On the other hand, if just the thought of getting back into the game stresses you out or makes you feel tense and anxious, then you may need more time. It’s totally okay if you’re not eager to start dating again right away—even if it’s been a long time since your breakup. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time to relax and enjoy being single!
Check in with how you feel about your ex. After a breakup, you’ll probably have a lot of lingering feelings about your ex for a while. If you still feel really sad, angry, or hurt whenever you think about them, you might need a little more time to process things. Once you can think about them more calmly and feel like you can completely accept what happened, that’s a sign that you’re truly ready to move on. When you think about potential new partners, pay attention to whether you find yourself comparing them to your ex. If you’re able to just focus on how you feel about the new person without bringing your ex into it, that’s a good sign that you’re ready to date again.
Examine your reasons for wanting to date again. Dating someone because you enjoy their company is a great reason. You might also be ready to start dating again if you’re excited about the idea of meeting and socializing with new people. On the other hand, you may need more time if your reasons for dating again are all focused on your feelings about your last relationship or your breakup. For example, ask yourself things like: “Am I just trying to make my ex jealous right now?” “Do I want to date this person because I like them, or do I just want someone else to make me feel attractive and desirable again?” “Am I really into the idea of dating them, or am I going out with them because I’m lonely and trying to fill the void my ex left behind?”
Ask yourself if you feel self-confident. Feeling good about yourself is a sign you’re ready to date again. It’s easy to feel down about yourself after a breakup—especially if you blame yourself for whatever went wrong. Before you dive back into the dating game, take time to assess your self-image. The more confident and self-assured you are, the easier it will be to build satisfying, healthy relationships moving forward. If you’re not feeling great about yourself right now, that’s okay. There are lots of things you can do to boost your confidence, such as: Practicing daily self-kindness meditation. Making a list of things you’ve accomplished or things you like about yourself. Setting realistic, achievable goals for yourself and working towards them. Trying a new hobby or learning a new skill. Doing things that feel meaningful and fulfilling to you, such as volunteering to help people in need in your community.
Look at whether you have a strong support network. A breakup can feel very isolating, especially if you didn’t have much of a support system outside of your relationship. If you already have friends and family to turn to, you’ll be in a better place to move on. If you don’t have other people in your life who you can trust and rely on, spend some time building those relationships before you try to find a new romantic partner. A support group for people struggling with breakups or relationship issues can be a great place to meet new people who understand what you’re going through. Taking up a new social hobby is another good way to build new friendships. Look for clubs, groups, or classes in your area that focus on activities you enjoy. Not only will having a few good friends improve your self-confidence, but you’ll also have people to turn to if you ever have to go through another breakup.
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