120+ Sick Old-Timey Burns from the Medieval Period & Beyond
120+ Sick Old-Timey Burns from the Medieval Period & Beyond
Tired of referring to everyone as a "dumb*ss"? Sounds like you could use some new insults—and by new, we mean old, very very old. Like, Victorian-old. Like, 1700s-old. Like, Shakespeare-old. Keep scrolling for the ultimate guide to charming (and sick) old-timey insults, from Medieval England to the Victorian Era. Your friends and enemies will be blown away when you refer to them as "noodle heads" and "unlicked cubs"!
Sickest Old-Timey Burns

Middle English Insults

These insults are centuries old—but that doesn't make them sting any less. It's easy to shrug off an everyday insult like "dum*ss," but can you imagine how stunned your enemies would be to be called something like "saddle goose" or "mooncalf"? Check out these other innovative burns from the Medieval period (500–1470). Churl (n.) – a coarse and shabby person Coxcomb (n.) – a narcissistic and vain person Cumberworld – (n.) a useless person Dalcop – (n.) a really stupid person Levereter – (n.) a corrupt person (a "liver-eater") Mandrake mymmerkin – (n.) a puppet, or a tiny person Moon calf – (n.) a naive, stupid person Rakefire – (n.) a guest who has overstayed their welcome Saddle goose – (n.) a fool Yaldson – (n.) the son of a prostitute

Early Modern English Insults

Try these insults from Shakespeare's day. Let's get something clear: Shakespearean English is not "Old English." It's Early Modern—specifically, Elizabethan English (that is, the English that was spoken during the reign of Elizabeth I). Early Modern English refers to the English language that came after Middle English. It lasted from roughly the end of the 1400s to the mid-late 1600s. The more you know! ???? Bespawler – (n.) a person who spits when they speak Bobolyne – (n.) a fool Fopdoodle – (n.) a stupid person Fustilugs – (n.) a big, clumsy, slobby person Hedge-born – (adj.) used to describe someone of low birth or who is a bastard Mumblecrust – (n.) a toothless beggar Trencherman – (n.) a gluttonous person who attends social events just for the food Whiffle-whaffle – (n.) an indecisive person who just wastes everyone's time

1700s Insults

These 18th-century burns will have your pals wondering if you're secretly Jonathan Swift. Whip out a "stupe," a "hellion," or a "muddle-headed codger," and you'll convince your friends you're a time traveler from Georgian England. (But some of these words you'll probably recognize—they're still in use all these years later!) Addle pate – (n.) a fool Back biter – (n.) someone who gossips about someone else Blowse or blowsabella – (n.) a disheveled woman Blunderbuss – (n.) a stupid person Bob tail – (n.) a lewd woman; an impotent man Bull calf – (n.) a clumsy person Codger – (n.) an old person, especially an eccentric one Coot – (n.) an eccentric old person (similar to codger) Corny-faced – (adj.) used to describe someone with a heavily pimpled face Cuss – (n.) a stubborn or annoying animal or person Deadbeat – (n.) a lazy person Death's head upon a mop-stick – (n.) a sickly, emaciated person Duke of limbs – (n.) a tall, gangly person Fogey – (n.) a fussy, conservative old person Fussock – (n.) a lazy, dumpy woman Gauche – (adj.) awkward, unsophisticated, graceless Gollumpus – (n.) a big, clumsy oaf Goodie two-shoes – (n.) an annoyingly well-behaved person Gundiguts – (n.) a very overweight person Hang in chains – (n.) a vile person Hell born babe – (n.) a lewd and mischievous youth (OK, this one actually kind of rocks) Hellion – (n.) a mischievous troublemaker, especially a child Jolterhead – (n.) a stupid person Just-ass – (n.) a punny insult for a justice (a play on "justice") Killjoy – (n.) someone who ruins a good time with overly serious behavior Lobcock – (n.) a large, flaccid penis, or a dull, boring person Lowlife – (adj. since 1795; n. since 1915) a disreputable or criminal person Muddle-headed – (adj.) confused Noodle head – (n.) an idiot Puff guts – (n.) a fat guy Rip – (n.) a useless person or horse Scrub – (n.) a low person who does dirty work Shabbaroon – (n.) a poorly-dressed, shabby person; also a mean-spirited person Stupe – (n.) an idiot Tabby – (n.) an old maid Tatterdemallion – (n.) a ragged, poorly-looking person in tattered clothing Thingumbob – (n.) anyone whose name you don't know ("thingumbobs" was also slang for "testicles") Tufthunter – (n.) a gold-digger Unlicked cub – (n.) an uncouth, ill-mannered young person

1800s Insults

These insults from the 1800s carry an air of sophistication. Sound just like a Charles Dickens character when you insult people using Victorian lingo: Backhanded – (adj.) insincere; indirect (as in a backhanded compliment) Blighter – (n.) someone who is pitiable or contemptible Cad – (n.) a man who behaves dishonorably, particularly toward a woman Chowderhead – (n.) a stupid person Do-nothing – (adj.) unambitious, lazy Fatheaded – (adj.) stupid Featherhead – (n.) a silly or absentminded person (also featherbrain) Flapdoodle – (n.) a foolish person Fly-by-night – (adj.) untrustworthy or flaky, especially when it comes to business or finances Foozler – (n.) a clumsy person Gibface – (n.) an ugly person Gump – (n.) a dim-witted person Hard-shell or hard-shelled – (adj.) inflexible Hornswaggler – (n.) a cheat Imbecile – (adj.) stupid; (n.) a stupid person Joskin – (n.) a bumpkin Know-nothing – (n.) an ignorant person Mama’s boy – (n.) a boy or man who is extremely attached to his mother and heavily influenced by her Muck-sprout – (n.) someone who talks too much and curses a lot Pigeon-livered – (adj.) cowardly Ragabrash – (n.) a messy or grubby person Saphead – (n.) a fool or rube Scalawag – (n.) a rascal Slowpoke – (n.) someone who acts or moves slowly Tenderfoot – (n.) a novice, especially someone unaccustomed to the difficulty of pioneer life Whooperup – (n.) a bad singer Windbag – (n.) someone who talks a lot, but says nothing meaningful Yokel – (n.) a country bumpkin

Shakespearean Insults

Truly sick burns from the Bard himself. We owe a lot of the words we use every day to Shakespeare, like "bedroom," "lonely," and "skim milk." But he also came up with a plethora of truly savage insults. Let's dive into some of the Bard's most famous and infamous burns—and trust us, he's got a lot of them! "Away, you three-inch fool!" –The Taming of the Shrew (Act 4, Scene 1) "Come, come, you froward and unable worms!" –The Taming of the Shrew (Act 5, Scene 2) "Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver’d boy." –Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 3) "I am pigeon-liver’d and lack gall." –Hamlet (Act 2, Scene 2) "If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them." –Hamlet (Act 3, Scene 1) "I am sick when I do look on thee." –A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Act 2, Scene 1) "I must tell you friendly in your ear, sell when you can, you are not for all markets." –As You Like It (Act 3, Scene 5) "I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands." –Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3) "Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!" –Henry IV Part I (Act 2, Scene 4) "His wit’s as thick as a Tewkesbury mustard." –Henry IV Part II (Act 2, Scene 4) "I scorn you, scurvy companion." –Henry IV Part II (Act 2, Scene 4) "Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee." –All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 2, Scene 3) "A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality." –All's Well That Ends Well (Act 3, Scene 6) "More of your conversation would infect my brain." –Coriolanus (Act 2, Scene 1) "My wife’s a hobby horse!" –The Winter’s Tale (Act 2, Scene 1) "Peace, ye fat guts!" –Henry IV Part I (Act 2, Scene 2) "Aroint thee: go away, rump-fed runion: slut." –Macbeth (Act 1, Scene 3) "The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended his nostril." –The Merry Wives of Windsor (Act 3, Scene 5) "The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes." –The Comedy of Errors (Act 5, Scene 4)

Historical & Literary Insults

Check out these burns from historical figures and writers of yore. From Oscar Wilde and to Teddy Roosevelt, these insults from notable figures are unmissable (and sure to make your enemies burst into tears): "I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll make an exception." –Groucho Marx "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." –Oscar Wilde "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." –Mae West "His head was an hourglass; it could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a time." –Mark Twain, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court "An amiable old fuzzy-wuzzy with sweetbread brains." –Teddy Roosevelt, referring to an anonymous Supreme Court Justice "A cold-blooded, narrow-minded, prejudiced, obstinate, timid old psalm-singing Indianapolis politician." –Teddy Roosevelt, again, this time about then-president Benjamin Harrison "[A] little emasculated mass of inanity." –Teddy again, this time about the novelist Henry James "A flubdub with a streak of the second-rate and the common in him." –Teddy Roosevelt about his successor, William Howard Taft "'The General doesn’t know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday." –Harry S. Truman on Dwight D. Eisenhower "Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time." –Lyndon B. Johnson on Gerald Ford "Edith looks like something that would eat her young." –Dorothy Parker on Dame Edith Evans "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think." –Dorothy Parker, when challenged to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence "Paul Newman has the attention span of a bolt of lightning." –Robert Redford "It’s like kissing Hitler." –Tony Curtis on kissing Marilyn Monroe (we're sorry but WHAT? There's no way) "“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." –William Faulkner on Ernest Hemingway "Americans will always try to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else." –Winston Churchill "If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off." –Kurt Vonnegut

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